Respect - A Two Way Street

One of the fall outs of this media based gender bias is the power play based on different roles. The narratives on the media create a hyped version of power of one group over the rest based on the content that is being peddled for the purpose. Examples of few such power plays are:

• Parenting - a frenzy around best parenting strategies, what constitutes best parenting, should the child co-sleep or not, should you hold an infant to pacify while upset, to be a stay-at-home-mom or working mom, father the disciplinarian or friend (the same for a mother too), participative parenting vs friendly parenting or any such parenting trend.
• In-laws woes: daughter-in-law or the mother-in-law is the queen of the house, sister-in-law - the influencer of decisions in our home, joint family or nuclear family.
• Boys physically stronger and girls intellectually. Men associated with physical strength (mechanical & civil profiles) and earning potential. Women associated with home based roles & responsibilities and HR & administration related job profiles.

When such biases are projected through the most powerful visual medium, it has a long-lasting impact on shaping one set of people as strong while the other automatically becomes the weaker one.

This leads to toxic expectations of dutiful daughters-in-law and her family to always adjust and submit to the power wielding husband and his family. The society's expectations that the female gender must adjust leads to that gender bearing the various #socialissues metted out against them in silence, like domestic violence, unreported rapes - especially marital rapes. This also leads to early burn out of over stressed and over worked daughters-in-law (professional and homemaker alike) who is trying to meet the high expectations of juggling various responsibilities in her marital home.

On the other side we have the grown men who are caught between wanting to be the supportive spouse for their wives by sharing home responsibilities, but ridiculed for the same by his own family as a Hen-pecked husband. Most ego clashes between married couple are a result of this. How wonderful will it be to see a society where all are deemed equal and there is harmony instead of the struggle to wield power. Harmony doesn't mean lack of power, but it is the existence of power that is equal from all wakes of life. A society filled with self actualized individuals working together towards building a progressive community that appreciates growth and celebrates the differences.

This would, in true sense, be a sign of a matured society in thoughts and action! 

Republished from Momspresso, as they closed down in 2023. I wanted to ensure that the broken links opened to the right article.

Hierarchical or Equal - How do you see the world around?

Recently I attended a gathering and the host suggested that we share our life experiences and how they impacted our family and friends, maybe even our work and community. When it was my turn, I responded "Challenges and choices are what make life. Without either there would be no purpose."

"How do you mean?" said the host.

"Challenges push you to move ahead and overcome it, to succeed and in the process of doing so, you choose which path to follow and what to do overcome the challenge life threw at you!"

"So tell us about who inspires you!"

"I am inspired by everyone around me."

"True, but there must have been one person whom you aspire to be. Isn't it? Someone you think is at a higher place than you which you would like to reach."

That is when I realised that without even a pause I could confidently say that there was no one person like that and I did too. "I really do not aspire to emulate one person. For me, every individual I have met and read about in my life is an inspiration, but they are all peers. Age, race, religion, status, gender or sexual/political inclination was not something that I saw as a hierarchy. For me, these are just attributes associated with a person, not their identities. What differentiates them is their attitude and behaviour and this is something I do try to emulate when I think it is something worth emulating. Even my children can inspire me and I will listen to them if there is a learning in it for me."

I am not sure if I made sense to them or not, and I do not know if this is something that would relate to any of you as well, but I have been this way from the time I can remember. My friends' circle was and still is the most diverse with people from all walks of life, belonging to different age groups and ethnicity. I have always felt that this diversity is what helped shape me into who I am today. This is what inspires me to write as I come across different interesting & inspiring stories from this group of contacts. It has helped me see the world from a different perspective and gives me hope that love and acceptance of what is, can always bring a sea of positive change, that can only benefit the community as a whole.

Some of us enjoy being the privileged lot for reasons that we may not fully comprehend. Let us use this position of privilege to embrace those who aren't so lucky and be the support that we would want if we were to find ourselves in their positions. Drop all the differences and accept everybody as equal - in the true spirit of #EachforEqual, exponentially increasing the happiness quotient in this world!

Republished from Momspresso, as they closed down in 2023. I wanted to ensure that the broken links opened to the right article.

Breaking Gender Stereotypes - Role of Media

We, as a society, tend to excel in passing the blame for bad behaviour or bad influence on someone else rather than look critically at self. Keeping in line with this habit of ours, the easiest soft target seems to be media (any form). We are quick to suggest that media glorifies machoism, heroism, feminism and any other kind of -ims. This is the route cause of chaos in our culture.

Media as well had kept up this image by supporting subtle and sometimes not so subtle, gender stereotyping in the ads, movies and debates. Not so far behind are the product manufacturers and retail business owners who try to cash in on the mindset influence that media has successfully created. We as mad consumers are not so far behind all these.

Let me first list a few examples to make it easier for all of us to be on the same page and understand what I am talking about:

1. The husband and wife jokes where husband bashing or wife bashing was considered fun and applauded. This normalised the aspect of ruthlessly bashing the opposite gender despite the emotional trauma it caused. The justification given used to be, 'Just for fun'. No fun can come at the cost of one or group of individuals' pain!
2. Ads that showed the husband waiting for long hours (not just minutes) before the wife comes down all decked up for function and they leave to the venue only to find it empty, or a wife/mother going crazy at shopping, while the husband waits at the bill counter checking his watch or the child telling that the mother has gone crazy. This is just another form of degrading one gender by saying that they are not time-conscious.
3. Home appliances and grocery ads only feature a lone woman (or a group of women) in the kitchen using the product in focus - a glaring declaration that tells that the kitchen is a woman's fort and no one else is welcome. Not a healthy stereotype. A kitchen is a place where food is prepared, a common need for all genders for survival. By, extension this needs to have the participation of both genders.
4. Kids apparel and toys advertisements showing boys in a blue dress playing in a set up that dominates with blue toys and blue fixtures and girls dressed up in pink, playing with predominantly pink toys, in a pinkish decor indirectly pushed the concept of associating pink to being a girlish colour and blue to being a boy's choice that it is now a norm.
5. Fairness products that started off with saying dark-skinned girls/women needed these products to gain confidence and be successful, thereby insinuating that darkness is a problem and fairness is good. The presence and absence of a pigment - Melanin - is the cause for dark and light skin. Biologically, the melanin pigment is considered to be protective in nature.
6. Subject books in school that define gender roles of family members very clearly indicates that working, driving and buying are Dad's jobs while cooking, caring and cleaning are mother's job. These gender roles are no more reality and need to change.
7. Retail outlets for garments and toys add to this madness by grouping dresses & toys for boys & girls with each one having dominantly the obvious two colours (and related shades) associated with the respective genders. If by chance any parent or child wishes to break the norm, they have to be ready to face the never-ending question (in fact the same content in different forms) of why they chose a colour that is not for their gender!
8. Another irritating fact of retail stores, more specifically for apparels is almost always the dresses, including t-shirts and jeans in the girls/women section are skin tight and a size shorter in length that it will invariably show skin if you are to move your limbs in a free manner thereby saying that a girl/woman needs to be prim and proper if she is to be termed a 'lady'! I thought I was the only one who went to the men's section to buy western wear - t-shirts & jeans, but now my daughter also finds her western wear in the boy's section as it is more comfortable and has colours that she loves.

I can go on and on about how gender stereotyping is so deeply ingrained in our society at various levels and it is going to be a long time before we can break these completely. That said, I am pleased to have come across a few wonderful creators who have slowly but steadily broken these stereotypes. 

We are a long way from making waves in social change with respect to gender norms & stereotypes, but small welcome changes in narratives (in every field) gives hope that we can and will reach there eventually.

As consumers, we can also contribute to pushing this change in the right direction. How you may ask?

1. Stop being a blind mad consumer who believes in the media peddled version of what beauty, confidence and success is all about.
2. Learn and understand what success means to us individually and start defining what our self-image is without being a passive recipient of media's version of an image dependent on our gender or role (another form of stereotyping that has the capability of wrecking havoc in relationships)!
3. Make choices that fit you (not just with retail products even life decisions) and not based on the gender norms. If that means buying pink for a boy/man and blue for a girl/woman, why not?
4. Do not judge when you see someone break the norms & stereotype even if you aren't able to break it yourself. That is your fair share in supporting those working to break these for all of us!

As parents, (a subset of the consumer segment), tell your children to get out of the gender norms by talking to them about conscious personal choice and comfort!

As a community of consumers, when we reject the media-based gender norms and stereotypes and do what is right for us, what is comfortable for us, then there is nothing to stop the change from happening and our children will grow up into sane, practical (logical) adults who are capable of breaking these baseless stereotypes. What do you say co-consumers? Are you ready to do your part in making this world really a place where #EachforEqual is an undeniable reality?

Republished from Momspresso, as they closed down in 2023. I wanted to ensure that the broken links opened to the right article.

Breaking Stereotypes As Parents - Gender Neutral Children

This is an event that happened a few years back when we were living outside India. Children were having their Spring break. My then 8 year old daughter and 4 yer old son, were busy with "pretend play" - their favourite filler game in those days.

This day the inspiration for their pretend play, were their parents (Mommy & Daddy) - us. Here is a snippet from that pretend play:

My daughter pretends to be her Daddy, puts on Daddy's coat, scarf, hat, and bag, ready to step out of the home for office. Seeing this my son wants to pretend play as well. Now that Daddy's role is taken, he decides to be Mommy. So he requests his sister to dress him up (which she dutifully does) with my coat, hat, and a grocery shopping bag.

A weekday conversation is enacted.

Daddy (my daughter): I am ready to leave for office. Bye. See you in the evening.

Mommy (my son): Take care and have a nice day.

Now for the weekend conversation that they are privy to at home.

Mommy (my son dressed up as his mom): I am leaving for shopping. Will be back soon.

A few seconds later, Mommy is back from shopping.

Mommy: Look, how many fruits I have bought! Daddy (My daughter dressed up as her father): Oh... Let me help you carry the heavy bags. (Hands a glass of water) Sit down and rest. I will handle the cooking and take of the kids.

I was grinning from ear to ear bursting with pride. If I need to still spell it out loud, here are the various stereotypes that we broke for them as parents:

• My children without batting an eyelid decided to enact the opposite gender's role in their pretend play. Okay, I can hear many of you say, this nothing great a girl always loves her father while the son's favourite is his mother.
• They enacted snippets where the traditional roles of shopping and cooking were interchangeably assumed by either of us. This breaks the idea that the kitchen is a woman's world while the cool outdoor shopping is a man's job (a stereotyped role that is still seen in some of the school and casual reading books for children).
• Serving water (drinks), hosting, and cooking is as much a man's job as it is a woman's.
• My daughter loves blue and my son loves purple. Black is a favourite for both of them. (might be a very simple thing but the point here is they do not go crazy about any colour being a boy or a girl colour. They understand that all colours can be for anyone and everyone!)

At an age when they can form deep connections to what they see around them, we managed to give them these lessons, which I am happy that we did.

My daughter is a middle schooler now while my son is in primary school. They do not conform to the traditional gender norms of the society. My son can equally enjoy Barbie and go crazy for the Avengers series, play Roblox and paint, sing and learn martial art, cry when upset and comfort when someone else is upset without having to so much as utter a word explaining why or how they are upset, be brave to stop his friends from doing things that don't feel right.

My daughter can gush over an anime teenage romance, get excited about How to train your Dragon Netflix Series, appreciate the confidence of Elsa, Anna & Merida, aspire to be like Mulan, and logically discuss about certain obvious loopholes in the screenplay of the movies that we watch as family including Harry Potter, Disney animation movies, Tamil movies starring Vijay, VJS, Rajini, Jothika, Nayanthara, Suriya & Karthi. She thinks Jothika is cool because of her recent movies like 36 Vayathinile, Jackpot, Raatchasi (her recent favourite - one that she watches almost every fortnight on Amazon Prime or is it Netflix - I forget) My son loves cooking and keeps asking to help when he can. Recently, I am almost always surprised by the level headed logical approach that my daughter takes to make decisions pertaining to her higher studies and extra-curricular activities. They are uncomfortable when they hear gender-specific statements (that are so normal in our society). Some examples of what kind of statements that make them uncomfortable are:

• Stitching is a girl activity. Fixing things are for boys. (My daughter says stitching is also a form of fixing, so shouldn't everyone learn it?)
• Cry like a girl - My son says that people cry when they are upset. Why only girls can cry and not boys. I also get hurt when my friends call me names and do not stop even after I tell them that it hurts.

I know they will grow up to be fine level headed adults who can impact this society positively by their way of life and the value systems they are now building for themselves!

I think it is time for gender-biased (specific) roles to be replaced by gender-neutral roles and policies everywhere. This will restore the respect each one deserves instead of the shame that seems to associated with certain natural behaviours, emotions and roles.

Would you agree with me or do you have a different take on this? Would love to hear your opinions on the blog or the existing gender bias or probable solutions to implement to achieve gender neutrality from home!

Republished from Momspresso, as they closed down in 2023. I wanted to ensure that the broken links opened to the right article.

The incident describe in the initial part of this article is from another post of mine here - Proud Mommy Moment

Lockdown Chaos: Coping Mechanisms for the Primary Caregivers (Part 2 of 2)

If you would like to read the part 1 the Lockdown Chaos: Coping Mechanisms for the Primary Caregivers (Part 1 of 2), follow the link. 

“No health without mental health” – Surgeon General David Satcher

Here are a few coping mechanisms I practice for my personal mental wellbeing (most involve a mindset shift from what we have been conditioned, a reframing of sorts)

1. Learn to Pause: We are conditioned to believe that we must always be engaged and contributing something. Doing nothing, is not equivalent to wasting precious time. Sometimes we need that pause of doing nothing to rejuvenate ourselves and our overworked mental and physical system. Even a supercomputer needs to be shutdown to keep it working well for long.
   
   
2. Read Different Genres: I enjoy reading (anything). I love to explore different genres and different authors. I may not read to the extent of quoting the author with the phrase or passage, but now we have the luxury or searching for the same before we share it on the digital platforms. I love to read to explore unexplored territories to widen my thoughts and diversify my thinking pattern.
   
   
3. Create Something From Scratch: I love counted cross stitch and writing. My go-to comforter is one of these two and I am always pulled into it so deeply that the needed distance from whatever is bothering my mental wellbeing is automatically created. This enables me to clearly look into it from afar and then find a way to tackle it to bring back my mental peace. The last year+ saw the conceptualisation of a memoire book on my father-in-law. What started as a digitisation effort of his written work from more than 3-4 decades ago, as it progressed the book had snippets from significant people about him and his positive influence in their lives. The process of conceptualising and shaping such a creation kept me grounded during the pandemic times stuck indoors. The coordination of getting input from people living in different parts of the state and compiling it to a complete book was cathartic. Seeing the book published and released on 31st August 2021 (on his 75th Birth anniversary) in his memory gave a sense of accomplishment.
   
   
   
   
   The whole effort also seemed like a cathartic closure for the family dealing with the grief of his passing (a decade ago). In 2019, I did a similar effort of compiling the devotional songs of my paternal grandmother in a book format to be given as memorabilia for the family on her first death anniversary.

   
   
4. A Good Sleep: Earlier I used to think that sleeping without solving a fight or a problem is not good for the relationship or self. Now I have come to realise that ‘sleep over a problem’ was told by someone who knew what they meant. When you sleep your body and mind are well rested. Sometimes your dreams could be a way of finding innovative, interesting, and simple solutions to the problem that you had before you slept. There have been extensive studies on this. Here are a couple of articles that has scientific data to support this need.
• Do Women Need More Sleep Than Men?
• FACT or FICTION: Do women need more sleep than men?
  
  
5. Pick your Partner-in-crime’s brain: This could be anyone from your sibling, spouse, cousin, friend, work colleague, parent, teacher, or a counsellor who is a good listener and ideator, who understands inclusivity and knows to compassionately look at things from your point of view and then come up with perspectives that would make us think differently from what we had assumed. I read somewhere a quote on assumption – When you ‘assume’ you make an Ass of U and Me. This stuck with me forever. Now, every single time I move into the zone of assuming that I know what goes in someone else’s mind or what they might be feeling, this quote pops into my head and there ends my assumptions. I find that it is easier to clarify what we are thinking to be true or not by openly paraphrasing it without being judgmental when we articulate our thoughts. Doing so also helps in enriching the said relationship and increases our personal score on the integrity index!
   
   
6. Free yourselves from expectations: Everyone has expectations – we from others and others from us. Yet many of us want and wish to be free of it. This takes conscious effort, but it is worth the effort. When you free yourself from expectations, there are no disappointments. Here is something that can help you see how expectations are formed. When you are able to see that, you will figure out your own way to break free of it.
   
   

   

   My 100 word story first published on Momspresso

   
   
7. Solocation: Try going on a solocation, when possible. It really does wonders to self-care. Sometime in March I decided to go on a solocation, just to get away from the daily churn of things and came back after a relaxed couple of days and much more happier than how I left. My family also seemed to have benefited from my 2 days of absence.
   
   
8. Seek Professional Support: While the above do help, there might be instances where they may not be enough. In such situations, there is always an option to seek professional help through personal/relationship/parenting counselling as the need is and ensure that your (above) efforts also have a backing of the scientific process that would fit your lifestyle, temperament, family & individual needs, and abilities. Make sure that you are seeking the right kind of professional support and not just getting some random advice from friendly neighbour, family member, or well-wisher who might not completely understand all the variables that need to be addressed in a specific manner for you and your loved ones to benefit from the same. 

Were(Are) you a primary caregiver & have similar or other coping mechanisms? Would love to hear about it from you.

This blog is part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter challenge - #GenderTalks and #MentalHealthTalks.

Lockdown Chaos: Disparities for the Primary Caregivers (Part 1 of 2)

One year after the first announcement of lockdown in India, I wrote a post on Momspresso on the topic I am not okay as a weekly challenge prompt. While writing that blog was cathartic, the constant changes due to the COVID restrictions, the new variants of the virus, the uncertainty of this pandemic lifestyle comes back to haunt us a lot. In these uncertain times, when schools went online, and work came into my home, I lost my personal space & “Me-time” routines. 

As an EdTech & Life Skills Consultant, I worked from home for the most part of my work engagements, yet there was a routine to it. I would finish my work, when my family was away from home in school and office respectively. In fact, I would also squeeze in some self-care routines daily to keep my cool when the family returned home in the evening. In the last year+ my routines have gone for a toss including the family chores.

The lack of routines, private space, and time for the primary caregiver (home maker) has also brought with it the focus on imbalanced division of labour within the home. While the home is everyone’s responsibility, most of the daily chores such as the upkeep of the house, inventory management & maintenance, bringing edible food to the table, catering to the never-ending snack requests of bored family members who do not understand or realise what goes into getting a quick bite-snack ready-to-consume leaves very little time for the primary caregiver for self-care and personal time. If this primary caregiver is also a part-time or full-time working person, then there is absolutely no time for anything else other than crossing out the to-do list from morning when they are awake till the time their body shuts down in exhaustion in the night. Add to this the fiasco of online school and the emotional toll that it has taken on the child’s psych and development. Not all schools and teachers are even partially trained to handle the nuances of online school along with the socio-emotional parameters that need to be given special care in this modality. 

Even in the so-called progressive homes where we celebrated equal participation, the pandemic showed that it really wasn’t the case. There was still quite a lot of imbalances where the primary care giver is implicitly expected to be the one to do the following:

• Plan & Provide for Breakfast, Lunch, & Dinner and the odd snacks: Includes working with available resources inside home when there was strict lockdown, plan for refilling the dwindling supplies in the kitchen stock and be prepared for those uninformed requests of odd hour snacks because you couldn’t order in during the strict lockdown periods. This has a secondary problem of additional work of pots and pans being used, cleaned, and stored appropriately. There were days when domestic support was unavailable, and the family wasn’t even aware that they had to pitch in till either they were told or in some cases the caregiver had an emotional breakdown to bring to the attention of the family that (s)he needed help.
• Teaching Assistant (TA): The unwritten expectation of being the TA even outside the lockdown was there, but the lockdown saw the primary caregiver huff and puff and juggle with the available time at hand to ensure that the child(ren) sat through the online class, did their homework and class works (that were usually done in school and hence was never on the caregiver responsibility plate), projects – specifically group projects follow up on WhatsApp and hangouts, revision before the continuous year-long assessments, and fill in for the lack of understanding that they have due to not being able follow the class due to internet connectivity and clarity on a regular basis. If an educated stay-at-home-parent finds this difficult, then we can only imagine the plight an un(der)educated parent or an educated-working-parent would have been through.
• Routines: They are always there for a very good reason. You know what to expect and hence you can plan for contingencies. This way even the rare case where something that wasn’t anticipated happens, we are able to cope. Pandemic saw to it that all routines went out the door when the entire family started staying indoors. Everyday was a new day, new pattern, and hence new adaptation. Change management usually has a peak (when emotions are at a high), lull (when we start questioning the purpose of the change), and a plateau (when we enjoy the new norm while we prepare ourselves) before the next change that is around the corner comes upon us. Unfortunately, pandemic did not give us this luxury. There were only peak after peak that leads to exhaustion due to emotional overdose. Even those who were emotional intelligence or mindfulness practitioners, the pandemic induced anxiety & uncertainty caught up with them, pushing almost everyone into a collective burn out.
• Emotional Numbness: The loss of job, finances, lifestyle, routines, lives of loved ones and otherwise, was too much that there has been a collective numbing of emotions in dealing with the grief that these loses usually trigger. Added to this was the inability to follow through with the mourning rituals due to the COVID restrictions. In the process of following the SMS protocols, despite the availability of technology to stay connected, the personal touch that is paramount in dealing with grief was missing. The losses also were quite sudden which rendered those affected by it in a state of shock. Without the support system and the rituals of handling grief most moved from shock to numbing of emotions as they did not know what else to do. The grief was either suppressed or repressed and we know what happens when either of the routes are taken without handling grief as it should be.
• Domestic Violence, Child Marriage & Child Labour: In some cases, with the entire family stuck indoors and no reprieve to reach for support there has been an increase in the cases of domestic violence. Loss of income and rise of expenses ended up in many getting their underage children to go to work or to get them married off (mostly girls). 

These are just some of them among many such deviations from what we knew life as usual. 

While I enumerate the problems that contribute to the disruption of mental wellbeing of self and the family, what can we as individuals do to ensure our mental safety and that of our families in that order. You can never pour from an empty cup, which means the first need is to ensure our own mental and physical wellbeing. Will elaborate them in the coping mechanisms I benefitted from, in the second part. 

Were you a primary caregiver & have similar or other experiences? Would love to hear about it from you.

This blog is part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter challenge - #GenderTalks and #MentalHealthTalks. Incidentally, this is also my 100^th blog.

You might also enjoy reading

• The Conundrum of the Gendered Glasses
• To Work or not to Work? A Stay-At-Home-Mom's Perspective

The Conundrum of the Gendered Glasses

Riya wants to get back to work just a month after her daughter was born. She has been well advised by her gynecologist and pediatrician about what she needs to do for her baby and care for herself when she takes on the additional load of being a working parent in the first year of child care. Her family though supportive of her decision is concerned for her health. She can hear some comments that judge her for making the choice to get back to work that early. She steps into her workplace, she can hear whispers of conversation that she knows is about her being back at work so soon.

"How could she leave a month old baby in someone's care and be here at work so soon?"

"She values career over her child. Poor child. It will grow up aching for its mother!"

Such comments were a couple among many more that judge her of being a bad parent despite the fact that her child is in good and safe hands. Riya's spouse is a consultant and has the flexibility to work at his convenience without any impact on his career or the income. Still, these comments just get passed with no care on how it could affect Riya.

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Mahesh visited his wife and son in the hospital where she delivered, to say bye to her as he was leaving for the USA that evening, on a long term assignment. Vani tried her level best to see if she could defer his travel for a few more months till she and her son could travel with him. Mahesh refused and everyone else, including her own parents, convinced her that her ask for Mahesh to cancel or defer to stay back with her till she was travel-ready wasn't fair. She wondered how he could leave so soon after becoming a father, unfortunately, she was the only one who thought that way!

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Siva has an offer letter from a Fortune500 as a trainee business analyst and can start work once he completes his graduation. He is passionate about Dance & Theater. He is an amazing singer and a scriptwriter. He was a very active member of the Theaters club at his university. He also had applied to a small theater group that was active in his home town, when on campus and has an invitation letter for an appointment to discuss his future with the group! He is afraid that his father would not let him choose the latter despite it being his passion. In addition to passion, he also excels in the skills to succeed in this line of career. His father's dream was for him to join a Fortune company. When he asks for help from his uncle and mother to convince his father to agree to the theater option, both of them deny and in turn tell him that he should take up the corporate offer letter. A career in the fine arts wasn't easy and that he would face a lot of hardships. A very upset Siva sat down to write an apology mail for not being able to make it to the meeting with the theater group as it was the same day of his joining at the corporate firm!

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Nila wanted to serve the nation by being part of the National Defence. The instant she told this decision to her family, she was met with vehement denial citing various reasons some of which even hurt her self-image and questioned her capabilities. Her family in unison said that a career in defence was not for girls and that she should choose options like homemaking, nutrition & dietetics, beautician and such, that were well suited for girls to pursue as a profession. No amount of discussion could change her family's opinion and she was forced to take up Psychology as her choice of graduation.

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Each of these snippets above is an example of how gender norms and stereotyping adds to the stress of being judged or forced to choosing something that isn't their own! 

The first two snippets show the difference in the way people treat the life choices made by individuals based on their gender and the associated gender norms. A father leaving a newborn for work-related reasons is not even discussed but a mother choosing to go back to work very soon after childbirth is judged for making that choice. In fact, Vani is judged for asking her husband to postpone the work travel so that he can be with her and his son.  

The right to make a choice is basic irrespective of gender. Whether a man decides to take up the role of a househusband or pursue a career in gynecology or beauty, it is his personal choice to make based on his interest and ability. Similarly, if a woman wishes to become a biker, war journalist, or heavyweight champion, it is her choice to make. Gender and gender norms should not interfere with this process. The freedom to decide what they wish to do with their lives must be theirs to make despite their gender.

The above was a creation for the tagged challenge #EachForEqual #6Blogsin6Days blogs on Momspresso in March 2020, just before lockdown. There were 5 more written in the same theme which you can read (for now) here:

Breaking Stereotypes as Parents (Proud Mommy Moment)

Breaking Stereotypes - Role of Media

Respect - A Two Way Street   

Homemaker or Professional Parents    

Hierarchical or Equal - How do you see the World around?

Tackling Gender Disparity: A Third Eye Perspective & Role of Emerging Mothers!

This is a topic that has been very close to my heart. As I grow older, the perspective that I had about this global issue and its origin kept changing. Until recently, like most of my peers, my views always inclined towards blaming society / cultural differences at large and the offenders (mostly men !). There comes a point in our life when we start seeing things differently. One of my uncles, defines reaching adulthood as a stage, where one is capable enough to take full responsibility for his/her actions and the things that happen in their life, make the required course corrections and move forward from there on. Personally, I am thankful to have come from a family where such gender differentiation was almost non-existent and we were free to share different viewpoints and pursue our dreams, without being challenged on your gender.

So do I view this gender disparity only in an "Indian" context or issues in the under-developed or developing nations? Thanks to the extensive globe-trotting (not just as a tourist but having lived  in US and Europe), I can quite confidently say and see that, such gender disparity is there every where. Of course, the origin, degree of manifestation and how each country copes with this topic may vary. Fundamentally, it is this gender disparity that is the underlying reason for most of the violent crimes we read in the media every day! 

Let me start with the classic Indian scenarios (as I have spent significant part of my life here, which shaped most of my thought process) - gender discrimination starts very early - right from the time when a married woman is expecting her child. There a lot of speculation about the sex of the unborn child. The difference comes when the family comes to know that it is not a boy! To avoid discrimination even before birth and to ensure safe birth of the child and the safety of the mother, there is a law in place in India that you cannot determine the sex of the child when you go for ultrasound test. So who endangers this girl even before she is born? Who is more happy to prefer a male child? If your guess was the expectant Father, or the Grandfather or any other male members of the family that creates this bias, then let me tell you, that is usually not the case. In 90% of the cases, it would be the expectant Grandmother (and in some cases even the mother herself), who feels that bringing up a girl is a huge responsibility and insecurity, where as having a boy is a sign of pride!

When you visit their homes, typically, when they introduce their male child they are very proud where as that pride vanishes to nothing (or sometimes changes to fear or some other such negative reaction) when they introduce their female child. As the children grow older, the mothers tell their daughters that they need to learn how to be good daughters (e.g.by cleaning up after their family meals), to be good sisters (e.g. by tolerating all the tantrums by their brothers), to be good daughter-in-laws (e.g. by not going against the wishes or decisions of their in-laws even if they may not be right), to be a good wife (e.g. by always agreeing with their husbands views and be resilient to any abuses), by being a good mother (e.g. by giving birth to a boy who will carry the family name to the next generation). In all this, they forget to tell their sons how to be a good son, brother, son-in-law, husband, and father. 

When a girl wants to choose a career of being a pilot, armed forces, mechanical, construction, and such kinds of profession, they are told that it is a man's job and that they should try to stick to "softer" careers like teaching, home science or simple administrative functions. When we buy toys there are boy toys and girl toys. For example, trucks and Lego are not for girls and Barbie and tea sets are not for a boy. Who makes such baseless rules in toys? My Boy loves Barbie movies and loves to play pretend tea party with his sister. My girl loves planes and cars to play with her brother and enjoys seeing Toy Story and wants to be a cow girl like Jesse and loves constructing buildings with Lego. When a boy cries, we tell him do not cry like a girl! Who said crying is only a girl thing? Anyone has the right to let tears out when the pain (emotional or physical) is intolerable and they want to let it out in less violent manner than head banging or smashing something down or hurting themselves or others around them. And who is the first one to make such discrimination in the early years of the child?

Similarly, if a man is jobless, then he is unfit to even be called a man. This creates undue pressure on boys (especially in their final year of college) to secure a job offer (at least one) before the final semester ends. They are stressed out if they do not get selected in the first few companies that come for campus recruitment. Whereas a girl with a similar qualification but jobless is considered ready for marriage and not even given a chance to pursue other opportunities or higher studies (especially outside their hometown). 

Not only this, it is un-manly to do house hold chores. Men who help their wives with the house hold chores are called by various nick names one of which is "Hen Pecked" - (Joru ka gulam in Hindi and Pondaati Daasan in Tamil). And who do you think tells this? In most cases, it is the mother of the boy and the other ladies of the house! But the same men can help their mothers with the house hold chores. There is nothing wrong in that. They are just being a very faithful son. How can the same activity be right in one instance and wrong in the other? When a woman handles the finances of the house, deals with monthly payments, is more than willing to handle strangers or government officials when they come at the door step instead of turning them away saying their husband or father is not home so they should come at another time, is being too brash and dominating. She disrespects the man of the house. Really?

In India, I see most mothers sending very confusing messages to their children and setting a very bad example. This will only to lead to confused adults, who never take responsibility for their actions and always keep searching for someone or something to blame for the mistakes. These individuals potentially commit such violent crimes.

Now, with so much of discrimination that the child has seen from birth till the age of 25 or so, what kind of reaction do you expect when you talk about the perils faced by women in the society? What answer can you expect from a man who grew up in such a discriminating environment when you ask him about the safety of lone women in world outside? His only answer would be she has to remain indoors. Outdoor job is a man's job! In similar lines, he would only blame a woman for being a victim of gender crimes especially rape. 

Outside India, these stories are no different and statistics spread on the Internet can support this fact. Even in all developed countries, sexual violence (especially rape) is the most "under-reported" violent crime. How many of us know that rapes in developed countries like USA is 5 times that of India, when the population of America is 1/4th of India? In terms of ranking, countries with highest registered rape crime includes USA, South Africa, Sweden, India and guess what, the European countries incl. UK, Germany and France! More stories from United Nations on "International Statistics on Crime and Justice". 

Not just rape, most cases of violence (including honor killing, suicide cases...) that we see are a result of this disparity instilled in early years. Punishing the (wo)man who commits the act of violence is not the only step forward to eradicating this evil. Instead a paradigm shift in the thought process of every man and women is the need of the hour. This solution can easily be achieved in one generation - by the young and to-be Mothers across the globe. If we as Mothers can stop ourselves for a minute when our DNA induced reaction kicks in (which is to differentiate) and constantly keep reminding ourselves not to differentiate between our boy and girl child, teach both of them at par on how to be good human beings (not just a good man or woman), not set different standards of right and wrong, not have different DOs and DON'Ts, then we can remove the unwanted stress that we thrust upon them to be an ideal man or woman. We remove the gender disparity that creates stress and is the root cause of most cases of violence. We just create a common baseline which is to be model citizen/human being who is considerate of their fellow human beings, irrespective of gender, caste, creed, religion, nation, skin color, economic status ...(will the list ever end?)

Recently, the hue and cry to ban a documentary, that might in all truthfulness reveal this gender disparity that is so deep rooted in our culture, which is the real reason for such derogatory thoughts on women and various acts of violence and intolerance towards each other, shows how much we do not want to face the reality and would love living in a pseudo-contentment that our culture is the best in the world! Our culture was probably the best a long long time ago. Now we have a very confused view about lots of things due to our addiction to media and western (or should I say foreign) glam. Maybe it is time to step back and take a critical look at what we are all about and start changing for the better.

I am not sure how much of a change on online petition can bring about, but there is no harm in trying.. Those who think it is time to face reality and move ahead to create a change in our mindset, you can sign the below petition requesting to remove the ban on screening the documentary in India.

Reverse the ban on BBC's documentary 'India's Daughter' and allow it to be screened in the country.

In fact, if what the people are protesting for the ban think is true, that this is a ploy to defame the country, banning it in India is not going to stop the defamation, it will only keep the Indians in the dark about what the documentary is all about. Instead, viewing it might influence our mentality in a positive way for change. Let us first understand what we are against. As an old Tamil saying implies a cat with its eyes closed always wonders why the world is dark- meaning, being ignorant of the facts only harms you, not the world around you!