Can Success be a Stressor?

There are many definitions of success. In this mad rush to achieve success (any extrinsic definition that we choose) we forget that true success is only intrinsic. The feeling of being content is what enables you to enjoy the pleasure of success and revel in it. Else, the celebration of success is truly short-lived, temporary. Does this definition of success make you curious? Then read on. 

Consider yourself in these scenarios:

• A 6 yr old comes home carrying a trophy for winning in their school running competition, and the whole house goes berserk about the victory. Everyone says he/she is a born-champion and shows a promising attitude for a bright as an Athlete!
• A 14 yr old brings home a bigger trophy for football (or co-curricular activity for that matter), while he/she is an Average scorer in academics. Now, what would you think the reaction would be at home?
• A 17yr old boy wants to choose Fine arts, Fashion Designing, Literature, or any such ‘soft subject’ as his career path starting with UG, while a 17 yr old girl says she wishes to join the Armed forces, Political science, Mechanical/Automobile Engineering or any such ‘hard subject’ as her career path. Now how would we define success for them?

In all the above scenarios, how do you think the reaction of the family around that child, impact their self-image and their definition of success among other things? What do you think happens to the curiosity quotient (that is found in abundance in their early development years) as the child grows up?

So, do we say the 6yr was successful while the 14yr and 17yr are struggling? 

The dictionary defines success as a measure of succeeding. And to succeed means to turn out well or to attain a desired object or end. Narrowing the scope of this definition to students, we have reduced the measure of success for a student in relation to their rank/order.

For a long time, this is how success has been measured. Yet time and again we have questioned this mode of measuring. Though being on the top gives a momentary feeling of elation and achievement, after a short while, many of them feel a void. Their search for something else begins. Many end up with mental agony, stress because they are unable to understand the reason behind this void and mindless search. The story does not end here. When the world sees the person who has succeeded, they are usually subject to harsh criticism. Success brings with it a level of fame as well and this also adds to the stress for the individual, especially due to the breach in their privacy.

Many successful adults are lost after they reach their set goal (as defined by this world, which they also assumed as theirs). To quote a few examples district / state first rank holders in higher secondary. Toppers of JEEE, University toppers… What happened to them after this achievement? Can we name at least a few of them from past few years? I am sure like me you are shrugging your shoulder! 

I grew up with friends who would parrot their parents’ dream as though it was theirs. 

‘I want to become a Doctor’ or an Engineer… 

The moment I ask the question. ‘Why?’ there would either be a never-ending pause or a spontaneous response ‘That is what is in demand. Once I finish my studies, I will be job-ready, and start earning a five-figure salary and lead a peaceful life.’ (parroted response).

I am sure you are now wondering what I did when my friends were doing this. My goal as a school-going kid was to get into BITS, Pilani. The reason was, of course, partially parroting the elders in my life ‘You will learn to live independently.’ Hostel life was romanticised in my family and I am glad that this was what was romanticised and not the placement figures. When I did get into BITS, I was sent with the advice ‘Learn about self, time, and financial management.’ 

How else can success look like? 

For me, rewards & trophies (extrinsic) were/are never the definition of success. I am not against anyone participating in competitions nor winning certificates of merit/honour. Even today at 40, I participate in competitions, but now it is more to experiment rather than to prove my abilities (to myself/the world). 

Success and failure for me are similar with each giving their own lessons for us to take away. Anu Hasan’s note to self was something I agree to

‘Do not let your success go to your head and your failure to your heart’

Success needs to be responded to with genuine gratitude from the heart, while failure needs to be analysed and lessons learned, using the head. And this is what has been driving my actions. As a child, I was not able to put in words this phenomenon. Now, I am able to, thanks to all the continuous learning that I have done in so many years! I believe that failure is one of the main ingredients for success.

So, this opens the scope of defining success and lets each one of us make a personalised definition of what success means to us. 

I define success for me, as having a purpose, working towards it while continuously evaluating progress learning along the way, being content that I am headed in the right direction towards my goal. Once I reach my goal, I define another purpose and hence another goal to achieve. How do I do this? The key driver is, to be and do better than what I have been and have done so far. 

As my family likes to fondly say, my bar is never a stagnant one. It keeps changing. And I agree, but it changes as per my norms and needs. I also urge my family to do the same and I am happy and content that in my first circle of influence (family) I have been able to bring this mindset shift within each member of my family. It gives me hope that this disturbance that I have created in a still pond as far as mindset is concerned, will have its ripple effect, and hope that someday maybe even create a Tsumani – a major mindset shift, among the future generations. 

This mindset shift will bring an intrinsic view on the success required motivation. It will also eliminate the stress that is currently a package deal with the measure of extrinsically driven success definition. As we say, the comparison now becomes apple with apple (yesterday’s self with today’s self) rather than an apple with orange/tomato/beet! 

This thought as a seed and a few more ideas from other members of my alumni group, resulted in the creation of an amazing panel discussion titled 'The Imperfect Me!', that attempts to discuss these things and more, focusing on developing an individualistic outlook towards life’s challenges and come up with our own mantras for leading a life, that includes positive mental health as well. 

Now that you have read my take/perspective on success/failure, their definitions, and roles, I would love to hear your point of view on success, failure, and associated stress and anxiety to perform and prove!

This post is part of Blogchatter's #CauseAChatter #MentalHealthTalks.