Recently, had an interesting conversation with my first born (FB), who is in 6th grade.
It all started when I picked her up after school. All the children were running out of the school lobby, with bright smiling faces. My FB came out with a long face and said she had something she wanted to talk when we reached home. This statement had me worrying and I had to ask her, “Can you give me a gist of what it is about?”.
She drops a bombshell that she kind of has started hating specific subject class, as the teacher was being unfair. So I asked her, “What do you mean unfair?”
She starts her detailed explanation with the statement that the teacher says that “the boys in our class are better than the girls” and she never tells us what we need to do to improve our submitted work, so that next time we can do better. All she says is, “This isn’t up to the expectations and I can’t tell you what you need to do better”.
The feminist mother in me immediately reacts with, “What the hell? How can a teacher in a position of responsibility, make such a biased and unfair statement?”, but thankfully I was sane enough to keep my mouth shut and told my daughter that we would continue the discussion once we reach home.
We come home, I dispense my SAHM duties of giving my children their evening drink and snacks, catch up on my WhatsApp messages and then asked her, “So, now tell me what were you talking about in school about the class you did not like?”
So she starts off with her narrative again and this time with some additional information.
“Amma, we had a few group projects we had to do as part of our class work and the teacher put us in groups of 4 comprising of all girls or all boys group. Every time we finish our class work project, we are marked and today the teacher said that that in our class the boys seem to be more creative than the girls. She always gave them high marks and we got 4/10.”
I had to struggle to curtail my instantaneous reaction to want to cajole my child and say she was the best and find out the whole thing before I jumped to any conclusion. “Did you ask your teacher why you were marked so low and what could be done better for your work be termed better?”
“Yes. We did.”
“So what was her answer?”
“She said she couldn’t tell that but just that we had to improve on our creativity, presentation and catchiness”.
I was a bit annoyed that this would be the answer that a teacher would give a child studying in 6th grade. But then, my trust in the schooling system and the faith that the world around you is the best teacher and whatever happens, always happens for a reason, kicked in. So I proceeded to prod further.
“Okay… So are you allowed to check out each others’ work after it is marked?”
“Yes, Amma.”
“So did you check the work of the group that was given more marks than you?”
“Yes.”
“What did you think of their work? According to you, did you think that their work was worthy enough of getting more than you or was it like yours or bad?”
“It was better than ours.”
“Okay. Now I am confused. If it was better than yours, then why do you think that your teacher was unfair to mark them more than you.”
“If you put it like that…. But she told that the boys were way better than the girls. That was hurtful.”
Now, slowly the problem surfaces. So I ask, “Okay I agree that such a blanket statement could have been avoided, but the world is unfair in making such stereotypical judgemental statements. So we do not have a choice but to deal with it. And in this case, it was a factual statement, though a bit harshly put. Is that the only reason you are hurt or is there more to it? Did someone tell you that your teacher was being unfair?”
“Yes, my friends said that this teacher is always partial with the boys and that in all the classes she goes, she says these kinds of statements.”
“Let us now stop with this thought process and focus on facts. Do you feel or have your experienced first hand that this teacher acts partially in her approach or do you think she was just making a factual observation as far as your class is concerned?”
After a couple seconds of thought, she answers, “She was making a factual observation.”
“Does she always make such stereotypical remarks in the last few months you have been attending her class, or was it just the first time she made this statement and that too after the work was evaluated and the statement was justified by the work displayed?”
“This is the first time…” Her face breaks out in a smile and all her frustration, disappointment and hurt vanishes. “Thank you for helping me see clearly. Next time I will try harder.”
“If you still think the teacher was wrong and unfair, I can come and talk to her about it.”
“No Amma, I was wrong. I started thinking she was unfair because all my friends were saying so and I believed that and became kind of biased. I couldn’t see it as clearly as this. How do you do it Amma?”
“Very simple. Next time before you get angry or frustrated about something or someone, evaluate the entire situation with just the facts, rather than the opinions of others. What I did now was only help you see through the facts and filter out the opinions. Once you have done this, and you still think that the anger or frustration is justified, then work towards finding the way to remove that anger/frustration and fix it once and for all. Sometimes it might not be that simple and you might just have to let it go with no fix… In such cases, take your time to vent out the frustration in a constructive way and then move on.”
“Love you Amma. Now I can go and do my homework peacefully.”
I smiled and thanked my mother to have given me this kind of practical thinking and a sense of “detached attachment” to be able to see the big picture before I jump to conclusions. So my question to all you parents are, do you instantly jump to comfort your child when they are frustrated or complaining OR do you help your child analyse the situation, and arrive at a practical conclusion to help them out of their frustrated mood?
Note: Originally published by me and featured in Momspresso (Showcased as "Article of the Month" for October 2018) as Are You Actually A Knee-Jerk Parent? .
It all started when I picked her up after school. All the children were running out of the school lobby, with bright smiling faces. My FB came out with a long face and said she had something she wanted to talk when we reached home. This statement had me worrying and I had to ask her, “Can you give me a gist of what it is about?”.
She drops a bombshell that she kind of has started hating specific subject class, as the teacher was being unfair. So I asked her, “What do you mean unfair?”
She starts her detailed explanation with the statement that the teacher says that “the boys in our class are better than the girls” and she never tells us what we need to do to improve our submitted work, so that next time we can do better. All she says is, “This isn’t up to the expectations and I can’t tell you what you need to do better”.
The feminist mother in me immediately reacts with, “What the hell? How can a teacher in a position of responsibility, make such a biased and unfair statement?”, but thankfully I was sane enough to keep my mouth shut and told my daughter that we would continue the discussion once we reach home.
We come home, I dispense my SAHM duties of giving my children their evening drink and snacks, catch up on my WhatsApp messages and then asked her, “So, now tell me what were you talking about in school about the class you did not like?”
So she starts off with her narrative again and this time with some additional information.
“Amma, we had a few group projects we had to do as part of our class work and the teacher put us in groups of 4 comprising of all girls or all boys group. Every time we finish our class work project, we are marked and today the teacher said that that in our class the boys seem to be more creative than the girls. She always gave them high marks and we got 4/10.”
I had to struggle to curtail my instantaneous reaction to want to cajole my child and say she was the best and find out the whole thing before I jumped to any conclusion. “Did you ask your teacher why you were marked so low and what could be done better for your work be termed better?”
“Yes. We did.”
“So what was her answer?”
“She said she couldn’t tell that but just that we had to improve on our creativity, presentation and catchiness”.
I was a bit annoyed that this would be the answer that a teacher would give a child studying in 6th grade. But then, my trust in the schooling system and the faith that the world around you is the best teacher and whatever happens, always happens for a reason, kicked in. So I proceeded to prod further.
“Okay… So are you allowed to check out each others’ work after it is marked?”
“Yes, Amma.”
“So did you check the work of the group that was given more marks than you?”
“Yes.”
“What did you think of their work? According to you, did you think that their work was worthy enough of getting more than you or was it like yours or bad?”
“It was better than ours.”
“Okay. Now I am confused. If it was better than yours, then why do you think that your teacher was unfair to mark them more than you.”
“If you put it like that…. But she told that the boys were way better than the girls. That was hurtful.”
Now, slowly the problem surfaces. So I ask, “Okay I agree that such a blanket statement could have been avoided, but the world is unfair in making such stereotypical judgemental statements. So we do not have a choice but to deal with it. And in this case, it was a factual statement, though a bit harshly put. Is that the only reason you are hurt or is there more to it? Did someone tell you that your teacher was being unfair?”
“Yes, my friends said that this teacher is always partial with the boys and that in all the classes she goes, she says these kinds of statements.”
“Let us now stop with this thought process and focus on facts. Do you feel or have your experienced first hand that this teacher acts partially in her approach or do you think she was just making a factual observation as far as your class is concerned?”
After a couple seconds of thought, she answers, “She was making a factual observation.”
“Does she always make such stereotypical remarks in the last few months you have been attending her class, or was it just the first time she made this statement and that too after the work was evaluated and the statement was justified by the work displayed?”
“This is the first time…” Her face breaks out in a smile and all her frustration, disappointment and hurt vanishes. “Thank you for helping me see clearly. Next time I will try harder.”
“If you still think the teacher was wrong and unfair, I can come and talk to her about it.”
“No Amma, I was wrong. I started thinking she was unfair because all my friends were saying so and I believed that and became kind of biased. I couldn’t see it as clearly as this. How do you do it Amma?”
“Very simple. Next time before you get angry or frustrated about something or someone, evaluate the entire situation with just the facts, rather than the opinions of others. What I did now was only help you see through the facts and filter out the opinions. Once you have done this, and you still think that the anger or frustration is justified, then work towards finding the way to remove that anger/frustration and fix it once and for all. Sometimes it might not be that simple and you might just have to let it go with no fix… In such cases, take your time to vent out the frustration in a constructive way and then move on.”
“Love you Amma. Now I can go and do my homework peacefully.”
I smiled and thanked my mother to have given me this kind of practical thinking and a sense of “detached attachment” to be able to see the big picture before I jump to conclusions. So my question to all you parents are, do you instantly jump to comfort your child when they are frustrated or complaining OR do you help your child analyse the situation, and arrive at a practical conclusion to help them out of their frustrated mood?
Note: Originally published by me and featured in Momspresso (Showcased as "Article of the Month" for October 2018) as Are You Actually A Knee-Jerk Parent? .
Yes we always should evaluate the situation as an outsider before we react
ReplyDeleteOf course.
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