My Perspectives on “Shakuntala Devi” by Anu Menon

Even while being locked inside the home during this unprecedented Covid19 lockdown, I managed to see the movie Shakuntala Devi by Anu Menon – an Amazon Prime exclusive release, only recently. One word to summarize the movie is ‘Awesome’. The life story of the ‘Human Computer’ has been given a focus from humanising her as a Mother and a self-made Entrepreneur and the angle of mental health of the woman, from the viewpoint of her daughter.

Every dialogue, every incident, and every personal struggle that unfolded in this genius’ life has been well captured - in the choice of words used for dialogues, narration, or enacting by lead characters.

The dialogues that I related very well with

'हर माँ बुरी माँ होती है ।' (Har Maa Buri Maa Hoti Hai) – ‘Every mother is a bad mother’ - A statement that Anu’s (Daughter of Shakuntala Devi) mother-in-law tells Anu when she self criticizes her inability to put her own daughter to sleep and is torn from within, due hormonal, psychological & physiological mess that pregnancy, delivery, perinatal care leaves a mother in. Even my daughter who watched this movie had a reaction to this sequence of dialogues – She asked me with eyes popping out ‘So do you really spoil us either way?’

'मैंने अपने माँ को सिर्फ एक माँ के रूप में देखा, उसे एक औरत के नज़रिये से देखा ही नहीं!' (Meine apne maa ko sirf ek maa ke roop mein dheka, use ek aurath ke nazariye se dheka hi nahi) – ‘I never understood my Mom as a woman and only looked at her as a mother’. This line at the end of the movie summarises the hate and anger that almost every daughter has towards her mother while growing up and vows to never become like her mother (very few idolise their mother during their teenage).

These two statements break the circle of toxicity that surrounds a woman due to the socio-cultural expectations of a woman and a mother. The movie very beautifully unfolds by trying to highlight this inner battle that every woman goes through in her life trying to be who she is and trying to fit herself in the mold of who she should be. It tugs at my heartstring every time the insecurity of having to choose responsibility above passion, in the fear of losing a battle – a battle more within me rather than with any external factor.

How complex have we made the society with gender-based norms and clichés, that anything we discuss always seems like going in circles, with seemingly no end, unless we break it with self-reflection and realisation!

Another line that I loved was the one by Tarabai (Sheeba Chadda), 'एक लड़की जो अपनी मन की  सुनती है और दिल खोल के हस्ती है, मर्द के लिए उससे डरावना क्या हो सकता है?' (Ek ladki jo apni man ki sunti hai aur dil khol ke hasti hai, mardo ke liye usse daravana kya ho sakta hai?) – A girl who follows her heart, laughs loudly with no inhibitions, is already a reason to be scared in the perspective of men. The free spirit of wanting to enjoy life and live in the moment is well brought out by the most talented Vidhya Balan (as Shakunthala Devi) and also by Sanya Malhotra (as Anupama).

But the best dialogue that brings out the prevalent sexism, that is not only there in India but worldwide, is the dialogue between young Shakuntala and her sister

Shakuntala’s sister: एक दिन तू भी बहुत बड़ी आदमी बनेगी। (Ek din tu bhi bahut badi aadmi banegi - One day you will become a great man).

Shakuntala: आदमी क्यों बनूँगी? (Aadmi kyun banungi? - Why will I become a man?)

Shakuntala’s sister: बड़ी औरत बनूँगी थोड़ी कुछ है? (Badi aurat banungi thodi kuch hota hai? - There is no term like great woman)

Shakuntala: फिर तो मैं बड़ी औरत ही बनूँगी! (Fir toh main badi aurat hi banungi! - Then I will surely become a great woman)

This also showed the grit, determination, and fearless nature of young Shakuntala who would grow up to challenge this world and its (gender) norms!

For me, this movie showed how a young girl child grows up to be a successful woman known worldwide, despite the personal struggles that she has at every stage, not just with the society but with herself being torn between who she should be and who she is. Despite this struggle and many setbacks, she is able to stay true to her words 'मैं कभी नहीं हारति, always remember that!' (Main kabhi nahi haarti always remember that! - I never fail, always remember that). This attitude to never give up is what always gives her the strength to pull herself out of any situation, even the emotional mess that she herself creates for her and her loved ones. This also allows her to accept ‘What is’ before finding the ‘What next’, even if it means accepting the slew of charges that her daughter (through the hired lawyer) files against her in a criminal case against her own mother! It turns out that this was as a result of another one of the dramatical steps taken by Shakuntala (who owns up to the dramatical nature of Indians earlier in the movie) to get in touch with her daughter, who refuses to even answer phone calls from her mother’s secretary.

The movie also very nicely captures the nurturing side of men in the charaterisation of Javier (Shakuntala’s mentor, who develops a liking for her and as per Shakuntala her lover as she professes when he leaves her, as he feels that she does not need him anymore), Paritosh Banerji (Shakuntala’s husband who gives a very beautiful definition for loving his wife – ‘To love Shakuntala is to Let her go’ breaking the stereotype of a controlling patriarchal male figure), and Amit Sadh (Anupama’s husband. The lovely banter that goes back-and-forth between this young couple and how at every juncture he is characterised as a supportive husband who tells her to deal with her internal struggles with herself, her parents and his parents instead of jumping on him or any other unsuspecting person, who unknowingly becomes a trigger for her unresolved issues to surface).

By the end of the movie, I was in tears mainly because of how beautifully the message on the importance of addressing one’s mental trauma, especially childhood trauma with one’s own parents was highlighted. When this is not addressed, it can have a huge impact on the child’s self-image and self-worth during their lifetime! Nothing or no one can satiate the thirst of this child to be someone unless this early trauma is addressed!

Makes me very happy that such movies and messages can be part of commercialised cinema as well so that it reaches the masses. Added pride is that I am a part of the proud alumni network as the director of the movie!

Note to the movie crew: I saw this movie on a weekday evening around 5 p.m. My son (9 yrs old) saw half the movie and then went out to play with his friends. When it was dinner time and I was in the kitchen, my son was convincing my daughter (13 yrs old) to watch this movie as their dinner-time movie. His pitch was ‘Oh this is a movie about a girl who is a Math genius and can find cube roots faster than a computer’ and they start watching. My daughter tells me when I come out to join them with my dinner plate, ‘I have been smiling ear-to-ear while watching the movie so far and I do not know why I am smiling. She (Shakuntala) is trying so hard (to prove herself).’

Thank you team Shakuntala for engaging children from different age groups and gender with a riveting storyline and screenplay. I had to create a logical break for them to stick to their weekday routine for bed so that they wake up well rested for the online school the next morning. They came back to the movie to complete watching it the next day evening after school!

Gratitude: I am very grateful that this movie has brought to life the internal struggles of people who do not fit the norm of society, not just Shakuntala or Anupama, but also in the form of their supportive and understanding husbands. It enables the discussion on perception and the resulting stress that a person goes through due to perceived notions (real or hypothetical, self-directed or external). It also brings to light the power of looking within to break the cycle of toxicity by accepting ‘What is’ and then addressing ‘What can be done’ to bring contentment in one’s life!

If I have to dissect the aspects of this gratitude then I will have to elaborately speak on every frame of this movie that seems to bring out layers of human nature, emotions, perception and the behaviour that these emotions & perception result in, based on the circumstances at a particular instance of an individual’s life. Doing that level of analysis will result in my writing a book (and not an article about the movie) on life philosophies that are deeply rooted in behavioural science fundamentals!

As an end note, I would like to leave you all with this food for thought: The good, bad, ugly and nasty emotions, and ensuing behaviour are all part of each and every one of us. This movie very beautifully brought that aspect of human nature to light by seamlessly bringing this in every character (central or otherwise) of the plot. Highly recommended watch.

Are you a "knee-jerk" parent?

Recently, had an interesting conversation with my first born (FB), who is in 6th grade.

It all started when I picked her up after school. All the children were running out of the school lobby, with bright smiling faces. My FB came out with a long face and said she had something she wanted to talk when we reached home. This statement had me worrying and I had to ask her, “Can you give me a gist of what it is about?”.

She drops a bombshell that she kind of has started hating specific subject class, as the teacher was being unfair. So I asked her, “What do you mean unfair?”

She starts her detailed explanation with the statement that the teacher says that “the boys in our class are better than the girls” and she never tells us what we need to do to improve our submitted work, so that next time we can do better. All she says is, “This isn’t up to the expectations and I can’t tell you what you need to do better”.

The feminist mother in me immediately reacts with, “What the hell? How can a teacher in a position of responsibility, make such a biased and unfair statement?”, but thankfully I was sane enough to keep my mouth shut and told my daughter that we would continue the discussion once we reach home.

We come home, I dispense my SAHM duties of giving my children their evening drink and snacks, catch up on my WhatsApp messages and then asked her, “So, now tell me what were you talking about in school about the class you did not like?”

So she starts off with her narrative again and this time with some additional information.

“Amma, we had a few group projects we had to do as part of our class work and the teacher put us in groups of 4 comprising of all girls or all boys group. Every time we finish our class work project, we are marked and today the teacher said that that in our class the boys seem to be more creative than the girls. She always gave them high marks and we got 4/10.”

I had to struggle to curtail my instantaneous reaction to want to cajole my child and say she was the best and find out the whole thing before I jumped to any conclusion. “Did you ask your teacher why you were marked so low and what could be done better for your work be termed better?”

“Yes. We did.”

“So what was her answer?”

“She said she couldn’t tell that but just that we had to improve on our creativity, presentation and catchiness”.

I was a bit annoyed that this would be the answer that a teacher would give a child studying in 6th grade. But then, my trust in the schooling system and the faith that the world around you is the best teacher and whatever happens, always happens for a reason, kicked in. So I proceeded to prod further.

“Okay… So are you allowed to check out each others’ work after it is marked?”

“Yes, Amma.”

“So did you check the work of the group that was given more marks than you?”

“Yes.”

“What did you think of their work? According to you, did you think that their work was worthy enough of getting more than you or was it like yours or bad?”

“It was better than ours.”

“Okay. Now I am confused. If it was better than yours, then why do you think that your teacher was unfair to mark them more than you.”

“If you put it like that…. But she told that the boys were way better than the girls. That was hurtful.”

Now, slowly the problem surfaces. So I ask, “Okay I agree that such a blanket statement could have been avoided, but the world is unfair in making such stereotypical judgemental statements. So we do not have a choice but to deal with it. And in this case, it was a factual statement, though a bit harshly put. Is that the only reason you are hurt or is there more to it? Did someone tell you that your teacher was being unfair?”

“Yes, my friends said that this teacher is always partial with the boys and that in all the classes she goes, she says these kinds of statements.”

“Let us now stop with this thought process and focus on facts. Do you feel or have your experienced first hand that this teacher acts partially in her approach or do you think she was just making a factual observation as far as your class is concerned?”

After a couple seconds of thought, she answers, “She was making a factual observation.”

“Does she always make such stereotypical remarks in the last few months you have been attending her class, or was it just the first time she made this statement and that too after the work was evaluated and the statement was justified by the work displayed?”

“This is the first time…” Her face breaks out in a smile and all her frustration, disappointment and hurt vanishes. “Thank you for helping me see clearly. Next time I will try harder.”

“If you still think the teacher was wrong and unfair, I can come and talk to her about it.”

“No Amma, I was wrong. I started thinking she was unfair because all my friends were saying so and I believed that and became kind of biased. I couldn’t see it as clearly as this. How do you do it Amma?”

“Very simple. Next time before you get angry or frustrated about something or someone, evaluate the entire situation with just the facts, rather than the opinions of others. What I did now was only help you see through the facts and filter out the opinions. Once you have done this, and you still think that the anger or frustration is justified, then work towards finding the way to remove that anger/frustration and fix it once and for all. Sometimes it might not be that simple and you might just have to let it go with no fix… In such cases, take your time to vent out the frustration in a constructive way and then move on.”

“Love you Amma. Now I can go and do my homework peacefully.”

I smiled and thanked my mother to have given me this kind of practical thinking and a sense of “detached attachment” to be able to see the big picture before I jump to conclusions. So my question to all you parents are, do you instantly jump to comfort your child when they are frustrated or complaining OR do you help your child analyse the situation, and arrive at a practical conclusion to help them out of their frustrated mood?

Note: Originally published by me and featured in Momspresso (Showcased as "Article of the Month" for October 2018) as Are You Actually A Knee-Jerk Parent? .

"Elephant in the Room" - How can you help?

A High School auditorium filled with teenagers. Everyone’s face is tense and displays a sense of anxiety as to why they have been asked to assemble, especially when the most unpopular child (not because she is a bully but because she was a survivor of abuse/bullying) is on stage with a Law Enforcement Officer. She starts talking...

“I am a survivor of sexual assault. I felt broken. I was sad, angry. But then what came after - the bullying - I felt like I was underwater, drowning. I want you to know, that what you do, what you say to each other, it hurts. It has consequences you know.” The Officer starts speaking “First of all, I would like to congratulate Mandy for her bravery and courage. We are not here to blame or point fingers. We are not here talk about what could have been. We are here to start a conversation. I would like to invite you all to participate in a simple exercise.” and she stands up. “If you could all just close your eyes and take a second to settle yourselves.” Everyone looks to their neighbours confused and even more scared. The survivor says, “Come on, if I can do it…” and closes her eyes. The rest of them follow the action.

The Officer then goes on to say, “Keeping your eyes closed, I am going to ask you to stand up if you have been hurt by bullying”. A small group of children get up. She continues, “Keeping your eyes closed, stand up if you have been a victim of hazing. If you have ever been hurt by gossip.” Another few join those who are already standing and then she goes on to say, “Stand wp if you have ever been a victim of a sexual assault. Stand up if you have ever been a victim of violence. I would like you to open your eyes and take a look around.” The children are shocked to see that almost the entire auditorium is standing up. She continues to say, “Looking around we can all agree that we are in this together. You have the power to change this by being more accepting, more compassionate. You are not alone.”

Slowly, each child start talking about the incidents that affected them. Some accepted that their inaction to openly stand by those they were close with when they came to them for help was wrong. Some claimed that they were being bullish as they were under the impression that it was the norm and it was how they were funny and cool, but now they realise that they have wronged.

The above narration is from of a recent episode “No Good Reason” from “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”. This is a fictional series that has been telecast in the USA and is in its 19th season and started from the year 1999. The episodes are often "ripped from the headlines" or loosely based on real crimes that have received media attention.

Why did I narrate this scene? When I saw this scene, even though I knew it was only a work of fiction, it shook me to the core because it felt like true life incident. It is not uncommon these days to come across news articles on victims of bullying, sexual assault, violence (any kind), gossip/false news, where even loss of life as one of the many consequences. In the last couple of years, there have been numerous trending hashtags including #MeToo, #NotAllMen, #YesAllWomen and many more. None of these were restricted to a gender, group, ethnicity, state, or country. It was a worldwide phenomenon impacting each one of us in some way or the other. I fear for the kind of world that we will soon leave behind for our future generations:

• Self-Centric: glued to the gadgets to garner fame on social media, away from human interactions
• Lack of empathy to fellow human beings
• Lack of drive and the intelligence to filter unverified forwards/real news and judging on an impulse
• Lack of basic survival skills
• Inability to have meaningful conversations
• Developing extremely polarised views

How can you Help?

Whether you have been personally affected by any form of violence or abuse, each one of us are part of the problem. We directly or indirectly contribute to the issue by our indifference. I understand that it is difficult to personally interfere and stand up for the one being victimised every time you witness such incident, but there might be other ways by which you can at least be supportive.

• When the victim comes to you for help (in any form),
• Being there for the person by empathising with them
• Not being judgemental
• By providing a listening ear when they go through the healing process.
• Awareness about the local laws of the land and registering such misdeeds or mishaps
• Alert the Emergency services giving clear instructions to the location of the incident and/or approach the right authorities and appraise them appropriately.
• Connecting with our children, peers and elders who are in your social circle of influence about:
• The difference between a joke and a “rude” joke, at the cost of attacking someone’s self esteem or dignity.
• The importance of standing up for what is right
• To be socially aware and responsible for the consequences of our words and actions including, leaving behind responsible digital footprints (e.g. comments you make in social media)
• Having simple “home rules” to facilitate healthy conversations
• This can be a specific time of day say, Dinner, without gadgets where the whole family sits together and shares their views. This can help develop a healthy habit of being open to different viewpoints,  and reduces polarisation of thoughts and learn how to ‘agree to disagree’ politely.

Here are some interesting videos that addresses harassment and doing the right thing in small but impactful ways:

1. Harassment on local transport
2. Handling Sexual Harassment at Work
3. Domestic Abuse - Women Safety Begins at Home
4. Stop Bullying - Everyone Can Help
5. I'm Really Sorry - A movie on Bullying

I am sure if all of us work with all sincerity to acknowledge the problem and then think of more creative ways to overcome such issues, the “Elephant in the room” can be addressed.

To Work or not to Work? A Stay-At-Home-Mom's Perspective

If you think this is about me a stay-at-home-mom's (SAHM) dilemma before or after I had kids, you are partially right, but this is not just about that. This question "To work or not to Work" is something that I have asked myself millions of times at various stages in my life, after I completed my basic education (12 + 5 years of college in one of the esteemed universities - probably the only university - that offers integrated dual degrees in India). This is also a question I have been asked by many (family, friends and strangers alike) over the years. This is also a question, I know for a fact that my husband also keep asking himself and has been asked by many others that he has come across in his life so far including our children and me. Now I can see cog wheels turning inside your heads when you are contemplating the various scenarios and instances that this could have happened. So let me start with the most obvious of this scenario that deals with me (because as humans we are always self obsessed and like to talk a lot about what goes on with our lives, especially the imbalances in it and I am no exception) and then move on to the more intriguing aspect which is for a husband, the male (for whom to work is the norm and there can never be any other question especially one) that even considers about not working.

The female/wife/mother/woman angle

A couple of years ago, while I was travelling to my husband's home town, during our India visit with the children (just me and my 2 children), in a train journey, I happened to strike a conversation with a co-passenger, a stranger, who was also travelling to a destination close to mine. She was travelling to her home town to visit her parents after year of her second delivery and was travelling alone with 2 children. So this was a conversation between two recent time mothers (My youngest was couple of years older than her youngest).

She had recently resigned her job after using up her maternity vacation (paid and unpaid), and was doubting herself if she took the right choice. Somehow, she found me safe enough to share her personal information with me (which I might not have done without a little prodding). Guess it must have more to do with the intensity of the self doubting that she was going through rather than my being a safe enough sounding board.

"I just resigned my job as a Team Lead an IT firm. I used to draw a good salary and now I am wondering if I did the right thing by giving up my job. But when I see my children and the fact that I am able to make sure what I put in my daughter's lunch box is something fresh, home cooked and healthy, when she leaves for school in the morning, and the fact that I can attend to beck and call of my younger daughter every time she cries for a comforting hug or has melt down for my complete attention, makes me think it was the right thing to do. When I meet my friends from school and college, I start doubting myself as they have progressed in their career and they also have a family. Some days are so depressing, I do not have peers around me to have intellectual conversations with, I feel there is lack of challenge to my thought process. I feel that I am wasting away my life by choosing to stay at home instead of working and putting to use the education that I was privileged to have. I feel that I am doing injustice to my qualifications." Listening to her made me think how similar she sounded and looked to how I felt when I resigned my job a few years back. She asked me, "Are you working?". I said "I am not". Then, she asked me about my educational qualifications and when I told her that I had an integrated dual-degree from one of the prestigious institutes in India and a PG diploma, she was surprised and her immediate next question was "With a single Bachelors degree, I am doubting myself for not working, with your educational qualifications don't you feel you are wasting it by staying home?"

I contemplated a bit before I answered her. This involved opening up about my personal life (including opinions, state of mind, and choices) to a stranger and I wanted to be absolutely sure if I was ready to. But then, looking at her dilemma, made me think how nice it would have been if I did have someone to talk to every time I went through this kind of self doubt myself. So we continued our conversation. I told her, "The choice to work or to stay at home depends on your personal take on what your priority is. As clichéd as it sounds, that is the truth. You need to have your choices and priorities right. Otherwise it is going to be a very difficult task to stay happy and contended in the long run."

"You make it sound simple.", she said. "Believe it or not, it is that simple, but to arrive at this state of clarity is a long journey which is filled with self doubt and struggles. When we compare ourselves with those friends / colleagues of ours who have decided to continue to pursue their career (what ever their reasons behind it are), then we are doing injustice to ourselves. You cannot compare apples with oranges. It is not a fair comparison. A good option is to list what your needs are and proceed from there. No solution is perfect. There is always scope for improvements and adjustments. Do what is needed to make life easier and happier for yourself and your family."

"Don't you ever feel that you made a mistake by deciding to quit your job?" she asked.

"Yes, almost every instance I feel taken for granted or ignored, I wonder if I took the right decision. Then, I think if I had continued to work, would I have been happier than what I am now? Every time the answer to that question is NO, and immediately my doubts vanish. The reason behind is the fact that I know I would not have given my 100% to the 'paying job' (career) and then come back home to give a 100% to my family. And personally, if I cannot do that, then I cannot be content, in turn affecting my family. So it all drills down to what you really want - a successful career (where you will need at least some dependency from others around you to tackle day-to-day chores), or just concentrate full-time on your family (giving up your professional career, being able to better manage a Home-Maker role hands on)". We continued to converse till the children slept & parted ways at our respective destinations.

Now it is 11 years since I resigned my last job and I did not resign just because I became a mother. I resigned because, I was struggling to balance between a demanding professional life and tiring needs at home. I was just married (a year into marriage when I resigned) and was immediately in-charge of managing a household (about which I had a vague idea but was unprepared when the whole thing was starring at my face). If I could not do justice to the roles that I chose to play without having to depend on others around me for support to even deliver my basic job requirements, then I would not be personally satisfied and happy. So the better option for me was to give up my professional career so that I could give my 100% to my personal career (Home Management)! But from the time I made this decision, I am constantly challenged by many (family and friends alike) that I am wasting my studies by staying at home. How am I wasting my knowledge gained, If I can use what I have studied / learnt to apply them in my day-to-day tasks and make it enriching to everyone whose life I touch including my own family?

When I put down my resignation, my colleagues asked me, "What would you do sitting at home all day? I will go mad if I had to do that!". My answer was, "For now, I am just taking a break from professional life, take a step back, re-assess my stakes and then move forward from there depending on what I decide as my future path. Till then I am going to enjoy a vacation.". But truth be told, the "vacation" never came. When I resigned from job, I tried my level best to keep in touch with family and friends. I thought I had 8 hours of free time (the time I spent in an office when I was working) at hand and could pursue anything that I wanted to including to revive my hobbies. That never happened. At risk of repeating what many have already said, the day of a home maker is filled with tasks that never end. So instead of doing that, let me tell you how my typical day would be. My typical day would start at 6 in the morning and end at 10 p.m. (ideally it should and used to till I had children) I do have free hours during the day when I can basically laze around in front of the TV and watch serials or programmes of my choice. But that comes with the tough choice that I had to make to forego the organised world of profession where my work would be periodically evaluated and accolades and brick bats would follow the normal course, based on the kind of deliverable/output I gave, and follow a path where the word "organised" becomes a case of luxury. Any work I do is taken for "granted", because I am at home and have all the time in the world to do it, and unless I really went all out to make sure that I spell out exactly what I do, and what it translates into when put in monetary, time and effort perspective (difficult to bring it into that perspective but with some effort can be done) contributes a hell a lot of roles and responsibilities clubbed into one complete package, I would never have a peer review or appraisal that will put my household work in the right perspective and give me a sense of achievement from someone else's point of view.

Every time I visit my relatives or friends, they never fail to ask me about what I do now that both my children are in school full time. I used to try to tell them how my day is filled with tasks to ensure that the rest of the family has a peaceful life especially with a travelling husband (his job requirement demands him to), and a young family settled abroad with a single earning member. I had friends remark jovially that somehow I always tend to remain busy despite no employment. There used to be time when that statement hurt me, because I am not "jobless". I just do not have a job that pays money. I do not have a job that has a regular evaluation process set up. I do not have set standard or benchmark to which I can compare myself and readjust or re-position my progress. My job requires me to wear multiple hats that include the roles of a:

• Day Planner - every day I plan to finish 10 odd jobs but at the end of the day, I see that the jobs that I planned to finish have not been started at all while I ended up doing 15 other jobs which were not part of my day's plan. 
• Cook/Chef - try to start making a particular spread for lunch or dinner and then suddenly figure out that during the course of the day, you had planned to get the necessary ingredients for it but never got around to do the shopping because something else came up and this got left out and so mid way you get creative and come up with a new dish of your own and guess what, it becomes a hit, but you do not know how to replicate it again.
• Child Carer - You just dropped off your older one at school, finished shopping and running some errands that might or might not have included a visit to government offices or any such place that required you to patiently wait for an hour in queue for a job that took less that 5 minutes once you reached the counter, and are entering home while the younger one is sleeping in the stroller/buggy peacefully, so you decide to leave the child in the stroller so as not to disturb and try to catch up on the zzzzs that you lost the previous night because your older one was complaining of pain in the ear/nose/eyes/teeth/stomach/back/knee/there between the legs/pinky toes... and you get a call from the school saying that you need to come to school because the older child has had a small accident and though there is nothing to worry, needs to be picked up and taken home so that the rest of the day can be spent at home resting. So you rush back to school in what ever mode of transport necessary with the younger one waking up mid way and yelling all the way back till you reach home and there goes your zzzzzzzzzs.
• Personnel Assistant & Accountant - Irrespective of whether you are educated or uneducated, I think every wife (in the current scenario I should be saying the staying home partner but I would not be sure if I would be stating the facts as I only know what goes on in my home) goes through this. Act as a reminder service for the husband for even keeping in touch with family and friends, to pay bills on time, to ensure the posting of those odd letters/applications that still need to be done by manual post and not through emails, fill out forms online for stuff like passport renewal, visa processing, ordering gifts for the birthday parties that the children might end up attending over the weekends, scan bills that need to submitted for reimbursements, and sometimes even proxy for the husband not being able to get away from work to attend to the extended family's needs.
• Nurse - any day any time to attend to the first aid to reduce pain and discomfort for the family members until the time that the actual doctor's appointment is available (which most of the times happens to be after the pain or discomfort or ailment disappears with the home based remedies that have been tried)
• Tutor & Governess - After school, the children need to practice what they have learnt in school and for families like ours where we are not sure where we are going to settle down, the necessity to keep up with what other parts of the world also do including learning mother tongue or a language that the country that we might possibly move to next has as its primary or secondary language, fill the gaps that the current curriculum might have in comparison with the rest of the education systems...
• Domestic Helper - Includes dish cleaning, window cleaning, spring cleaning, weekly cleaning, moping floors, regular laundry and ironing, small fixes like fixing buttons and tears in the seams in dresses/pants/shirts, fixing DIY shelves and work table that get delivered home in a box, minor fixes in scooters/bicycles, electrical fixtures at home like replacing worn out bulbs, mend minor leaks...

are some that I creatively could name and provide a sample of what that particular role would demand. Over the years, I have learned to condition myself to smile at such questions. I smile not because, I can't answer them, but I do not see a point in answering it as what ever answer I give will never completely convey my experience of my day.

When a sibling/cousin or a working friend or spouse callously says, "You would not understand the stress that the work place politics and expectations have on me", "I am paid to work not to take time off from work", I used to feel like an outsider and subdued. I remember when I used to work, my mentor told me once, "If you want to understand how to effectively play work place politics, then learn to play politics at home. There is never a better place than there to learn how to do it". I did not understand what he meant at that time as it was my first job and I was just fresh out of college living by myself. But now, almost 2 decades after that "gyan" session, after living as a full time home maker, I completely understand what he meant. I can tell you there is no better place to learn the nuances of Organisational Behaviour and master the art of excelling in the game of Organisational Politics than home, where there is an additional twist of emotions and relationships coming into play which is non-existent in a professional environment. If I have to elaborate on it, then I am sure I will end up writing a complete book on this. Suffice it to say, family is nothing less than an organisation and even more complicated than it and the experience, personal growth and sense of achievement, well rounded (read emotionally beaten up) approach and humility that it has given me to have crossed the hurdles that I have with or without help, I doubt I would have had it if I had chosen to lead a professional career. Enough said about myself. Moving on to the other side.

The Male/husband/father angle

When I decided to quit my job, we had just married and a year into marriage and had to make adjustments to ensure that the financial void that my leaving the job would create can be balanced by what ever job, whatever role that my husband took up. We were in a city living in a rented apartment with substantial rental cost. Added to this was we were planning to expand our family and hence had to save up for that as well. Both of us being family centric, we did not want to leave our respective families in the lurch, not that they were financially dependent on us but we wanted to do our share of providing for them financially as well in addition to being available to them physically and emotionally. This being said, he did not even think before he congratulated me on deciding to quit my job. He has never, till date, asked why I decided to quit (I did talk with him before putting down my papers but not for permission, more as informing him of my decision and discuss when and how to execute the decision) without consulting him. For my in-laws it was a happy news as they belonged to the section of people (including some of the text books that till date have the same clichéd role definitions) who thought once married the wife managed the home, while the husband went out to work. This decision taken, we both were not really prepared for what was to hit us after this. The initial days where I was enjoying my new-found free time, I am sure he was going through the turmoil of having to carry the burden of financial stability of the entire family on his shoulders all by himself. But there has never been a single day or single instance when he has complained of having to carry that burden alone.

Instead, every time I talked to him about getting back to work only to help out in easing this burden, his answer to me has always been "I am fine. The home management is in the hands of a capable person who is doing a good job of doing it with just single income. So you do not need to go to work just for the financial aspect of it; but if you do want to work because you think that would give you personal happiness and contentment, then go ahead. Otherwise, we are fine as we are."

To ensure that we lead a comfortable life and not have to compromise on our standard of living, he decided to take up Onsite roles (overseas). A person who is more than happy to go back to his home town and home land at the drop of a hat because he can stay closer to extended family and friends, decided to spread his wings and explore the world purely because it provided him with opportunities to scale heights that he needed to scale to keep up the standard of living for us, provide for his family, as well as, it was an opportunity to give my young family an experience of a life time that many have not had the pleasure of having. We have been lucky to live in 3 countries outside India (US, France and now UK) and enjoy the cultural experience that each country gave us, travel to more places than most in my family have ever travelled in our age and give our children an openness to the concept of right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable because of our extensive travel and meeting people with different points of view.

There have been several instances where me and my children included, have blamed my husband, of prioritising work ahead of anything else because he has had to miss birthdays, anniversaries, and marriages in the family as there was probably some meeting or some travel scheduled that he could not miss (even if those events were on weekends). During these times, there were extensive exchange of words between us which have been quite hurtful, but he did what he did because he thought that that was the best option at that time.

Both of us have matured in our thoughts and probably in our level of self worth as well. Now he follows a strict code of not working (official) during weekends and spends all of his time for the family and during these two days, he also manages to give me at least a half day of break from my home maker's role where he handles the kitchen, chores, children, attends to their needs, dons all of my multiple hats, makes time to keep in touch with family and friends. Despite this, he goes through a hell a lot criticism for doing a "woman's job", to which he turns a deaf ear and moves on with a smile that never fades . I would say, in my home, even I manage to get half a day off, but the man of my home never has time away from his work. Right from the time when my oldest was 5 months old and I felt like a milk production unit, my husband never once frowned on me when I used to literally shove our child in his hand the minute he steps through the front door after a tiring day at work (so that I can then peacefully attend to the task of making dinner and clearing the dishes), or to happily be the play partner to her when she decided that she was going be playing during her Indian evening while we were residing in the USA and then next morning leave for work despite not having been able to sleep off the tiredness of the previous day (and night) only to come back in the evening and go through the entire thing once again with the never fading smile.

Do what works for you

We are at a happy state of mind now, with the choices that we have made in our lives. By choosing to stay at home and not work at all, I am available to my children always at home for what ever and when ever they need me. I keep my house in order all on my own with no additional domestic help or help from family. I spend time with my children to help them with their studies and play. And even after all this, I am not remunerated, never go through regular appraisal cycles to evaluate the quality of my work, nor am I acknowledged on a daily basis for the job I do to make life easier for others around me. Equally my husband, after toiling for 5 days at his regular paid job, does not even think twice before he takes up the job to support me on the 2 days of the week, when most would like to kick back and relax.

To do a job when you are paid for it, appreciated for it, remunerated in the form of hike and promotions is easier to do mainly because of the external motivation that the job gives you, but to continue to doing this job of stay-at-home-mom, and to jump in to share equal responsibility from your spouse and even go the extra mile of giving her the much needed break from routine (or the lack of it) after toiling the entire working week in a regular paid job instead of taking the weekend off to recuperate for the next week, after doing it for 11 years now, I can say that, to keep doing this despite all that I mentioned above, requires immense courage and self motivation that can only come if you really like what you have chosen to do. So for all those who are going through this dilemma (life is filled with them - a statement that even my 9-yr old daughter seems to have understood which I consider as my achievement as a mother), think of what you want and then choose the path that would give you exactly what you want. Never compare yourself with anyone else because, each person is unique. You can have help manuals for products, not for people. What works for me might not work for you. So you are the best judge of what will work for you and never allow anyone else to tell you otherwise. It is okay to get opinions from others but do not let others decide for you. It is you and only you who can answer that question of "To Work or Not to Work?" #NoConditionsApply

Hello Dear Zindagi!

After watching the entire movie, my 9-yr old daughter asked, "Is this the end of the movie?" 

B: "Yes. That's the end." 

M: "That's amazing Appa (father in my mother tongue). No love or lived happily ever after?"

Now, I join the conversation between father and daughter to make a point - "There is happily ever after Dear. Why do you ask so?"

M: "No boy-girl love, senseless pursuit and then struggle, no kissing on the lips (ewwwwwwwww - her expression) and then finally happily ever after?"

That was the discussion at the end of the movie in addition to many more such Q & A session during the course of the movie. The parent in me felt really happy that I do not have to explain (read having to justify against my sense of better judgement, just so that she does not get scared of the big bad world out there) to my child that some of the scenarios that are portrayed in the movie does not necessarily happen in real life (mind voice cynically saying, "Really??" at the exact same instance).

For the first time, watching a movie with a fast-growing-up toddler moving towards her teens, was not a stress but a pleasure. Thanks to Gauri Shinde for another wonderful movie, that was a pleasure to watch with the entire family. It is a movie that we could relate to with our everyday problems in modern context. Personally, I felt that the movie beautifully conveyed a lot of important things that are so much the need of the hour and also, it does the job of a "counsellor" pretty well and costs way less than what one would spend to get themselves treated by a DD "Dhimag ka Doctor" (as the movie calls the psychologist). 

Dialogues like:

1. "Do you go to a DD because you want to tell the world that you are gay?" "No, I go to DD because I want to tell myself that I am gay."

2. "Why should you have to choose the tough path to reach for your most important dream and why not take the easy route if you are not even ready to navigate the tough route that lays ahead of you?" - a wise suggestion for anyone facing a dilemma in life (which is ever existing is everyone's life irrespective of the age or role).

3. "Who are these people that keep following you around who get to decide what is right and what is wrong about the choices in your life?"

4. "When you are comfortable with what you want from life and accept who you are now, then why worry about what others would think?"

5. "Don't let your past blackmail your present to ruin your beautiful future"

6. "Think of your parents are normal people and then look at their actions"

are learning that each of us need in our lives to move forward and embrace the present and welcome the beautiful future that can come tomorrow. Dreading what the future will hold, is a sign that we have let our failures or disappointments from the past to take over our present and hence our future to be scary.

To write one post about the greatness of this movie is not enough. Looking at the movie from various perspectives only makes me in awe of the director's finesse to have handled the concept and importance of Psychotherapy, the taboo attached to getting help for emotional stress one faces in their life, the emotional baggage all of us carry around with us trying to compare us with the unrealistic expectation (which is also probably a self interpretation of what the society wants from us), the misguided mindset of wanting to credit someone other than the one deserving of credit alone to their success in life, attributing personality and status to the dress code and conduct (I can go on and lose track of what I wanted to say when I started the statement). 

The part where Kaira (played by Alia Bhatt) opens up about that one instance that created a fear in her mind which has ruled over her entire life up until that point was well captured. To define what is that one thing that pushes you into the disruptive cycle of depression and fear is a very difficult thing and to bring it on a screen using imagination is even tougher. But the writer, and the actors both have done a phenomenal job. Also, the point where Kaira and Dr.Jug (played by King Khan) part during their last session, is also a brilliant portrayal of reality. This particular concept has been talked about in many movies both in Bollywood and Hollywood in varied levels fo elaboration right from a passing comment in speed "I have to warn you. I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work." to the Kiss that the teacher gives to the blind girl in movie "Black". This movie has dealt it with openly talking about it and saying it is okay to have such strong feelings towards someone who has emotionally or physically helped you, but equally reciprocating might not be possible or even if a similar reaction is existing from the other person involved also, it may not always be ethically right and/or have a detrimental effect on the emotional progress and then bid adieu and part as just a therapist and patient to go about their separate ways.

The movie ended on another great message about how you just need to fight the battle outside yourself and not within, only then will you be able to achieve your dreams in their fullest glory. This was not the only strong message. When Kaira's uncle (or father) tells Raghuvendra (played by Kunal Kapoor) that she achieved her dream because of him coming into her life for which Raghuvendra pauses a couple of seconds, and then says "She did what she did only because I was NOT part of her life" and raises a toast to it, then both Kaira's father and his uncle tend to agree reluctantly. 

This is one movie, I would probably be buying a personal copy to keep to myself. After movie "Salangai Oli", this is one movie, I am sure I am going to be seeing in repetitions and never get tired of watching even after the point where I can narrate the dialogues by heart. 

#DearZindagi

Appreciation for Old Age !!

Old Age - All of us go through it one way or other. What we all fail to realize is that, life is a big circle and  the truth "what goes around comes back around" - sometimes with 'extra baggage' as well ! In today's fast-paced world, all of us hear and read about families where elders (especially parents and grandparents) are not taken care of and ignored. Respect for elders and multi-generational households are also dwindling. Many ‘old age homes’ have opened as a reflection of this change, where elders live either from choice or because there is no one to look after them. I recently came across an interesting e-mail forward, which prompted me to post this blog. Here is a snippet from the same:

"Mr. ABC booked an air ticket for his parents' trip back to their home town instead of booking it in a train and was awarded with a very emotional thank you from his parents, as it meant a great deal to them to be travelling by air, for the first time in their whole life."

This is probably a trivial incident. I am sure there must have been various instances in each of our own life's experiences from where we can take countless examples. We often take our elders for granted and undermine sacrifices that they have done for us over the years with the simple statement - "It was their duty to do the same for their children". But if we really recount such 'simple sacrifices', it will be countless. There was a selflessness in their actions towards us, making our life better within their limited capacity, without us knowing the hardships that they might have gone through to satisfy our demands and delight us.

For example, during a traditional function like Diwali, they would have borrowed / saved money in advance, foregoing their needs, to ensure that the children are not disappointed about their fun with fireworks or new clothes !!! For such innumerable selfless acts, what do they get in return when they get old? Lack of emotional support, neglect by the family members, feeling of insecurity, disrespect and loss of dignity. Children often cite reasons such as being too busy with their own work, 'family' and children (yet they are always able to spend both time and money on holidays, expensive clothes, restaurants/parties...). They blame it on "Generation Gap" and 'brand' elders as 'conservative, boring and out-of-touch with reality'. When our own children grow up, it might be surprising to find us being categorized as old-fashioned, ignorant of latest gadgets / technologies :-)

On the same note, in many families, parents and their married children are not able to get along with each other. We also know about many parents, who still treat their married children like kids, dominating their choice of career, lifestyle and even family planning. The children are also lectured on degrading traditional values, lack of shouldering responsibilities and undermining sufferings of the earlier generations.

Having said that, younger generation and elders should respect each other’s 'culture', feelings and compromise to some extent.  Children need to spend time listening to and addressing specific emotional and material needs of our elders, and treasure them.  After all, our elders expect them to be heard, age with dignity, spend time together with the loved ones and a lot of love !! It is never too late to appreciate and cherish elders for their roles in our lives.