Breaking Stereotypes As Parents - Gender Neutral Children

This is an event that happened a few years back when we were living outside India. Children were having their Spring break. My then 8 year old daughter and 4 yer old son, were busy with "pretend play" - their favourite filler game in those days.

This day the inspiration for their pretend play, were their parents (Mommy & Daddy) - us. Here is a snippet from that pretend play:

My daughter pretends to be her Daddy, puts on Daddy's coat, scarf, hat, and bag, ready to step out of the home for office. Seeing this my son wants to pretend play as well. Now that Daddy's role is taken, he decides to be Mommy. So he requests his sister to dress him up (which she dutifully does) with my coat, hat, and a grocery shopping bag.

A weekday conversation is enacted.

Daddy (my daughter): I am ready to leave for office. Bye. See you in the evening.

Mommy (my son): Take care and have a nice day.

Now for the weekend conversation that they are privy to at home.

Mommy (my son dressed up as his mom): I am leaving for shopping. Will be back soon.

A few seconds later, Mommy is back from shopping.

Mommy: Look, how many fruits I have bought! Daddy (My daughter dressed up as her father): Oh... Let me help you carry the heavy bags. (Hands a glass of water) Sit down and rest. I will handle the cooking and take of the kids.

I was grinning from ear to ear bursting with pride. If I need to still spell it out loud, here are the various stereotypes that we broke for them as parents:

• My children without batting an eyelid decided to enact the opposite gender's role in their pretend play. Okay, I can hear many of you say, this nothing great a girl always loves her father while the son's favourite is his mother.
• They enacted snippets where the traditional roles of shopping and cooking were interchangeably assumed by either of us. This breaks the idea that the kitchen is a woman's world while the cool outdoor shopping is a man's job (a stereotyped role that is still seen in some of the school and casual reading books for children).
• Serving water (drinks), hosting, and cooking is as much a man's job as it is a woman's.
• My daughter loves blue and my son loves purple. Black is a favourite for both of them. (might be a very simple thing but the point here is they do not go crazy about any colour being a boy or a girl colour. They understand that all colours can be for anyone and everyone!)

At an age when they can form deep connections to what they see around them, we managed to give them these lessons, which I am happy that we did.

My daughter is a middle schooler now while my son is in primary school. They do not conform to the traditional gender norms of the society. My son can equally enjoy Barbie and go crazy for the Avengers series, play Roblox and paint, sing and learn martial art, cry when upset and comfort when someone else is upset without having to so much as utter a word explaining why or how they are upset, be brave to stop his friends from doing things that don't feel right.

My daughter can gush over an anime teenage romance, get excited about How to train your Dragon Netflix Series, appreciate the confidence of Elsa, Anna & Merida, aspire to be like Mulan, and logically discuss about certain obvious loopholes in the screenplay of the movies that we watch as family including Harry Potter, Disney animation movies, Tamil movies starring Vijay, VJS, Rajini, Jothika, Nayanthara, Suriya & Karthi. She thinks Jothika is cool because of her recent movies like 36 Vayathinile, Jackpot, Raatchasi (her recent favourite - one that she watches almost every fortnight on Amazon Prime or is it Netflix - I forget) My son loves cooking and keeps asking to help when he can. Recently, I am almost always surprised by the level headed logical approach that my daughter takes to make decisions pertaining to her higher studies and extra-curricular activities. They are uncomfortable when they hear gender-specific statements (that are so normal in our society). Some examples of what kind of statements that make them uncomfortable are:

• Stitching is a girl activity. Fixing things are for boys. (My daughter says stitching is also a form of fixing, so shouldn't everyone learn it?)
• Cry like a girl - My son says that people cry when they are upset. Why only girls can cry and not boys. I also get hurt when my friends call me names and do not stop even after I tell them that it hurts.

I know they will grow up to be fine level headed adults who can impact this society positively by their way of life and the value systems they are now building for themselves!

I think it is time for gender-biased (specific) roles to be replaced by gender-neutral roles and policies everywhere. This will restore the respect each one deserves instead of the shame that seems to associated with certain natural behaviours, emotions and roles.

Would you agree with me or do you have a different take on this? Would love to hear your opinions on the blog or the existing gender bias or probable solutions to implement to achieve gender neutrality from home!

Republished from Momspresso, as they closed down in 2023. I wanted to ensure that the broken links opened to the right article.

The incident describe in the initial part of this article is from another post of mine here - Proud Mommy Moment

Breaking Stereotypes - Dance+ Season 4

A big bow down to Dance+ season 4... There are lots of reasons for thanking Dance+ 4 from the bottom of my heart. First and foremost reason being:

Celebrating the people behind the talent also, while celebrating talent itself

Every week there is a celebrity guest called to join the judges. The premier show had the people who were the reason behind the selected 12 talents as the chief guests e.g. Parents, Siblings.. , for evaluating the performance, which is a brilliant concept.

When such widely watched shows take up such concepts of bringing the values of life - of being thankful to those who support us in our path to success/fame - then it creates a big impact. When we use the big/small screen (movies and daily serials) for the corruption of the mind of the individuals in the family, then by that logic, the current serials (at least some of them), advertisements, and such reality TV that promote positive thoughts and values should be able to create a positive change. 

My heartfelt thanks to the person/people behind the conceptualisation of this idea as a theme for the Dance+ 4 reality show @_danceplus4

The dedication and love towards the art form of Dance

Be it the judges, contestants or the celebrity guest who come, their dedication and love for the art form of dance is very evident. The praises and the manner in which the comments are given or the criticism is rendered is so filled with genuine concern for the contestant to do better and the love and respect towards the effort that goes into the performance and pure love to be able to make a positive difference in every person's life that they touch!

Overflows with Love and Humanity

The entire program overflows with the pureness of love, affection, simplicity (sans the stardom) and respect for each other that it makes you want to keep watching it always. Makes you believe that there is a fair playing ground if you really have it in you. Also, the judges (#punitjpathak, #shaktimohan, #dharmeshbhai, #RemoDsouzasir) and the contestants alike place humanity above everything else. They realise and show that small things make a huge difference and ensure that, in their individual ways, make small gestures that makes a huge impact in each other's life and through watching this program, in our lives as well, by filling it with hope, love and happiness (at least for that 1.5 hours of the program).

Breaking Stereotypes

In their small way, after 3 seasons, in this season, they seem to have a lot of "firsts":

• The Goggle crew - a Belly dancing all boys group - a fluid dance form beautifully executed.
• Vartika Jha - A female dancer performing hip-hop and popping - dance forms that are considered very rigid and tough.
• Feel Crew - a group that dances on dialogues - the first audition dance on a message on female rapes and a simple solution to fix this problem (educate the boys to behave), and the second audition dance on the famous Deewar movie temple dialogue "मेरी माँ वापस लौटा दो।"
• Chennai traditional attire on National-level show - being a Chennaite, it feels great to see this on national television (I know they had a Bharathanaatiyam group in the previous season).

Quality of Performances 

True to the name of the program, this time the premier of the show itself has performances that are at the level of finale performances. Makes me wonder what the finale would be like. I pity Remo D'Souza , who is in the most difficult, judging position.

This is one program that I enjoy watching. This season is brimming with such positivism and talent that it makes me want to watch it regularly. 

Welcoming Positive Changes in the Indian mindset !

When you are growing up in India, depending on the parenting styles of your parents, each of us get a very minor glimpse (so as to say the tip of an iceberg) of what it means to spearhead the running of a household seamlessly. But when you are married and on your own, nothing prepares you for what hits you straight on. If you want to continue having a happy, contended, and satisfying life for not just yourself but for those around you, there are several decisions that you will make that you may not fully agree with, one or both of us have to arrive at a compromise - the fondly called middle ground/road in our household - so as to not rock the boat. In such cases, some choose to keep their career on the back burner (which is what I did and did it willingly and voluntarily and had the complete support of my spouse), but there are others who do not want to. They give it their all to still hold on to both their personal job profile and a professional job profile but I feel are not duly appreciated/acknowledged. In some scenarios, women give up their career or take a short/long break from their career to relocate due to the demands of their husbands (in rare cases in India, and a slightly higher numbers in other countries, the reverse where the husband gives up his career for his wife's career progress).

In my case, when I decided to take a small break from my work to sort out my time and home management mess before I start looking for another job and add on the professional work management angle to the existing mess. Then I got pregnant and I saw no point in going back to work because, anywhere I join, my job will be evaluated based on my marital status, my pregnancy and my motherhood rather than my work output and capability. I know this to be true because, I have heard comments (made by colleagues when I was part of the paid work force and friends - male/female - alike) to the extent where it is discussed openly, without fear of being unfairly biased, about how marriage will reduce the productivity of a woman (sometimes - a rarity - even for men as they will have to keep up to the so called undue demands of the newly wedded wife and her family) as she will have to choose between home and work. I have also noticed that there is a kind of unwritten policy across most organisations (even in teaching profession) where, the promotion of a deserving woman might not happen either because she is pregnant and expecting or she is getting married and there is a possibility of her moving from the current work location. This is not so in the case of a man who is about to become a husband or a father. Despite having proven their capabilities by working twice as hard and delivering much better than their male counterparts, sometimes, the female employee gets thrown out of the promotion list (if questioned on this, they would be told that they were given a salary hike for their performance but were not deserving of a promotion) if they are pregnant or going to get married due to which they might anticipate a physical relocation.

I do not know if it was coincidence or there is a change in the thought process of people in general, advertisements these days have more progressive messages. Most of these advertisements have English subtitles as well.

The expressions on both the actors faces (the subtle pride in the face of the husband when he tells his wife about what her choice meant to him and the mixture of surprise and  gratitude - on her face is priceless to watch.

The concept of being thankful and acknowledging the choices that the woman had to make in her life for the man to be able to pursue his career (or vice versa where applicable) itself a welcome change. Personally, I think it is brilliant to bring about this change in advertisements as it reaches maximum number of people, different age groups and genders and will have the maximum impact to bring about the needed change in the thought process.

Other such advertisement series that caught my attention and are my favourite these days are

Myntra's "Bold is Beautiful" series - A couple of them that I loved the most:

 

The Move  Ad talking about how it is this society is skewed in thinking it is normal for women to always be ready to follow their husband's job relocation, irrespective of the impact it will have on their own personal careers as this is the "norm", but when the reverse is expected, the man does not feel obligated to support his wife and relocate if the situation demanded him to. The advertisement shows the decisiveness of the woman to go ahead with the decision to relocate in lieu of her career and how she explains it to him.

In The Calling  Ad, Radhika Apte being the pregnant executive having a conversation with an older, maybe a senior female executive, about how the hypocritical the decision to sideline her from the promotion that she much deserves by considering her pregnancy as a hinderance, despite the fact that it was her tireless effort in getting the deal/project for the company. The way she makes herself heard and at the same time brings forth the discriminative behaviour of the management with dignity, poise and confidence won my heart and filled me with pride to see that the thought at least is out in the open (or should I say, "the cat is out of the bag"), the rectification for the problem will surely follow through.

BIBA - Change the conversation series of Ads

This Ad talks about how a pre-marriage discussion turns into something quite delightful! The ad has English subtitles as well for people who do not understand the language spoken. 

A prospective bride groom and his family visiting a prospective bride's family to meet her and then decide if the families can move forward with the marriage proposal. A typical first step in any Indian arranged marriage scenario. The bride is apprehensive about how this would go and below is the conversation between the father and daughter and the rest of the gang assembled in her living room (have tried to translate the Hindi conversation below)

Father: Aren't you ready yet? Everyone is waiting for you downstairs.

Daughter: Papa (Dad), how can I decide over a samosa and a coffee that he is the one with whom I can spend my entire life with?

A stern stare from the father followed by " Come soon" and then he turns and leaves.She sighs and follows suit and joins the rest of the family in the living room.

Boy's mother: No Thank you. You have liberally fed us. (Transliteration. Intended meaning being,"Your hospitality is overwhelming"). We like your daughter, Payal, a lot and are happy to agree for this marriage proposal from our end. Do we assume that it is the same from your end as well?

Payal's father: Of course! But we would also like to visit yor in your home.

Boy's mother: You are most welcome. But why?

Payal's father: Our daughter would also like to see if your son can manage a household or not? If he can cook or not! Only then can we decide on giving her hand in marriage.

Boy's mother: (laughs) He doesn't even know to boil water. On rare occassions, he makes noodles in a microwave.

Payal's father: I am sorry, but my daughter cannot live her entire life on just noodles.

A pregnant pause. The boy himself speaks up.

Boy: Sir, why don't you come to our home after 10 days?

Payal's Dad: Why in 10 days?

Boy: Sir, by then I will learn to cook / create something. You can then come to meet the boy!

Smiles all around.

The scenario is very different and refreshing in comparison to the traditional norm of the Indian society.

Preganews Ad: Another brilliant ad film on how the corporate is being sensitive to the life of a professional woman/asset who is pregnant instead of making her life more difficult by excluding her out of major meetings quoting her pregnancy, and the challenges that it bring with it, as a reason.

Here is the script for the benefit of those who do not understand the language that the Ad is in:

Two collegues are discussing in the conference room when one tells the other that something needs to be done about the staff cost as the result of this quarter are very low. The other is deep in thought and enquires about a specfic staff named Swetha to the peon for which he answers that he is going to get her things next. The executive instructs the peon that from now on in every meeting he is to bring in water for her every 30 minutes.

This specific staff's cubicle is cleared after office hours, all her things are placed in a box and moved. A lady staff asks the peon if the fan does not give out smell and another lady staff talks to someone on the phone instructing them to place the new chair ordered downstairs and leaves for the night. Next day morning, you see a lady climbing up the stairs and coming into office. She smiles and wishes someone good morning only to turn to her desk and find nothing. She asks, "Where's my stuff?"

A colleague answers, "Go down and talk to the HR".

She talks to herself, "How could they do this to me when I am pregnant?" She assumes the worst under the circumstances. She lets out a frustrated sigh, turns around, and walks back down the stairs towards the HR, while she passes a cabin that lights up sensing movement. She turns and on the door sees her name and enters. The rest of the conversation is in English.

Even some of the Tamil daily soaps are interesting. A daily soap called "Maapillai" on Vijay TV talks about how a man marries and goes to live in the house of his wife with her 4 sisters and parents. The emotions, feelings and thoughts that a woman goes through after marriage while trying to adjust into a new family and their routine is now the norm for this man who has moved into his wife's home. A revolutionary thought in itself considering that the norm in Indian marriages is for the girl to move out from her parental home into the in-laws home after marriage. This soap also talks about the general parenting mistakes (like how the boys are completely pampered by their mothers to the extent that they cannot function independently even to get their own coffee or clean and iron their own clothes) and touches upon the other societal stereotypes that are not so nice.

These ads and the new story-lines that are trying to break stereotypes, bring in hope that the change in the thought process will soon happen even where it matters and not just remain as advertisements or movies on screen or in words as blogs/books. More power to the positive change that is slowly but steadily taking over the society at large. Cheers to a better future in the making !