My happenstance with a Postgraduate Autowala

In my home, I and my 10-year-old son needed to calm our nerves for the benefit of the entire family. Both of us were stressed and showing signs of anxiety and attention-seeking behaviour for various reasons though. He craved social interaction in the structured school environment that helped in channelising his high energy into constructive tasks as part of the school day. With online classes, the individual connection with the teacher was lost and hence his attention too (from both directions). 

I decided to bring in a few changes in lifestyle by going back to the roots – bringing yoga as our daily routine was something, I was willing to try for both of us. I was glad that my son gladly agreed as he wanted to eventually get to, doing a headstand.

It was a Sunday afternoon in the last week of March 2021, almost a year after the first lockdown was announced in India for tackling the spread of COVID 19 pandemic. I had booked my in-person appointment with my college junior, who was a KYM certified Yoga professional who is practicing for at least a decade now, explaining both our requirements. She wanted the first session to be in person where she could evaluate us to understand our body types before coming up with a yoga routine. I booked an OLA auto and was waiting for it to arrive. 

My phone rang. It was the OLA auto driver, Annamalai. I answered the call. He asked me, ‘Is the pickup location the right one?’ in grammatically perfect English. I almost started answering back in Tamil, but then held back the urge and responded in English, to the surprise of my husband. He then asked me where I was headed, and I gave him that location as well. In five minutes, he came to pick us up. 

As soon as we started moving, my curiosity overtook my usual silence during rides, and I started my conversation with him asking my first question! Of course, this conversation was in Tamil after asking him if he knew the language but let me elaborate in English to share the flow of the conversation for the benefit of those who do not speak the language.

‘Is this role as an OLA auto driver, part-time?’

‘Yes Ma’am. How did you guess right?’ he responded.

‘You do not usually find auto drivers who speak English with the perfect grammar of the language. So, I assumed you were one among the many who enjoyed being Ola drivers part-time maybe because they loved to drive. What is your primary profession?’

‘I am a driver for the DCP of Chennai Police. I started that job just when the pandemic started in India. I studied Microbiology. I was a research professional working on the COVID 19 virus analysis and discovery to hasten the process to tackle its spread.’

I was floored by this information bomb he dropped. I just wanted to confirm what I already knew. So, I asked him, ‘PG or UG in Microbiology?’ and I got PG as a response. He continued, ‘I resigned from my job because everyone at home was very tensed that I was working under high-risk conditions and were worried for my safety and life. I decided that my family’s peace was important and only if I am alive can I give that to them. That instantaneous shift was enough for me to take that call, but life had to go on, and being the sole breadwinner of the family, I had to bring money to run my household. I decided to do any job that I could and that is how I joined as the personal driver for DC of Police for weekdays. With his financial support and my own savings, I bought this auto for my weekend and weekday evening income that will supplement my income from the day job.’

I was could not stop myself asking such an enterprising person sporting a positive outlook, ‘Couldn’t you take up teaching profession in Microbiology itself in colleges or move into a schoolteacher role? With the school moving to the online model, there is a need for teachers who can work with ease in adopting technology in their teaching style and engage the students through the tech platform and still make the class interesting and interactive.’

Without skipping a beat, in a matter-of-fact manner, he answered, ‘Yes. That is the next plan once things settle down. Currently, with so much uncertainty, it is difficult to land such a job immediately. Also, schools and colleges are running short of funds due to the sudden closure and economic slump. When all this starts changing, I will surely go down that road. Till then, I need a source of income and I took up a job that I knew how to do. It isn’t right to keep waiting for the right opportunity and not do anything to support my family which also needs to be cared for. Being an OLA driver pays me well too to support as my main income. Once I find myself a job of my wish, I plan to give this auto to my friend who can continue to ride and pay me a commission for renting my auto. This will supplement my income as well in the long run.’

I ended the conversation with a request to take a picture of him when I got off at my drop point, for which he readily agreed. My son had started to doze off by then. My yoga instructor’s place was a 45-minute ride from my place. I could sense that there was a smile plastered on my face. I was in awe of his attitude and his simplistic approach to life. 

We reached just in time for my appointment. I took his picture as requested and agreed (during the ride) when I got off. The entire ride he wore his mask and did not remove it at all. I thanked him and we went our separate ways. My son asked me why I took his picture, and I was glad that he asked. I narrated the whole thing to him. I also highlighted the small gestures that he exhibited right from

• The first conversation over the call in English showed that he was open for a customer who was not a local and may not understand the local language.
• Strictly adhering to the COVID 19 protocols (including covering his nose and mouth for the entire ride) during the entire ride despite the scorching heat during the middle of the day.
• His change-embracing mindset during adversity, picking up a job that pays him on a regular basis, till he finds the ideal job for his qualifications or a job that his heart seeks out. 
• His far-thinking ability to plan for the distant future too without being clouded by the current challenges.
• Most important of all, finding dignity of labour in anything that he is doing as a profession, an abundance mindset, and extending an empathetic approach to anyone and everyone in his life.

That day, I learned my lesson of gratitude, thankful for such chance encounters that life gives me through everyday happenings, where I have ample opportunities to find role models in everyday people. I learn about the right mindset, practical applications of theories that I studied as part of my degree, and skilling courses, perspectives, and a positive attitude. All this eventually ends in healthy mental wellbeing as we have life lessons in the form of narratives and incidents stored for future references.

Do you have any such everyday inspiration story from your life? I would love to hear them, expand my perspectives, and hopefully enable others who read me to benefit from the varied stories that I can share!

This blog is part of the Blogchatter #CauseAChatter challenge under the #MentalHealthTalks section.

Saying Goodbye to 2019

As parents, there have been times when we the years just whizzed past so fast - some we recollect with fondness while some bring with it a heaviness in the heart. 2019 has been a year with both.

Refitment to Indian Way of Life: When we moved back to India in 2018, settling in a young family (2 children aged 12 & 8) to the Indian way of life without losing the learnings over the years that we picked up from our other travels abroad (UK and France) was a challenge looming in front of us. We have always been adaptive in that way, but the good thing is that as a family, we also retained all that we loved from every culture that we happened to experience during our travel and still retaining the "Indianess" in us. The initial 6 months were very difficult but as 2019 began, the family settled in with each of us finding our comfort zone with our extended families and new-found friends, and neighbours.

Getting Back to Professional World: After resigning from my Technical Writing career (13 yrs back), I managed to stay connected with writing through my blog, volunteering and freelancing projects, wherever we relocated! This move back to India gave me connections with Alumni and friends through whom I have been able to find a part-time position in a start-up and explore the avenues of branding myself as a Consultant Content Developer, Career Counselor & Trainer/Tutor. This is a personal achievement that I am very proud of. Our parenting has been instrumental in bringing forth the instant adaptiveness from my children to this change of mine, my spouse's unwavering confidence in me, and my mother's close presence are a few things I am grateful to have to my advantage!

Quality Time with Family: 2019 saw many from our extended family visiting us at our home. Children got to spend quality time with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The interactions that ensued - some were captured on a camera while some remain etched in our memories (a camera of its own kind). They also got to spend a few moments with their great grandmother before she went on her life's last journey.

Personal Fitness: Morning walks that started as an effort to control my obesity and a chance to have meaningful conversations with my spouse. Zumba came as an addition for better cardio training on the insistence of a friend, which surprisingly I have started enjoying. Weight training is a recent addition to muscle strength and toning. A hashtag that started as a fun conversation with my spouse has now become my mantra for fitness - #FitBy50.

Overall the year that went by had some great moments, some personal growth, some personal losses - a typical sine wave - with its crests and troughs. This year, I think, was a perfect example of what life is all about - yin-yang combination - the good in bad, and the bad in good going hand in hand - the transientness of happy and sad, success & failure, gain and loss - a content year in all. Guess I have finally grown up enough to understand this - of course reaching close to the milestone of 40 years of age I am sure, has nothing to do with it (wink).

Wishing you and your Family a Happy 2020. Keeping in mind the WhatsApp message that is making the rounds, do not forget to make it a habit to write the year as a four-digit representation instead of the usual 2 digits (I have been doing this for 2 decades now). 

Taking a Stab at Creating Short Stories & Snippets

My journey as a writer has evolved multifold and recently I have been brave enough to venture out as a contributor to other popular social platforms. The one I have had the most delightful experience is @ Momspresso. This platform enabled me to explore writing in my mother tongue (Tamil) despite the fact that I only learnt the basics of the written form of the language (the spoken and written form are very different). Having moved around to different schools during my schooling days (by virtue of my Dad's job as a banker) within India, I had to choose a language that would remain common in all the State and Central curriculum (so, Hindi was my second language in school).

I have picked a few of my100 Word Challenges that I enjoyed creating @ Momspresso, which were straight from my heart. I also won Weekly Prompt challenges, some of them conducted in association with popular publishing houses. Would love to hear from you, to see if they resonate with similar experiences you'd have seen in your life.
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On moving back to India, after a decade of living as an immigrant resident in foreign countries, the sight of minors on motorbikes troubled me a lot. This post was with respect to that:

I Hope it is not Arjun!

Vinay and Sharada together hurried to the nearest police station. At the entrance, they saw their favourite motorbike that Arjun, their 15 yr old son, had taken to run a few errands for them. It was damaged beyond repair. Expecting the worst, they went in to inquire about their missing son. The inspector said, "Your son is in critical condition. Go to the Govt. Hospital ICU". Sharada was breathless... Just then she heard a resounding Vrooom of a bike. Waking up from her nap, she rushed down to ensure it wasn't her son, Arjun, who was driving the bike.
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The hopeless romantic and optimist that I am, the normalcy of every marital relationship, after a few initial years of romance, prompted me to write on how even simple things can bring back the spark into the marital life however lengthy and monotonous it has been.

The Second Proposal

In a room full of family and friends celebrating their 25th anniversary, Riya was feeling lonely. She wished life had a rewind button to go back to the time when she felt alive, not just a role - mother, wife, daughter, in-law!

Suddenly the lights went out. Riya turned to go to her book room. The room echoed "I am because of you. Sorry I haven't been around a lot, lately."

'Will you be my w(l)ife?' projected on the wall. Lights came on. Rishab was kneeling before her. She hugged him and cried, "I love you!"
___________________________

The hopelessness of sexual abuse becoming a piece of everyday news initiated this rant:

Stuck in a Rut Even When the Obvious Stares in your Face!

Every alternate day at least, we read about it.
Every once in a while we talk about the hopelessness of the situation.
Every person takes to the street to protest such a heinous act of crime

This goes on for a few weeks, and sometimes months, and then the human memory happens. The incident, event, and the emotions that it invoked is forgotten and life goes back to its old self - new victims in the making, a more heinous sexual act in some part of the world ready to unfold and the whole nine yards repeats without a change.
___________________________

My eternal wish, of Empathy and Humanity driving actions of every individual, will automatically make mindfulness & equality as a way of life, brought these words to life.

Colours of Hope Disintegrate the Screen of Black Smoke

The rise of awareness, the increasing loudness of opinions and voices against the social issues, the double standards that is prevalent based on gender, gives hope that slowly and steadily the black curtain of smoke, that is covering the colours of true happiness of living a life driven by the rules of empathy and humanity, will eventually disintegrate and vanish. That would be the real burst of colours in all our lives.

A world where everyone is respected and lauded equally without the bias of any categories.

____________________________

My first attempt in தமிழ் for a blogging prompt விலைமதிப்பற்றது. I won this weekly prompt challenge and got featured... A thrilling and fulfilling experience for a first attempt. As a winning reward, I was called for a Facebook (FB) Live to read out my story and had a first FB live experience. 

பாலியல் சமத்துவத்தை நிறுவ பெண்களின் முக்கிய பங்கு

பெண் அமைதிகாப்பது இயலாமையில் அல்ல, புரிதலில். 

ஒரு குடும்பத்தின் ஆளுமைக்கான பெருமையை ஆணுக்கு கொடுக்கும் இந்த சமுதாயம் மறக்கும் விஷயம், அந்த குடும்பத்தை சீராக வழிநடத்தி செல்வது முற்றிலும் ஒரு பெண் என்பவளே! 

ஒரு ஆண் தன் உள்ளுரணர்வையும் இயலாமையையும் வெளிப்படுத்துவதை தூற்றும் இதே சமுதாயம் தான், மானத்தையும் மரியாதையையும் ஒரு பெண்ணின் ஆடையிலும் ஒழுக்கத்தை அவளின் பழக்க வழக்கங்களிலும் தேடுகிறது.

ஒரு தாய் (பெண்) நினைத்தால் தன் மகனையும் மகளையும் வேற்றுமையின்றி ஒரே நெறிகளை கற்றுக்கொடுத்து வளர்க்க முடியும். பெண்ணுக்கு எது தவறோ, அது ஆணுக்கும் தவறு. ஆணுக்கு எது சரியோ அது பெண்ணுக்கும் சரியே. 

சமையலறையும் வீட்டு வேலையும் பெண்ணின் சொத்து அல்ல. குடும்பத்தில் இருக்கும் அனைவருக்கும் அது பொதுவானவையே. இதை ஒரு பெண் மனதில் உறுதியாக கொண்டு வாழ்ந்தால், இந்த சமுதாயத்திற்கு மாறுவதை தவிர வேறு வழி இல்லாமல் போகும். இந்த பாலியல் சமத்துவம் விலைமதிப்பற்றது!

(Translation of the above post for the tag word - Precious

Title - Women's Role in bringing about Gender Equality

A woman's silence implies an understanding of the situation, not helplessness.

This society that places a man on a pedestal and gives him the power to dominate and lead the family, fails to realise that the actual leading and guiding is done by the female of the home. 

This society that ridicules a man who wears his heart and emotions on the sleeve for being too weak, claims that a woman's conduct and respect is defined by the attire she wears and her social habits and her friends' group.

A mother has the power in her parenting methods to ensure that her children grow up without gender bias. What is right for a boy/man is right for a girl/woman and what is wrong for a girl/woman is wrong for a boy/man.

Household chores and kitchen are not exclusive to a woman. Everyone in the family should share these chores. If a woman lives her life with these thoughts as her guiding force, then this world has no choice but to change. This gender equality is the most precious of all.)

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Again the same kind of news on children and women being victims of gender bias and sexual harassment and abuse news (more specifically, a child who was sexually abused and murdered near her home) initiated this rant in my mother tongue (Tamil), where such raw emotions are better expressed.

அ‌ரிது அ‌ரிது பெ‌ண்ணா‌‌ய் ‌பிற‌ப்பது அ‌ரிது

அ‌ரிது அ‌ரிது பெ‌ண்ணா‌‌ய் ‌பிற‌ப்பது அ‌ரிது என்று ஒ‌ளவையா‌ர் அன்று சொன்னார். 

இன்று, தினம் ஒரு செய்தி - பெண், பெண் பிள்ளை மட்டும் அல்ல, பெண் குழந்தையின் பாலியல் பலாத்காரம். ஒரு பெண்ணின் உடை ஆபாசத்தை தூண்டுகிறது என்ற அபத்தமான குற்றச்சாட்டு வலுவிழந்தது. 

ஒரு மூதாட்டியின் நடையிலும் உடையிலும் என்ன ஆபாசம்? 

ஒரு நடைபழகாத அல்லது பழகும் குழந்தையின் உடையில் கூட ஆபாசம் இருக்கிறதோ?

ஒருவேளை அவர்களின் பாவங்கள் காமத்தை தூண்டுகிறதோ?

காதலை மறுத்தாலும் ஏற்றாலும் அவளின் உயிரை மாய்த்து விடும் இந்த சமுதாயம். வேலைக்கு சென்றால் குற்றம், படித்துவிட்டு வீட்டில் இருந்தால் குற்றம், அரசியல் மற்றும் பொதுநலம் பேசினால் குற்றம், சுயநலமாய் இருந்தால் குற்றம், நடந்தால் குற்றம், நின்றால் குற்றம், சிரித்தால் குற்றம் ... ஒரு பெண் இன்று சுவாசிப்பதே குற்றமாக கருதும் நிலை மனதை பாரமாக்குகிறது.

இனிமேலாவது ஆண்களுக்கு, பெண்களை எப்படி மதிப்பது என்பதை கற்றுத்தருவோம்.

(Translation of the above post

Title: The rarest gift of time is to be born as a Woman (The title is a quote from a poem of Auvaiyaar)

Auvaiyaar said a long time ago "The rarest gift is to be born as a Woman".

Today, rape & abuse of not just women, but girl child as young as few months old, and women as old as 80 years, is everyday news. In this context, the argument that the seductive dress that a woman wears is what instigates such crimes loses its value.

What sensuality does one see in the wrinkled ageing lady almost nearing the last stages of her life or in a newborn just crawling or learning to walk child wearing a cute skirt/frock/shorts/baby nappy? Maybe their facial reactions and smiles might induce feelings of sensuality for the perverted mind!

A society that doesn't let a girl live her life irrespective of whether she accepts or rejects a proposal of love extended to her. She is judged irrespective of whether she chooses to stay-at-home or to be a working woman after completing her graduation, has a political opinion, is selfish, is selfless. Anything she chooses to do it is always her fault when something goes south and this situation pains me.

At least from now, let us teach a boy/man to treat a girl/woman right and to respect her as a human being.)

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Are you a "knee-jerk" parent?

Recently, had an interesting conversation with my first born (FB), who is in 6th grade.

It all started when I picked her up after school. All the children were running out of the school lobby, with bright smiling faces. My FB came out with a long face and said she had something she wanted to talk when we reached home. This statement had me worrying and I had to ask her, “Can you give me a gist of what it is about?”.

She drops a bombshell that she kind of has started hating specific subject class, as the teacher was being unfair. So I asked her, “What do you mean unfair?”

She starts her detailed explanation with the statement that the teacher says that “the boys in our class are better than the girls” and she never tells us what we need to do to improve our submitted work, so that next time we can do better. All she says is, “This isn’t up to the expectations and I can’t tell you what you need to do better”.

The feminist mother in me immediately reacts with, “What the hell? How can a teacher in a position of responsibility, make such a biased and unfair statement?”, but thankfully I was sane enough to keep my mouth shut and told my daughter that we would continue the discussion once we reach home.

We come home, I dispense my SAHM duties of giving my children their evening drink and snacks, catch up on my WhatsApp messages and then asked her, “So, now tell me what were you talking about in school about the class you did not like?”

So she starts off with her narrative again and this time with some additional information.

“Amma, we had a few group projects we had to do as part of our class work and the teacher put us in groups of 4 comprising of all girls or all boys group. Every time we finish our class work project, we are marked and today the teacher said that that in our class the boys seem to be more creative than the girls. She always gave them high marks and we got 4/10.”

I had to struggle to curtail my instantaneous reaction to want to cajole my child and say she was the best and find out the whole thing before I jumped to any conclusion. “Did you ask your teacher why you were marked so low and what could be done better for your work be termed better?”

“Yes. We did.”

“So what was her answer?”

“She said she couldn’t tell that but just that we had to improve on our creativity, presentation and catchiness”.

I was a bit annoyed that this would be the answer that a teacher would give a child studying in 6th grade. But then, my trust in the schooling system and the faith that the world around you is the best teacher and whatever happens, always happens for a reason, kicked in. So I proceeded to prod further.

“Okay… So are you allowed to check out each others’ work after it is marked?”

“Yes, Amma.”

“So did you check the work of the group that was given more marks than you?”

“Yes.”

“What did you think of their work? According to you, did you think that their work was worthy enough of getting more than you or was it like yours or bad?”

“It was better than ours.”

“Okay. Now I am confused. If it was better than yours, then why do you think that your teacher was unfair to mark them more than you.”

“If you put it like that…. But she told that the boys were way better than the girls. That was hurtful.”

Now, slowly the problem surfaces. So I ask, “Okay I agree that such a blanket statement could have been avoided, but the world is unfair in making such stereotypical judgemental statements. So we do not have a choice but to deal with it. And in this case, it was a factual statement, though a bit harshly put. Is that the only reason you are hurt or is there more to it? Did someone tell you that your teacher was being unfair?”

“Yes, my friends said that this teacher is always partial with the boys and that in all the classes she goes, she says these kinds of statements.”

“Let us now stop with this thought process and focus on facts. Do you feel or have your experienced first hand that this teacher acts partially in her approach or do you think she was just making a factual observation as far as your class is concerned?”

After a couple seconds of thought, she answers, “She was making a factual observation.”

“Does she always make such stereotypical remarks in the last few months you have been attending her class, or was it just the first time she made this statement and that too after the work was evaluated and the statement was justified by the work displayed?”

“This is the first time…” Her face breaks out in a smile and all her frustration, disappointment and hurt vanishes. “Thank you for helping me see clearly. Next time I will try harder.”

“If you still think the teacher was wrong and unfair, I can come and talk to her about it.”

“No Amma, I was wrong. I started thinking she was unfair because all my friends were saying so and I believed that and became kind of biased. I couldn’t see it as clearly as this. How do you do it Amma?”

“Very simple. Next time before you get angry or frustrated about something or someone, evaluate the entire situation with just the facts, rather than the opinions of others. What I did now was only help you see through the facts and filter out the opinions. Once you have done this, and you still think that the anger or frustration is justified, then work towards finding the way to remove that anger/frustration and fix it once and for all. Sometimes it might not be that simple and you might just have to let it go with no fix… In such cases, take your time to vent out the frustration in a constructive way and then move on.”

“Love you Amma. Now I can go and do my homework peacefully.”

I smiled and thanked my mother to have given me this kind of practical thinking and a sense of “detached attachment” to be able to see the big picture before I jump to conclusions. So my question to all you parents are, do you instantly jump to comfort your child when they are frustrated or complaining OR do you help your child analyse the situation, and arrive at a practical conclusion to help them out of their frustrated mood?

Note: Originally published by me and featured in Momspresso (Showcased as "Article of the Month" for October 2018) as Are You Actually A Knee-Jerk Parent? .

Breaking Stereotypes - Dance+ Season 4

A big bow down to Dance+ season 4... There are lots of reasons for thanking Dance+ 4 from the bottom of my heart. First and foremost reason being:

Celebrating the people behind the talent also, while celebrating talent itself

Every week there is a celebrity guest called to join the judges. The premier show had the people who were the reason behind the selected 12 talents as the chief guests e.g. Parents, Siblings.. , for evaluating the performance, which is a brilliant concept.

When such widely watched shows take up such concepts of bringing the values of life - of being thankful to those who support us in our path to success/fame - then it creates a big impact. When we use the big/small screen (movies and daily serials) for the corruption of the mind of the individuals in the family, then by that logic, the current serials (at least some of them), advertisements, and such reality TV that promote positive thoughts and values should be able to create a positive change. 

My heartfelt thanks to the person/people behind the conceptualisation of this idea as a theme for the Dance+ 4 reality show @_danceplus4

The dedication and love towards the art form of Dance

Be it the judges, contestants or the celebrity guest who come, their dedication and love for the art form of dance is very evident. The praises and the manner in which the comments are given or the criticism is rendered is so filled with genuine concern for the contestant to do better and the love and respect towards the effort that goes into the performance and pure love to be able to make a positive difference in every person's life that they touch!

Overflows with Love and Humanity

The entire program overflows with the pureness of love, affection, simplicity (sans the stardom) and respect for each other that it makes you want to keep watching it always. Makes you believe that there is a fair playing ground if you really have it in you. Also, the judges (#punitjpathak, #shaktimohan, #dharmeshbhai, #RemoDsouzasir) and the contestants alike place humanity above everything else. They realise and show that small things make a huge difference and ensure that, in their individual ways, make small gestures that makes a huge impact in each other's life and through watching this program, in our lives as well, by filling it with hope, love and happiness (at least for that 1.5 hours of the program).

Breaking Stereotypes

In their small way, after 3 seasons, in this season, they seem to have a lot of "firsts":

• The Goggle crew - a Belly dancing all boys group - a fluid dance form beautifully executed.
• Vartika Jha - A female dancer performing hip-hop and popping - dance forms that are considered very rigid and tough.
• Feel Crew - a group that dances on dialogues - the first audition dance on a message on female rapes and a simple solution to fix this problem (educate the boys to behave), and the second audition dance on the famous Deewar movie temple dialogue "मेरी माँ वापस लौटा दो।"
• Chennai traditional attire on National-level show - being a Chennaite, it feels great to see this on national television (I know they had a Bharathanaatiyam group in the previous season).

Quality of Performances 

True to the name of the program, this time the premier of the show itself has performances that are at the level of finale performances. Makes me wonder what the finale would be like. I pity Remo D'Souza , who is in the most difficult, judging position.

This is one program that I enjoy watching. This season is brimming with such positivism and talent that it makes me want to watch it regularly. 

"Elephant in the Room" - How can you help?

A High School auditorium filled with teenagers. Everyone’s face is tense and displays a sense of anxiety as to why they have been asked to assemble, especially when the most unpopular child (not because she is a bully but because she was a survivor of abuse/bullying) is on stage with a Law Enforcement Officer. She starts talking...

“I am a survivor of sexual assault. I felt broken. I was sad, angry. But then what came after - the bullying - I felt like I was underwater, drowning. I want you to know, that what you do, what you say to each other, it hurts. It has consequences you know.” The Officer starts speaking “First of all, I would like to congratulate Mandy for her bravery and courage. We are not here to blame or point fingers. We are not here talk about what could have been. We are here to start a conversation. I would like to invite you all to participate in a simple exercise.” and she stands up. “If you could all just close your eyes and take a second to settle yourselves.” Everyone looks to their neighbours confused and even more scared. The survivor says, “Come on, if I can do it…” and closes her eyes. The rest of them follow the action.

The Officer then goes on to say, “Keeping your eyes closed, I am going to ask you to stand up if you have been hurt by bullying”. A small group of children get up. She continues, “Keeping your eyes closed, stand up if you have been a victim of hazing. If you have ever been hurt by gossip.” Another few join those who are already standing and then she goes on to say, “Stand wp if you have ever been a victim of a sexual assault. Stand up if you have ever been a victim of violence. I would like you to open your eyes and take a look around.” The children are shocked to see that almost the entire auditorium is standing up. She continues to say, “Looking around we can all agree that we are in this together. You have the power to change this by being more accepting, more compassionate. You are not alone.”

Slowly, each child start talking about the incidents that affected them. Some accepted that their inaction to openly stand by those they were close with when they came to them for help was wrong. Some claimed that they were being bullish as they were under the impression that it was the norm and it was how they were funny and cool, but now they realise that they have wronged.

The above narration is from of a recent episode “No Good Reason” from “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”. This is a fictional series that has been telecast in the USA and is in its 19th season and started from the year 1999. The episodes are often "ripped from the headlines" or loosely based on real crimes that have received media attention.

Why did I narrate this scene? When I saw this scene, even though I knew it was only a work of fiction, it shook me to the core because it felt like true life incident. It is not uncommon these days to come across news articles on victims of bullying, sexual assault, violence (any kind), gossip/false news, where even loss of life as one of the many consequences. In the last couple of years, there have been numerous trending hashtags including #MeToo, #NotAllMen, #YesAllWomen and many more. None of these were restricted to a gender, group, ethnicity, state, or country. It was a worldwide phenomenon impacting each one of us in some way or the other. I fear for the kind of world that we will soon leave behind for our future generations:

• Self-Centric: glued to the gadgets to garner fame on social media, away from human interactions
• Lack of empathy to fellow human beings
• Lack of drive and the intelligence to filter unverified forwards/real news and judging on an impulse
• Lack of basic survival skills
• Inability to have meaningful conversations
• Developing extremely polarised views

How can you Help?

Whether you have been personally affected by any form of violence or abuse, each one of us are part of the problem. We directly or indirectly contribute to the issue by our indifference. I understand that it is difficult to personally interfere and stand up for the one being victimised every time you witness such incident, but there might be other ways by which you can at least be supportive.

• When the victim comes to you for help (in any form),
• Being there for the person by empathising with them
• Not being judgemental
• By providing a listening ear when they go through the healing process.
• Awareness about the local laws of the land and registering such misdeeds or mishaps
• Alert the Emergency services giving clear instructions to the location of the incident and/or approach the right authorities and appraise them appropriately.
• Connecting with our children, peers and elders who are in your social circle of influence about:
• The difference between a joke and a “rude” joke, at the cost of attacking someone’s self esteem or dignity.
• The importance of standing up for what is right
• To be socially aware and responsible for the consequences of our words and actions including, leaving behind responsible digital footprints (e.g. comments you make in social media)
• Having simple “home rules” to facilitate healthy conversations
• This can be a specific time of day say, Dinner, without gadgets where the whole family sits together and shares their views. This can help develop a healthy habit of being open to different viewpoints,  and reduces polarisation of thoughts and learn how to ‘agree to disagree’ politely.

Here are some interesting videos that addresses harassment and doing the right thing in small but impactful ways:

1. Harassment on local transport
2. Handling Sexual Harassment at Work
3. Domestic Abuse - Women Safety Begins at Home
4. Stop Bullying - Everyone Can Help
5. I'm Really Sorry - A movie on Bullying

I am sure if all of us work with all sincerity to acknowledge the problem and then think of more creative ways to overcome such issues, the “Elephant in the room” can be addressed.