Thanks to the ever-charming host ‘King’ Khan, Latha started watching a popular TV show - “TED Talks India”. On a relaxed Sunday, she saw a recorded episode, focusing on women empowerment. Two speakers talked about girl child education (Safeena Hussain – Educate Girls) and standing up for sexually abused children and women (Trisha Shetty – SheSays). Both these speakers and their causes hit too close to home – one because she believed that educating the girls is really a single stop solution to most problems that we see in our society and the other jolted her from her pacified state of mind that all is fine, to acknowledge that some wounds are so deep that the scars remain for life!
Halfway through the narrative of Trisha, Latha was stunned to feel raging emotions in her mind and tears started rolling down her cheeks uncontrollably. Just then her husband entered the living room, got a glimpse of the TV screen and immediately rushed to give her a comforting hug. This instant feeling of love and security gave her the shoulder she wanted and she eventually calmed down – as Trisha completed her speech and the sound of claps reverberated from the TV screen.
Like Trisha and millions of women across the world, Latha had also experienced such abuses. In her early teens, Latha was visiting her relatives’ home during her summer vacation for a short homestay. Taking advantage of the situation that she was staying alone with his family that night, without her parents, one of her cousins had touched her inappropriately when she was sound asleep. She had just hit puberty and was already dealing with physical and emotional changes and was baffled by experiencing such a lewd behaviour at such an unexpected moment. Though she had the presence of mind to quickly react & run to safety before it could have gotten any worse, she felt immense shame to not be able to share it with any of the adults around. In the morning, to her astonishment, her abuser coxed her to remain silent and made her feel guilty by implying that she probably enjoyed the encounter as well! His remarks were convincing enough for her to carry the guilt, though she strongly refuted his lewd statements. She missed her mother and could not wait to get back to her home.
Once in the safety of her home, she still could not bring herself to speak to her Mom. Every emotion that Trisha was talking about, including looking at herself in the mirror and asking “Why did it happen to her?” “Why did she let it happen?” “How did she let it happen?” kind of questions in a never-ending loop drove her crazy and eventually she decided that she had to let it all out. Still, she wasn’t comfortable talking about it to anyone, not even her Mother who unlike the other mothers of that generation, was very friendly and open to talk anything. Almost a month had passed and she feared that her Mother might also judge her. So, she decided to pen it down in a diary and kept it well hidden in her shelf. She kept moving the dairy every day, but as fate would have it, her Mother did find it and also read it and confronted her.
Though Latha felt cornered, her Mother comforted her and said she will not be judged and that she need not blame herself (as Latha had written in the diary), as it was not her fault. Hearing this, Latha started bawling, lying down in her Mom’s lap. Her mother told her not to hold herself responsible, and that most women go through this, including herself! This shocked Latha to another silence but made her realise how the double standard of this society places an enormous burden on the woman for character building and associates the same with her sexual chastity. The absurdity of this was something she wanted to change and this prompted her to choose her career path in Behavioural Sciences. Mother asked Latha to “let go” of her guilt and promised to stay by her for any emotional support that she needed. A few months of erratic emotions and a few Mom-Daughter talks (Mom playing the role of a counsellor) later, Latha was able to come out of victim mentality and guilt, but the incident itself left a deep scar in the mind of a teen that she hasn’t been able to forget.
She never went back to that relatives’ home after this, though she did not shy away from speaking with that family if she happened to meet them on other occassions. Her abuser never bothered her again - guess he saw the change in the demeanour of Latha and felt that he might end up in trouble if he pursued her further. There were other such encounters where aged men tried to take advantage of a teenager alone at home or those leechers who felt no shame to grope her on a crowded bus, that she took for her school.
Such incidents only strengthened the resolve that Latha had made to pursue a career in Psychology, primarily to be the kind of support that her Mother was for her, to many more than just her future children. Her Mother always quoted that “You can only feel guilt when you were responsible for an action”. In all these cases, Latha was only a passive innocent recipient of abusive behaviour, and so she was not responsible for what she had to face. This lesson stuck with her for life.
She knew that not all survivors were lucky like her to have a Mother who listened and supported them in all their decisions and situations. She wanted to set up a support system for sexual abuse victims to cope with the after-effects of such trauma and also to spread the message that a survivor of sexual abuse has no need to wallow in self-guilt. She aspires to create a society where not only girls but boys are also taught about boundaries, educated about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, taught to acknowledge and deal with emotions and vulnerability and create a gender-neutral mindful parenting strategy, that would enable parents to bring up well-rounded (grounded), responsible adults.
This focus drove Latha to pursue Arts and Science after school, top her Masters in Behavioural Science and become a Psychotherapist who excels in counselling sexual abuse survivors, their families, conduct parental workshops to increase awareness on related topics for both genders, including giving tips on gender-neutral parenting strategies that ensure healthy mental growth and outlook for the children. Hearing Trisha speak of similar vision made her feel that she is not alone and there is hope for a better tomorrow for our future generations.
As Latha woke up the next day, reminding herself to get in touch with SheSays, she walked to her home office to get ready for her first appointment of the day.
Yes – she now helps others also to “let go” of the unwarranted guilt!
