I Am Not OKAY As Well!

Originally written and published for a prompt on Momspresso platform (which shut down in 2023. Hence creating this article here to address a broken link on this blog)

Since the outbreak of COVID19 virus, the knot feeling in my stomach has become a permanent feature. As a practice, I do not share my thoughts that seem like a rant, till I have processed my emotions completely and am able to address what is the trigger, and how to deal with it to ensure my mental peace and that of my family too. That way, the post I put out there does not add to the overwhelming negativity that is already there in abundance but adds some value either with life lessons that I learned from the exercise or tips on how to deal with such situations, some helpful practical takeaways to those who land up on my page.

The first lockdown in India was in March 2020 and many suffered. I was among the privileged who could afford to stay home, choose to stop following the TV news channels that callously reported in a way to increase the channel TRP rather than focus on empathy and compassion, or project the way to address the issue that they were highlighting. I was grateful that I and my family could hole up indoors till we need our food to be restocked once a week.

The news of migrant workers moving on foot, their images showing their suffering along the way was quite disturbing and painful. I am sure it had the power to even move an unempathetic person into action. With mindfulness as a way of life for me, this incident pushed me to a more conscious zone where my choices were driven with even more care and concern to bring minimalism as a way of life. Giving back to the community also was a part of my everyday life and this only made this resolve to give back with gratitude even stronger, not because we could, but because we should. As part of this resolve, I decided to share my life lessons beyond my family through my writing on various platforms, as well as through a life skills colloquium for teens and young adults. Yet, this did not help to release this “knot feeling” in my stomach.

The First Covid wave peaked and fell. The lockdown lifted and people were back to their old normal. This “knot feeling” became even more profound and uncomfortable. My younger one decided that the mask wasn’t needed anymore when he went to the community playground and thus started my everyday tug of war with him on the importance of COVID protocols. This war did not seem to have an end in sight.

That is when I started hearing statements like:

‘We Indians were immunologically stronger’

‘Humaare DNA mein hi Corona ko baghane ka dum hai’

‘Heat in India can kill us all, then what chance does this virus stand?’

‘Our natural herbs give us natural immunity boosts. No Corona can affect us’

And thus, overconfidence sowed the downfall of all of us. Public behaviour was at its worst. People did not want schools and colleges to open, but they freely moved in throngs to shopping malls, movie theaters, tourist spots, temples, and big political rallies and social events, breaking COVID protocols – no masks and no social distancing and with their children. Starting this January, we had hoards of religious gatherings, political rallies, family functions that were kept on hold for one year in full effect with thousands of people standing and sitting so close that even wind could not have passed, leave alone the virus. Yet, you kept hearing that COVID safety measures were undertaken. The hypocrisy of following double standards of collecting fine for breaking COVID protocols from people who commute to work every day, while letting thousands and lakhs of people throng in one place where you can evidently notice that protocols cannot be followed at all wasn’t lost on many of us.

Online classes for students kept happening as usual as though this is something here to stay. WFH was celebrated as an innovation that helped reduce asset costs for companies. What many failed to notice was, home stopped being a place to unwind and spend quality time with family. It is now a nook office, an online school, and a browsing centre. These lines of differentiation completely vanished. We now started hearing new terminologies like Zoom fatigue, lockdown fatigue, and emotional numbing. Mental health garnered newfound attention.

Vacationing and visiting family & friends started off again as though there was no 2020. The explanation given was to overcome these fatigues, start a new normal by embracing to live with COVID19 as it is here to stay. Vaccine availability gave new hope and along with it a sense of lethargy that we have won COVID. Geographical boundaries that were temporarily closed were opened again with a bit of restriction in place.

That is when all hell broke loose. The second wave that was happening somewhere else in the world now started rearing its head here close to home. Disturbing images of COVID deaths were no more in some distant part of the world, it was very near, just around the corner. What was statistics, now became a name. The blame game began.

While I do not deny the accountability and responsibility of the government in better implementation of COVID protocols and preparation for the second wave when they had the time to do so, the individual responsibility of a common person is not even spoken about.

The recent news of two doctors hitting each other was quite unnerving. The newsreader claimed that this was due to exhaustion which is possible. They have been on the edge since last year. If not for their efforts, we all wouldn’t be able to even have the little bit of hope that there is someone to care for us if we get sick. And what do we do in return, put ourselves in harm's way and increase their load multiple times that they succumb to stress, anxiety, and eventually to COVID and are there no more! Yet, we have the audacity to question the integrity of the doctors but would not speak of our contribution in putting ourselves in harm’s way by participating in the super spreader events.

Picture Curtesy: Canva Template

Oh… my tummy “knot feeling” was having a field day. It decided that it would like to explore the rest of my anatomy as well. My body pain, headache, and a queasy feeling in the stomach were a constant, most days. All my coping mechanisms to deal with emotional ups & downs, anxiety, and stress now only provide temporary relief. I wish I could lock myself in a dark cave where nothing else can exist but, me and myself.

In these uncertain times, no one person can provide a solution or give an answer to this difficult problem that we all are facing. It has to be a collective effort. Unfortunately, we are either busy actively attending to the sick or shouting activism and spreading hate & angst.

No therapy or counselling might be enough. Even mindfulness practices may not be able to help. Mass numbness as a phenomenon is there. Grieving for the departed or the affected isn’t happening at all either because of the sheer number of people who are getting affected or dying, or fear and shock have immobilised other emotions. Even when the thought of those who lost their lives comes, we consciously push it away fearing our personal emotional breakdown.

We fail to realise that such feelings have a way of catching up unawares. Some are crying and breaking down but are not sure why while some do know the reason. And there are some like me who end up ranting all that is going through in their head – another form of breakdown.

Why am I calling all that I have put here as a rant? Because I have no probable solution or comforting words to give to anyone reading (as I usually believe in giving through my writings). I can only hope that somewhere in this rant I have made enough sense for people to take away these things (and maybe more):

• Find your own method to process emotions.
• Be cognizant and do your best not to be part of the problem.
• Try to see if you can be part of the solution, or at least do what you can even if it means staying indoors if you are privileged enough to be able to do that.
• Be available for your loved one. Technology has made it easy to stay in touch. Make a 5-minute call and speak about nothing or everything or just listen to them vent or you vent out.

It is okay if you are not okay.

It is okay to want to have some downtime. Take a few days off from whatever work/routine you are having. Nothing else is more important than your mental peace and your safety.

I am not okay, and I need my downtime and I am taking it. I have slowed down. I am not bothered anymore about strict routines, adhering to deadlines if they are stressing me out to the brink of palpitations. I have a couple of notebooks to write what comes to my mind. I have become a learner, learning a new language. I am also a facilitator sharing my knowledge, hopeful that in this collaborative effort someone somewhere might come up with a resolution for this pandemic that seems to become worse every time we think we have a read on it.

If you are also not okay, please do acknowledge it. Speak to someone close to you. Call a therapist, counselor, a helpline…. Speak out your mind, vent out, unburden your heaviness to start fresh and tackle what still lies ahead of us.

I first wrote all this down in my notebook from 8-8:45 this morning (And yes I still use a pen and notebook – my favourite mode to write). Coincidence or call it divine intervention, Momspresso comes up with a topic ‘I am not okay’ for today’s challenge, and here I am sharing what I wrote, for all of you to read. Raw with no filters and no clear discerning direction.