Respect - A Two Way Street

One of the fall outs of this media based gender bias is the power play based on different roles. The narratives on the media create a hyped version of power of one group over the rest based on the content that is being peddled for the purpose. Examples of few such power plays are:

• Parenting - a frenzy around best parenting strategies, what constitutes best parenting, should the child co-sleep or not, should you hold an infant to pacify while upset, to be a stay-at-home-mom or working mom, father the disciplinarian or friend (the same for a mother too), participative parenting vs friendly parenting or any such parenting trend.
• In-laws woes: daughter-in-law or the mother-in-law is the queen of the house, sister-in-law - the influencer of decisions in our home, joint family or nuclear family.
• Boys physically stronger and girls intellectually. Men associated with physical strength (mechanical & civil profiles) and earning potential. Women associated with home based roles & responsibilities and HR & administration related job profiles.

When such biases are projected through the most powerful visual medium, it has a long-lasting impact on shaping one set of people as strong while the other automatically becomes the weaker one.

This leads to toxic expectations of dutiful daughters-in-law and her family to always adjust and submit to the power wielding husband and his family. The society's expectations that the female gender must adjust leads to that gender bearing the various #socialissues metted out against them in silence, like domestic violence, unreported rapes - especially marital rapes. This also leads to early burn out of over stressed and over worked daughters-in-law (professional and homemaker alike) who is trying to meet the high expectations of juggling various responsibilities in her marital home.

On the other side we have the grown men who are caught between wanting to be the supportive spouse for their wives by sharing home responsibilities, but ridiculed for the same by his own family as a Hen-pecked husband. Most ego clashes between married couple are a result of this. How wonderful will it be to see a society where all are deemed equal and there is harmony instead of the struggle to wield power. Harmony doesn't mean lack of power, but it is the existence of power that is equal from all wakes of life. A society filled with self actualized individuals working together towards building a progressive community that appreciates growth and celebrates the differences.

This would, in true sense, be a sign of a matured society in thoughts and action! 

Republished from Momspresso, as they closed down in 2023. I wanted to ensure that the broken links opened to the right article.

Hierarchical or Equal - How do you see the world around?

Recently I attended a gathering and the host suggested that we share our life experiences and how they impacted our family and friends, maybe even our work and community. When it was my turn, I responded "Challenges and choices are what make life. Without either there would be no purpose."

"How do you mean?" said the host.

"Challenges push you to move ahead and overcome it, to succeed and in the process of doing so, you choose which path to follow and what to do overcome the challenge life threw at you!"

"So tell us about who inspires you!"

"I am inspired by everyone around me."

"True, but there must have been one person whom you aspire to be. Isn't it? Someone you think is at a higher place than you which you would like to reach."

That is when I realised that without even a pause I could confidently say that there was no one person like that and I did too. "I really do not aspire to emulate one person. For me, every individual I have met and read about in my life is an inspiration, but they are all peers. Age, race, religion, status, gender or sexual/political inclination was not something that I saw as a hierarchy. For me, these are just attributes associated with a person, not their identities. What differentiates them is their attitude and behaviour and this is something I do try to emulate when I think it is something worth emulating. Even my children can inspire me and I will listen to them if there is a learning in it for me."

I am not sure if I made sense to them or not, and I do not know if this is something that would relate to any of you as well, but I have been this way from the time I can remember. My friends' circle was and still is the most diverse with people from all walks of life, belonging to different age groups and ethnicity. I have always felt that this diversity is what helped shape me into who I am today. This is what inspires me to write as I come across different interesting & inspiring stories from this group of contacts. It has helped me see the world from a different perspective and gives me hope that love and acceptance of what is, can always bring a sea of positive change, that can only benefit the community as a whole.

Some of us enjoy being the privileged lot for reasons that we may not fully comprehend. Let us use this position of privilege to embrace those who aren't so lucky and be the support that we would want if we were to find ourselves in their positions. Drop all the differences and accept everybody as equal - in the true spirit of #EachforEqual, exponentially increasing the happiness quotient in this world!

Republished from Momspresso, as they closed down in 2023. I wanted to ensure that the broken links opened to the right article.

Breaking Gender Stereotypes - Role of Media

We, as a society, tend to excel in passing the blame for bad behaviour or bad influence on someone else rather than look critically at self. Keeping in line with this habit of ours, the easiest soft target seems to be media (any form). We are quick to suggest that media glorifies machoism, heroism, feminism and any other kind of -ims. This is the route cause of chaos in our culture.

Media as well had kept up this image by supporting subtle and sometimes not so subtle, gender stereotyping in the ads, movies and debates. Not so far behind are the product manufacturers and retail business owners who try to cash in on the mindset influence that media has successfully created. We as mad consumers are not so far behind all these.

Let me first list a few examples to make it easier for all of us to be on the same page and understand what I am talking about:

1. The husband and wife jokes where husband bashing or wife bashing was considered fun and applauded. This normalised the aspect of ruthlessly bashing the opposite gender despite the emotional trauma it caused. The justification given used to be, 'Just for fun'. No fun can come at the cost of one or group of individuals' pain!
2. Ads that showed the husband waiting for long hours (not just minutes) before the wife comes down all decked up for function and they leave to the venue only to find it empty, or a wife/mother going crazy at shopping, while the husband waits at the bill counter checking his watch or the child telling that the mother has gone crazy. This is just another form of degrading one gender by saying that they are not time-conscious.
3. Home appliances and grocery ads only feature a lone woman (or a group of women) in the kitchen using the product in focus - a glaring declaration that tells that the kitchen is a woman's fort and no one else is welcome. Not a healthy stereotype. A kitchen is a place where food is prepared, a common need for all genders for survival. By, extension this needs to have the participation of both genders.
4. Kids apparel and toys advertisements showing boys in a blue dress playing in a set up that dominates with blue toys and blue fixtures and girls dressed up in pink, playing with predominantly pink toys, in a pinkish decor indirectly pushed the concept of associating pink to being a girlish colour and blue to being a boy's choice that it is now a norm.
5. Fairness products that started off with saying dark-skinned girls/women needed these products to gain confidence and be successful, thereby insinuating that darkness is a problem and fairness is good. The presence and absence of a pigment - Melanin - is the cause for dark and light skin. Biologically, the melanin pigment is considered to be protective in nature.
6. Subject books in school that define gender roles of family members very clearly indicates that working, driving and buying are Dad's jobs while cooking, caring and cleaning are mother's job. These gender roles are no more reality and need to change.
7. Retail outlets for garments and toys add to this madness by grouping dresses & toys for boys & girls with each one having dominantly the obvious two colours (and related shades) associated with the respective genders. If by chance any parent or child wishes to break the norm, they have to be ready to face the never-ending question (in fact the same content in different forms) of why they chose a colour that is not for their gender!
8. Another irritating fact of retail stores, more specifically for apparels is almost always the dresses, including t-shirts and jeans in the girls/women section are skin tight and a size shorter in length that it will invariably show skin if you are to move your limbs in a free manner thereby saying that a girl/woman needs to be prim and proper if she is to be termed a 'lady'! I thought I was the only one who went to the men's section to buy western wear - t-shirts & jeans, but now my daughter also finds her western wear in the boy's section as it is more comfortable and has colours that she loves.

I can go on and on about how gender stereotyping is so deeply ingrained in our society at various levels and it is going to be a long time before we can break these completely. That said, I am pleased to have come across a few wonderful creators who have slowly but steadily broken these stereotypes. 

We are a long way from making waves in social change with respect to gender norms & stereotypes, but small welcome changes in narratives (in every field) gives hope that we can and will reach there eventually.

As consumers, we can also contribute to pushing this change in the right direction. How you may ask?

1. Stop being a blind mad consumer who believes in the media peddled version of what beauty, confidence and success is all about.
2. Learn and understand what success means to us individually and start defining what our self-image is without being a passive recipient of media's version of an image dependent on our gender or role (another form of stereotyping that has the capability of wrecking havoc in relationships)!
3. Make choices that fit you (not just with retail products even life decisions) and not based on the gender norms. If that means buying pink for a boy/man and blue for a girl/woman, why not?
4. Do not judge when you see someone break the norms & stereotype even if you aren't able to break it yourself. That is your fair share in supporting those working to break these for all of us!

As parents, (a subset of the consumer segment), tell your children to get out of the gender norms by talking to them about conscious personal choice and comfort!

As a community of consumers, when we reject the media-based gender norms and stereotypes and do what is right for us, what is comfortable for us, then there is nothing to stop the change from happening and our children will grow up into sane, practical (logical) adults who are capable of breaking these baseless stereotypes. What do you say co-consumers? Are you ready to do your part in making this world really a place where #EachforEqual is an undeniable reality?

Republished from Momspresso, as they closed down in 2023. I wanted to ensure that the broken links opened to the right article.

The Radiance of a Thousand Suns - Manreet Sodhi Someshwar

A one-liner before I delve deep into this book – I agree with what Gulzar sir has given as a caption for the book ‘Has the radiance of Blood and the Sun’. 

I won this book for posting a comment on an Author live session on Blogchatter – #BlogchatterWritFest – in March 2021. 

While I have read many storylines with a woman as the protagonist (starting with Nancy Drew & Alice in Wonderland, during my school days), this book was completely different to read and connect emotionally as well. In fact, the narrative of the entire masterpiece was so well interwoven from the point of view of different women who had different lived experiences and strong in their own sense of being, to bring about change in the societal narratives, in their own ways. 

I was floored by the author’s take on Violence and Silence in that order while bringing out women-centric narratives on the 1947 partition of India and the 1984 Anti-Sikh riots. Violence always leaves a deep gash not just physically, but also emotionally, that takes probably generations to even become a scar. Healing would take forever, as the grief that violence leaves behind is just too heavy to process and handle any faster. 

In a conversation between a grandmother and a granddaughter (who lost her mother at birth – a story of gross negligence due to misplaced priorities – read the book to know more on this), the grandmother, Biji, talks about a metaphor of all women invisibly pregnant, carrying inside them millions of stories to tell, yet silent and hence yet to deliver. This metaphor was just mind-blowing and so well relatable, especially as chapters unfolded and story after story showed why women chose to remain invisibly pregnant. Even today many of us choose this path for the exact same reasons. Wish it were not so. Reading this book strengthened my resolve to use my voice and writing to break that vicious cycle of pregnant silence and bring out narratives from the point of view of a woman if not for the world, at least to my circle of influence and create a shift in the way things have been traditionally valued and acted upon, some of which are so outdated and devoid of logic. 

The entire book speaks volumes on various coping mechanisms that women have traditionally practiced dealing with violence, trauma, idiocy, and more, of this patriarchally structured society, including memory holes that are so relevant even during the #metoo movement where the trauma of rape, sexual abuse (especially Child Sexual Abuse – CSA) and harassment follows this pattern of a non-event because the society wants to erase the unpleasantness of such occurrences. By making them non-events and not recording them in the narrative of history/news, we, as a society, tend to forget the event completely, a few days (probably months) after its occurrence. This gives rise to invisible people – the unperson – those who were silent sufferers of the traumatic actions meted out by perpetrators (whether it is war or abuse) - one such story is that of Jyot a survivor of both these traumatic incidents. 

I could never relate to the heroic narratives of 1947 and 1984 as part of recorded history, without feeling the pain, suffering, and the feeling of emptiness when the question invariably popped ‘What was the point of all these?’. This book brings to light why I kept feeling that emptiness and why that question kept popping. Despite not being close to the places where these two historic traumatic events happened, it still has a wrenching effect in my gut. I can only imagine how much it must have hurt those who were strongly associated with these events in any form. 

The first few chapters that dealt with the 1947 partition narratives/perspectives, from the point of view of women and girl children were overwhelmingly traumatic to read without breaks. Yet they were descriptive enough for anyone who reads it to see what a woman/girl saw from her point of view. 

This book needs to be read by everyone to understand a woman’s point of view of how it is to be considered as an invisible being or as an object of possession every time a man wanted to prove his superiority! It also would serve well to be reminded that in doing so there is no manliness that is depicted, but only the childish aggression of patriarchy is exhibited, showing how immature the entire concept itself is. Women always bounce back to move on with life irrespective of the bad cards they might be dealt, not by life itself, but by the idiocrasy exhibited in name of patriarchy, religion, caste, gender, race, and more! This proves their high emotional intelligence – either developed by force of situational demands or by design and their ability to heal themselves and the world around them every single time, till it becomes too much for them to bear (the inter-generational trauma - which also is beautifully depicted through the book).

The radiance of the narrative by author Manreet Sodhi Someshwar is blindingly bright to go through all filtered glasses worn. 

This post is part of Blogchatter's #CauseAChatter - #GenderTalks

The Conundrum of the Gendered Glasses

Riya wants to get back to work just a month after her daughter was born. She has been well advised by her gynecologist and pediatrician about what she needs to do for her baby and care for herself when she takes on the additional load of being a working parent in the first year of child care. Her family though supportive of her decision is concerned for her health. She can hear some comments that judge her for making the choice to get back to work that early. She steps into her workplace, she can hear whispers of conversation that she knows is about her being back at work so soon.

"How could she leave a month old baby in someone's care and be here at work so soon?"

"She values career over her child. Poor child. It will grow up aching for its mother!"

Such comments were a couple among many more that judge her of being a bad parent despite the fact that her child is in good and safe hands. Riya's spouse is a consultant and has the flexibility to work at his convenience without any impact on his career or the income. Still, these comments just get passed with no care on how it could affect Riya.

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Mahesh visited his wife and son in the hospital where she delivered, to say bye to her as he was leaving for the USA that evening, on a long term assignment. Vani tried her level best to see if she could defer his travel for a few more months till she and her son could travel with him. Mahesh refused and everyone else, including her own parents, convinced her that her ask for Mahesh to cancel or defer to stay back with her till she was travel-ready wasn't fair. She wondered how he could leave so soon after becoming a father, unfortunately, she was the only one who thought that way!

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Siva has an offer letter from a Fortune500 as a trainee business analyst and can start work once he completes his graduation. He is passionate about Dance & Theater. He is an amazing singer and a scriptwriter. He was a very active member of the Theaters club at his university. He also had applied to a small theater group that was active in his home town, when on campus and has an invitation letter for an appointment to discuss his future with the group! He is afraid that his father would not let him choose the latter despite it being his passion. In addition to passion, he also excels in the skills to succeed in this line of career. His father's dream was for him to join a Fortune company. When he asks for help from his uncle and mother to convince his father to agree to the theater option, both of them deny and in turn tell him that he should take up the corporate offer letter. A career in the fine arts wasn't easy and that he would face a lot of hardships. A very upset Siva sat down to write an apology mail for not being able to make it to the meeting with the theater group as it was the same day of his joining at the corporate firm!

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Nila wanted to serve the nation by being part of the National Defence. The instant she told this decision to her family, she was met with vehement denial citing various reasons some of which even hurt her self-image and questioned her capabilities. Her family in unison said that a career in defence was not for girls and that she should choose options like homemaking, nutrition & dietetics, beautician and such, that were well suited for girls to pursue as a profession. No amount of discussion could change her family's opinion and she was forced to take up Psychology as her choice of graduation.

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Each of these snippets above is an example of how gender norms and stereotyping adds to the stress of being judged or forced to choosing something that isn't their own! 

The first two snippets show the difference in the way people treat the life choices made by individuals based on their gender and the associated gender norms. A father leaving a newborn for work-related reasons is not even discussed but a mother choosing to go back to work very soon after childbirth is judged for making that choice. In fact, Vani is judged for asking her husband to postpone the work travel so that he can be with her and his son.  

The right to make a choice is basic irrespective of gender. Whether a man decides to take up the role of a househusband or pursue a career in gynecology or beauty, it is his personal choice to make based on his interest and ability. Similarly, if a woman wishes to become a biker, war journalist, or heavyweight champion, it is her choice to make. Gender and gender norms should not interfere with this process. The freedom to decide what they wish to do with their lives must be theirs to make despite their gender.

The above was a creation for the tagged challenge #EachForEqual #6Blogsin6Days blogs on Momspresso in March 2020, just before lockdown. There were 5 more written in the same theme which you can read (for now) here:

Breaking Stereotypes as Parents (Proud Mommy Moment)

Breaking Stereotypes - Role of Media

Respect - A Two Way Street   

Homemaker or Professional Parents    

Hierarchical or Equal - How do you see the World around?

My Perspectives on “Shakuntala Devi” by Anu Menon

Even while being locked inside the home during this unprecedented Covid19 lockdown, I managed to see the movie Shakuntala Devi by Anu Menon – an Amazon Prime exclusive release, only recently. One word to summarize the movie is ‘Awesome’. The life story of the ‘Human Computer’ has been given a focus from humanising her as a Mother and a self-made Entrepreneur and the angle of mental health of the woman, from the viewpoint of her daughter.

Every dialogue, every incident, and every personal struggle that unfolded in this genius’ life has been well captured - in the choice of words used for dialogues, narration, or enacting by lead characters.

The dialogues that I related very well with

'हर माँ बुरी माँ होती है ।' (Har Maa Buri Maa Hoti Hai) – ‘Every mother is a bad mother’ - A statement that Anu’s (Daughter of Shakuntala Devi) mother-in-law tells Anu when she self criticizes her inability to put her own daughter to sleep and is torn from within, due hormonal, psychological & physiological mess that pregnancy, delivery, perinatal care leaves a mother in. Even my daughter who watched this movie had a reaction to this sequence of dialogues – She asked me with eyes popping out ‘So do you really spoil us either way?’

'मैंने अपने माँ को सिर्फ एक माँ के रूप में देखा, उसे एक औरत के नज़रिये से देखा ही नहीं!' (Meine apne maa ko sirf ek maa ke roop mein dheka, use ek aurath ke nazariye se dheka hi nahi) – ‘I never understood my Mom as a woman and only looked at her as a mother’. This line at the end of the movie summarises the hate and anger that almost every daughter has towards her mother while growing up and vows to never become like her mother (very few idolise their mother during their teenage).

These two statements break the circle of toxicity that surrounds a woman due to the socio-cultural expectations of a woman and a mother. The movie very beautifully unfolds by trying to highlight this inner battle that every woman goes through in her life trying to be who she is and trying to fit herself in the mold of who she should be. It tugs at my heartstring every time the insecurity of having to choose responsibility above passion, in the fear of losing a battle – a battle more within me rather than with any external factor.

How complex have we made the society with gender-based norms and clichés, that anything we discuss always seems like going in circles, with seemingly no end, unless we break it with self-reflection and realisation!

Another line that I loved was the one by Tarabai (Sheeba Chadda), 'एक लड़की जो अपनी मन की  सुनती है और दिल खोल के हस्ती है, मर्द के लिए उससे डरावना क्या हो सकता है?' (Ek ladki jo apni man ki sunti hai aur dil khol ke hasti hai, mardo ke liye usse daravana kya ho sakta hai?) – A girl who follows her heart, laughs loudly with no inhibitions, is already a reason to be scared in the perspective of men. The free spirit of wanting to enjoy life and live in the moment is well brought out by the most talented Vidhya Balan (as Shakunthala Devi) and also by Sanya Malhotra (as Anupama).

But the best dialogue that brings out the prevalent sexism, that is not only there in India but worldwide, is the dialogue between young Shakuntala and her sister

Shakuntala’s sister: एक दिन तू भी बहुत बड़ी आदमी बनेगी। (Ek din tu bhi bahut badi aadmi banegi - One day you will become a great man).

Shakuntala: आदमी क्यों बनूँगी? (Aadmi kyun banungi? - Why will I become a man?)

Shakuntala’s sister: बड़ी औरत बनूँगी थोड़ी कुछ है? (Badi aurat banungi thodi kuch hota hai? - There is no term like great woman)

Shakuntala: फिर तो मैं बड़ी औरत ही बनूँगी! (Fir toh main badi aurat hi banungi! - Then I will surely become a great woman)

This also showed the grit, determination, and fearless nature of young Shakuntala who would grow up to challenge this world and its (gender) norms!

For me, this movie showed how a young girl child grows up to be a successful woman known worldwide, despite the personal struggles that she has at every stage, not just with the society but with herself being torn between who she should be and who she is. Despite this struggle and many setbacks, she is able to stay true to her words 'मैं कभी नहीं हारति, always remember that!' (Main kabhi nahi haarti always remember that! - I never fail, always remember that). This attitude to never give up is what always gives her the strength to pull herself out of any situation, even the emotional mess that she herself creates for her and her loved ones. This also allows her to accept ‘What is’ before finding the ‘What next’, even if it means accepting the slew of charges that her daughter (through the hired lawyer) files against her in a criminal case against her own mother! It turns out that this was as a result of another one of the dramatical steps taken by Shakuntala (who owns up to the dramatical nature of Indians earlier in the movie) to get in touch with her daughter, who refuses to even answer phone calls from her mother’s secretary.

The movie also very nicely captures the nurturing side of men in the charaterisation of Javier (Shakuntala’s mentor, who develops a liking for her and as per Shakuntala her lover as she professes when he leaves her, as he feels that she does not need him anymore), Paritosh Banerji (Shakuntala’s husband who gives a very beautiful definition for loving his wife – ‘To love Shakuntala is to Let her go’ breaking the stereotype of a controlling patriarchal male figure), and Amit Sadh (Anupama’s husband. The lovely banter that goes back-and-forth between this young couple and how at every juncture he is characterised as a supportive husband who tells her to deal with her internal struggles with herself, her parents and his parents instead of jumping on him or any other unsuspecting person, who unknowingly becomes a trigger for her unresolved issues to surface).

By the end of the movie, I was in tears mainly because of how beautifully the message on the importance of addressing one’s mental trauma, especially childhood trauma with one’s own parents was highlighted. When this is not addressed, it can have a huge impact on the child’s self-image and self-worth during their lifetime! Nothing or no one can satiate the thirst of this child to be someone unless this early trauma is addressed!

Makes me very happy that such movies and messages can be part of commercialised cinema as well so that it reaches the masses. Added pride is that I am a part of the proud alumni network as the director of the movie!

Note to the movie crew: I saw this movie on a weekday evening around 5 p.m. My son (9 yrs old) saw half the movie and then went out to play with his friends. When it was dinner time and I was in the kitchen, my son was convincing my daughter (13 yrs old) to watch this movie as their dinner-time movie. His pitch was ‘Oh this is a movie about a girl who is a Math genius and can find cube roots faster than a computer’ and they start watching. My daughter tells me when I come out to join them with my dinner plate, ‘I have been smiling ear-to-ear while watching the movie so far and I do not know why I am smiling. She (Shakuntala) is trying so hard (to prove herself).’

Thank you team Shakuntala for engaging children from different age groups and gender with a riveting storyline and screenplay. I had to create a logical break for them to stick to their weekday routine for bed so that they wake up well rested for the online school the next morning. They came back to the movie to complete watching it the next day evening after school!

Gratitude: I am very grateful that this movie has brought to life the internal struggles of people who do not fit the norm of society, not just Shakuntala or Anupama, but also in the form of their supportive and understanding husbands. It enables the discussion on perception and the resulting stress that a person goes through due to perceived notions (real or hypothetical, self-directed or external). It also brings to light the power of looking within to break the cycle of toxicity by accepting ‘What is’ and then addressing ‘What can be done’ to bring contentment in one’s life!

If I have to dissect the aspects of this gratitude then I will have to elaborately speak on every frame of this movie that seems to bring out layers of human nature, emotions, perception and the behaviour that these emotions & perception result in, based on the circumstances at a particular instance of an individual’s life. Doing that level of analysis will result in my writing a book (and not an article about the movie) on life philosophies that are deeply rooted in behavioural science fundamentals!

As an end note, I would like to leave you all with this food for thought: The good, bad, ugly and nasty emotions, and ensuing behaviour are all part of each and every one of us. This movie very beautifully brought that aspect of human nature to light by seamlessly bringing this in every character (central or otherwise) of the plot. Highly recommended watch.

Tackling Gender Disparity: A Third Eye Perspective & Role of Emerging Mothers!

This is a topic that has been very close to my heart. As I grow older, the perspective that I had about this global issue and its origin kept changing. Until recently, like most of my peers, my views always inclined towards blaming society / cultural differences at large and the offenders (mostly men !). There comes a point in our life when we start seeing things differently. One of my uncles, defines reaching adulthood as a stage, where one is capable enough to take full responsibility for his/her actions and the things that happen in their life, make the required course corrections and move forward from there on. Personally, I am thankful to have come from a family where such gender differentiation was almost non-existent and we were free to share different viewpoints and pursue our dreams, without being challenged on your gender.

So do I view this gender disparity only in an "Indian" context or issues in the under-developed or developing nations? Thanks to the extensive globe-trotting (not just as a tourist but having lived  in US and Europe), I can quite confidently say and see that, such gender disparity is there every where. Of course, the origin, degree of manifestation and how each country copes with this topic may vary. Fundamentally, it is this gender disparity that is the underlying reason for most of the violent crimes we read in the media every day! 

Let me start with the classic Indian scenarios (as I have spent significant part of my life here, which shaped most of my thought process) - gender discrimination starts very early - right from the time when a married woman is expecting her child. There a lot of speculation about the sex of the unborn child. The difference comes when the family comes to know that it is not a boy! To avoid discrimination even before birth and to ensure safe birth of the child and the safety of the mother, there is a law in place in India that you cannot determine the sex of the child when you go for ultrasound test. So who endangers this girl even before she is born? Who is more happy to prefer a male child? If your guess was the expectant Father, or the Grandfather or any other male members of the family that creates this bias, then let me tell you, that is usually not the case. In 90% of the cases, it would be the expectant Grandmother (and in some cases even the mother herself), who feels that bringing up a girl is a huge responsibility and insecurity, where as having a boy is a sign of pride!

When you visit their homes, typically, when they introduce their male child they are very proud where as that pride vanishes to nothing (or sometimes changes to fear or some other such negative reaction) when they introduce their female child. As the children grow older, the mothers tell their daughters that they need to learn how to be good daughters (e.g.by cleaning up after their family meals), to be good sisters (e.g. by tolerating all the tantrums by their brothers), to be good daughter-in-laws (e.g. by not going against the wishes or decisions of their in-laws even if they may not be right), to be a good wife (e.g. by always agreeing with their husbands views and be resilient to any abuses), by being a good mother (e.g. by giving birth to a boy who will carry the family name to the next generation). In all this, they forget to tell their sons how to be a good son, brother, son-in-law, husband, and father. 

When a girl wants to choose a career of being a pilot, armed forces, mechanical, construction, and such kinds of profession, they are told that it is a man's job and that they should try to stick to "softer" careers like teaching, home science or simple administrative functions. When we buy toys there are boy toys and girl toys. For example, trucks and Lego are not for girls and Barbie and tea sets are not for a boy. Who makes such baseless rules in toys? My Boy loves Barbie movies and loves to play pretend tea party with his sister. My girl loves planes and cars to play with her brother and enjoys seeing Toy Story and wants to be a cow girl like Jesse and loves constructing buildings with Lego. When a boy cries, we tell him do not cry like a girl! Who said crying is only a girl thing? Anyone has the right to let tears out when the pain (emotional or physical) is intolerable and they want to let it out in less violent manner than head banging or smashing something down or hurting themselves or others around them. And who is the first one to make such discrimination in the early years of the child?

Similarly, if a man is jobless, then he is unfit to even be called a man. This creates undue pressure on boys (especially in their final year of college) to secure a job offer (at least one) before the final semester ends. They are stressed out if they do not get selected in the first few companies that come for campus recruitment. Whereas a girl with a similar qualification but jobless is considered ready for marriage and not even given a chance to pursue other opportunities or higher studies (especially outside their hometown). 

Not only this, it is un-manly to do house hold chores. Men who help their wives with the house hold chores are called by various nick names one of which is "Hen Pecked" - (Joru ka gulam in Hindi and Pondaati Daasan in Tamil). And who do you think tells this? In most cases, it is the mother of the boy and the other ladies of the house! But the same men can help their mothers with the house hold chores. There is nothing wrong in that. They are just being a very faithful son. How can the same activity be right in one instance and wrong in the other? When a woman handles the finances of the house, deals with monthly payments, is more than willing to handle strangers or government officials when they come at the door step instead of turning them away saying their husband or father is not home so they should come at another time, is being too brash and dominating. She disrespects the man of the house. Really?

In India, I see most mothers sending very confusing messages to their children and setting a very bad example. This will only to lead to confused adults, who never take responsibility for their actions and always keep searching for someone or something to blame for the mistakes. These individuals potentially commit such violent crimes.

Now, with so much of discrimination that the child has seen from birth till the age of 25 or so, what kind of reaction do you expect when you talk about the perils faced by women in the society? What answer can you expect from a man who grew up in such a discriminating environment when you ask him about the safety of lone women in world outside? His only answer would be she has to remain indoors. Outdoor job is a man's job! In similar lines, he would only blame a woman for being a victim of gender crimes especially rape. 

Outside India, these stories are no different and statistics spread on the Internet can support this fact. Even in all developed countries, sexual violence (especially rape) is the most "under-reported" violent crime. How many of us know that rapes in developed countries like USA is 5 times that of India, when the population of America is 1/4th of India? In terms of ranking, countries with highest registered rape crime includes USA, South Africa, Sweden, India and guess what, the European countries incl. UK, Germany and France! More stories from United Nations on "International Statistics on Crime and Justice". 

Not just rape, most cases of violence (including honor killing, suicide cases...) that we see are a result of this disparity instilled in early years. Punishing the (wo)man who commits the act of violence is not the only step forward to eradicating this evil. Instead a paradigm shift in the thought process of every man and women is the need of the hour. This solution can easily be achieved in one generation - by the young and to-be Mothers across the globe. If we as Mothers can stop ourselves for a minute when our DNA induced reaction kicks in (which is to differentiate) and constantly keep reminding ourselves not to differentiate between our boy and girl child, teach both of them at par on how to be good human beings (not just a good man or woman), not set different standards of right and wrong, not have different DOs and DON'Ts, then we can remove the unwanted stress that we thrust upon them to be an ideal man or woman. We remove the gender disparity that creates stress and is the root cause of most cases of violence. We just create a common baseline which is to be model citizen/human being who is considerate of their fellow human beings, irrespective of gender, caste, creed, religion, nation, skin color, economic status ...(will the list ever end?)

Recently, the hue and cry to ban a documentary, that might in all truthfulness reveal this gender disparity that is so deep rooted in our culture, which is the real reason for such derogatory thoughts on women and various acts of violence and intolerance towards each other, shows how much we do not want to face the reality and would love living in a pseudo-contentment that our culture is the best in the world! Our culture was probably the best a long long time ago. Now we have a very confused view about lots of things due to our addiction to media and western (or should I say foreign) glam. Maybe it is time to step back and take a critical look at what we are all about and start changing for the better.

I am not sure how much of a change on online petition can bring about, but there is no harm in trying.. Those who think it is time to face reality and move ahead to create a change in our mindset, you can sign the below petition requesting to remove the ban on screening the documentary in India.

Reverse the ban on BBC's documentary 'India's Daughter' and allow it to be screened in the country.

In fact, if what the people are protesting for the ban think is true, that this is a ploy to defame the country, banning it in India is not going to stop the defamation, it will only keep the Indians in the dark about what the documentary is all about. Instead, viewing it might influence our mentality in a positive way for change. Let us first understand what we are against. As an old Tamil saying implies a cat with its eyes closed always wonders why the world is dark- meaning, being ignorant of the facts only harms you, not the world around you!