Pandemic and Family Wellbeing

Last year, 2021, I signed up for #CauseAChatter, when I was told by Team Blogchatter that most of my blogs submitted under blogrolls qualify for the same. I stuck with the programme all through the year. Come 2022, January brought with it some great changes and some not so great ones as well. The first great thing was the certificate for being part of the CauseAChatter for 2021.

I have been offered a job in a start-up overseeing their HR operations, which is a huge thing for someone who has had a very non-traditional career path. I also decided that I wanted to pursue Masters (Post Graduation) now, 2+ decades after I completed my undergraduate studies. I was really hoping that the COVID situation will ease out with some semblance of normalcy returning into our lives.

Unfortunately, Omicron seemed to have a different idea altogether. Slowly cases are rising which has brought online schools back in full force. Even the glimmer hope that a form asking parental consent on sending older children to regular offline school just got squashed. 2+ years of online school, work from home (WFH) alternating between with and without domestic help, based on the circumstances, have had their toll on my mental health.

I was curious to know if I was the only one facing burnout and talked to some friends and found that many were going through a similar phase. It got me thinking. Here are some things that I deduced from my discussions with peers and friends on what contributes to this burnout:

• Stunted Social Life: Restricted movements and the social distancing protocols of COVID appropriate behaviour leaves us all stuck indoors with just our family, and a few friends/neighbours who live close by our place. This is even more so when we are not in a financially privileged position to hire a private transport from our place to someone else’s place far from home.
• Stunted Vacations: Vacations are the time to unwind. Irrespective of ones’ financial prowess, we would have one family vacation at least every 2 years away from our place of residence to enjoy the few days of change of routines or the lack of it, excitement of exploring a new place (small village or huge city), or just a change of scenery to break the monotony of life. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been possible for obvious reasons.
• Virtual Workplaces: While there are benefits of virtual workspaces that help in keeping the continuity of work and by extension, business, and economics, it is still not an option for all. Also, the virtual workspace, I think is stunted as well, especially with respect to human interactions as it lacks the decorum that an actual workplace can provide.
• Stunted Learning for Children: Children thrive with social interactions that involve all their senses. Online learning has them glued to the screens and a chair with no friend close by to snicker or bicker. The attention span that was already very low, to begin with has become almost negligible due to the monotony of the online classrooms.
• Lack of personal time and space for primary care givers: For homemakers like me who hustle between homemaker and consultant/businesswomen at our convenience (read when the rest of the family is out and about, away from home), the pandemic lifestyle has been the toughest, catering to the demands of the family bringing order among the chaos that COVID brought into the daily routines by completely throwing it off track. Despite the repeated reassurance given by experts that the pandemic will soon move into the endemic mode, the light at the end of the tunnel is still not visible, especially considering the lack of change in human behaviour that is exhibited by leaders and common people alike.

Usually, when I write, I like to make sure that I also give a few pointers on how to address the issue at hand. While I do know I can give some, for the above-stated problem too, I am not sure they are enough to address the problem of burnout that people like me (Indian women, who are the unopposed primary caregivers with no choice to play the role of a secondary caregiver) are going through. And this burnout is not restricted to just people like me. It has affected every individual irrespective of age, gender, economic status and other such associated identifiers. The online space is also not safe enough to discuss our issues and vulnerabilities without a troll or a few dropping in and adding to our already overflowing basket of woes. With such a bleak picture, a deep sigh escapes me more often than usual and I find myself wishing fervently for the end to be near, for everyone's sake.

The need for safe spaces for everyone to be able to share their vulnerabilities, pain points, and frustrations has become a priority. Unfortunately, as a race, we humans have still, not even taken the first step to understanding ourselves and the biases that drive our behaviours and life choices. We are a long way from creating such safe spaces for healthy sharing and the probable start of beneficial discussions that can initiate a change.

I believe that miracles are a result of small intentional actions that would eventually drive a tsunami-like shift in our behavioural patterns, that feels like a miracle. Let us all together pledge to do our share of small intentional actions such as being self-aware, observing what is happening around us, and acting when we see someone in need of a break at least when they ask for it, shifting our focus from excellence to consistent progress (even is student performance – as parents and educators), and more.

Do share your thoughts on what other small intentional actions can bring about the tsunami-like wave that looks like a miracle?

This blog is part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter challenge, #MentalHealth, #Discrimination, #AccessToEducation.

My strides with a Great Humanitarian

I fondly remember my Grandfather telling me ‘There is no war that love can’t win!’ during my early childhood. He always said “love trumps all” and I grew up seeing him walk his talk. Anytime I hear the word Humanity or Humanitarianism, he is the first person who flashes in front of my eyes. Humanity is non-existent without the feeling & expressing the all-encompassing emotion of love. In 1995, his death showed me the true power of leading life as a humanitarian. His death ceremony saw countless people from every corner of Tamil Nadu, travel in-person to Chennai, to pay their last respects to the family. Every memory they shared had one common thread about his humanitarian touch, that benefited the person or their family in their time of dire needs. In his life (and his death), he showed me the importance of being humane and placing love, humanity, dignity, and respect above all else. 

His words and actions had a huge impact on my childhood development and still have a huge role to play as an adult. As I have said in my earlier article about him, he is one of my role models, who I aspire to be like and strive to be so every day.

These early childhood lessons have stayed with me and fuelled my passion for behavioural science and the curiosity of ‘why people do what they do’ started taking shape. I realised that what he said about humanity, dignity and mutual respect was the basis for removing all the suffering that we go through in our life. Underneath all our yearnings, these are the core needs that drive us to do everything to belong somewhere and have an identity that will be looked upon with respect and be celebrated. Unfortunately, we fail to realise that we are looking for it in the wrong places. 

These principles as the foundation, my actions always centre towards understanding perspectives of people (including my own – I am my own critique as I look inwards a lot), the underlying belief systems that drive their action, and the toxic patterns that contribute to the suffering. My four decades of learning from various experiences and people resulted in my sharing it with everyone around me in any form I could. Technology helped me do it in multiple ways. 

I now run my own life skills colloquium – ChangeMakers – for teens and young adults focussing on these topics and a few more including self-awareness, mindfulness, inclusion, conditioning, mental health, and sustainability. My blogging under the #CauseAChatter quarterly challenge for Blogchatter under the headings - #GenderTalks, #MentalHealthTalks, & #EnvironmentalTalks is yet another way. I personally think that all these three are important and essential causes for sustainable change management to be a reality. The #GenderTalks is a place where you find people writing on anything to do with Gender, Gender Identity, Gender (In)Equality and Unconscious Gender Bias. We all know that there is no wellbeing without #mental wellbeing and hence the importance of it can’t be stressed enough. For sustainability to be a reality, these two, working hand in hand with the #environmental impact of our actions also need to be dealt with in detail for us to leave behind something that our next generation can work with. I did write with a purpose (of sharing my learning for the larger group, with the hope of impacting a positive mindset shift that celebrates a learning and growth mindset, rather than the outcome itself) even before I became part of the Blogchatter challenge, but this gave me more discipline to be regular and group it under a specific cause. 

Over the years, and from my multiple international relocations across the US & Europe, I have come to understand that I would be content (in fact, excited) when my identity is associated with my humanitarian aspects rather than the other attributes that generally people use to define an individual’s identity. This is what has always found me contributing to local causes in all the places that I have resided. When in the USA, I was part of the Parents-as-Teacher programme, run by the local community centre being trained about child & development psychology that is essential for any young parents. When we lived in France, I facilitated many immigrant parents with the help of the structure of this programme, as part of the PTA of an International school. During our recent stay in the UK, I volunteered at a local community centre, that positively impacted immigrant and asylum seekers from war-torn countries. I developed training programmes that would help them in their acclimatising process and help them with basic skills to enhance their job readiness. This help

ed them find suitable work that would keep them financially stable to support their family. 

I also work with many NGOs that focus on child education, as a tutor and courseware developer. I believe that education is the way to break the shackles of poverty and ignorance and the gateway to developing an informed and equal society for all. 

On this World Humanitarian Day, I could not think of a better person to write about than my Grandfather, who shaped me and the way I think & work today. The beauty about the journey of life is that it is filled with learnings & enriching experiences and Humanity is the means of making it more fulfilling. As I found my calling with my Grandfather, I would love to hear from each of you on your stories from your journey. 

This post is part of Blogchatter's #CauseAChatter #MentalHealthTalks. 

Taking a Stab at Creating Short Stories & Snippets

My journey as a writer has evolved multifold and recently I have been brave enough to venture out as a contributor to other popular social platforms. The one I have had the most delightful experience is @ Momspresso. This platform enabled me to explore writing in my mother tongue (Tamil) despite the fact that I only learnt the basics of the written form of the language (the spoken and written form are very different). Having moved around to different schools during my schooling days (by virtue of my Dad's job as a banker) within India, I had to choose a language that would remain common in all the State and Central curriculum (so, Hindi was my second language in school).

I have picked a few of my100 Word Challenges that I enjoyed creating @ Momspresso, which were straight from my heart. I also won Weekly Prompt challenges, some of them conducted in association with popular publishing houses. Would love to hear from you, to see if they resonate with similar experiences you'd have seen in your life.
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On moving back to India, after a decade of living as an immigrant resident in foreign countries, the sight of minors on motorbikes troubled me a lot. This post was with respect to that:

I Hope it is not Arjun!

Vinay and Sharada together hurried to the nearest police station. At the entrance, they saw their favourite motorbike that Arjun, their 15 yr old son, had taken to run a few errands for them. It was damaged beyond repair. Expecting the worst, they went in to inquire about their missing son. The inspector said, "Your son is in critical condition. Go to the Govt. Hospital ICU". Sharada was breathless... Just then she heard a resounding Vrooom of a bike. Waking up from her nap, she rushed down to ensure it wasn't her son, Arjun, who was driving the bike.
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The hopeless romantic and optimist that I am, the normalcy of every marital relationship, after a few initial years of romance, prompted me to write on how even simple things can bring back the spark into the marital life however lengthy and monotonous it has been.

The Second Proposal

In a room full of family and friends celebrating their 25th anniversary, Riya was feeling lonely. She wished life had a rewind button to go back to the time when she felt alive, not just a role - mother, wife, daughter, in-law!

Suddenly the lights went out. Riya turned to go to her book room. The room echoed "I am because of you. Sorry I haven't been around a lot, lately."

'Will you be my w(l)ife?' projected on the wall. Lights came on. Rishab was kneeling before her. She hugged him and cried, "I love you!"
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The hopelessness of sexual abuse becoming a piece of everyday news initiated this rant:

Stuck in a Rut Even When the Obvious Stares in your Face!

Every alternate day at least, we read about it.
Every once in a while we talk about the hopelessness of the situation.
Every person takes to the street to protest such a heinous act of crime

This goes on for a few weeks, and sometimes months, and then the human memory happens. The incident, event, and the emotions that it invoked is forgotten and life goes back to its old self - new victims in the making, a more heinous sexual act in some part of the world ready to unfold and the whole nine yards repeats without a change.
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My eternal wish, of Empathy and Humanity driving actions of every individual, will automatically make mindfulness & equality as a way of life, brought these words to life.

Colours of Hope Disintegrate the Screen of Black Smoke

The rise of awareness, the increasing loudness of opinions and voices against the social issues, the double standards that is prevalent based on gender, gives hope that slowly and steadily the black curtain of smoke, that is covering the colours of true happiness of living a life driven by the rules of empathy and humanity, will eventually disintegrate and vanish. That would be the real burst of colours in all our lives.

A world where everyone is respected and lauded equally without the bias of any categories.

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My first attempt in தமிழ் for a blogging prompt விலைமதிப்பற்றது. I won this weekly prompt challenge and got featured... A thrilling and fulfilling experience for a first attempt. As a winning reward, I was called for a Facebook (FB) Live to read out my story and had a first FB live experience. 

பாலியல் சமத்துவத்தை நிறுவ பெண்களின் முக்கிய பங்கு

பெண் அமைதிகாப்பது இயலாமையில் அல்ல, புரிதலில். 

ஒரு குடும்பத்தின் ஆளுமைக்கான பெருமையை ஆணுக்கு கொடுக்கும் இந்த சமுதாயம் மறக்கும் விஷயம், அந்த குடும்பத்தை சீராக வழிநடத்தி செல்வது முற்றிலும் ஒரு பெண் என்பவளே! 

ஒரு ஆண் தன் உள்ளுரணர்வையும் இயலாமையையும் வெளிப்படுத்துவதை தூற்றும் இதே சமுதாயம் தான், மானத்தையும் மரியாதையையும் ஒரு பெண்ணின் ஆடையிலும் ஒழுக்கத்தை அவளின் பழக்க வழக்கங்களிலும் தேடுகிறது.

ஒரு தாய் (பெண்) நினைத்தால் தன் மகனையும் மகளையும் வேற்றுமையின்றி ஒரே நெறிகளை கற்றுக்கொடுத்து வளர்க்க முடியும். பெண்ணுக்கு எது தவறோ, அது ஆணுக்கும் தவறு. ஆணுக்கு எது சரியோ அது பெண்ணுக்கும் சரியே. 

சமையலறையும் வீட்டு வேலையும் பெண்ணின் சொத்து அல்ல. குடும்பத்தில் இருக்கும் அனைவருக்கும் அது பொதுவானவையே. இதை ஒரு பெண் மனதில் உறுதியாக கொண்டு வாழ்ந்தால், இந்த சமுதாயத்திற்கு மாறுவதை தவிர வேறு வழி இல்லாமல் போகும். இந்த பாலியல் சமத்துவம் விலைமதிப்பற்றது!

(Translation of the above post for the tag word - Precious

Title - Women's Role in bringing about Gender Equality

A woman's silence implies an understanding of the situation, not helplessness.

This society that places a man on a pedestal and gives him the power to dominate and lead the family, fails to realise that the actual leading and guiding is done by the female of the home. 

This society that ridicules a man who wears his heart and emotions on the sleeve for being too weak, claims that a woman's conduct and respect is defined by the attire she wears and her social habits and her friends' group.

A mother has the power in her parenting methods to ensure that her children grow up without gender bias. What is right for a boy/man is right for a girl/woman and what is wrong for a girl/woman is wrong for a boy/man.

Household chores and kitchen are not exclusive to a woman. Everyone in the family should share these chores. If a woman lives her life with these thoughts as her guiding force, then this world has no choice but to change. This gender equality is the most precious of all.)

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Again the same kind of news on children and women being victims of gender bias and sexual harassment and abuse news (more specifically, a child who was sexually abused and murdered near her home) initiated this rant in my mother tongue (Tamil), where such raw emotions are better expressed.

அ‌ரிது அ‌ரிது பெ‌ண்ணா‌‌ய் ‌பிற‌ப்பது அ‌ரிது

அ‌ரிது அ‌ரிது பெ‌ண்ணா‌‌ய் ‌பிற‌ப்பது அ‌ரிது என்று ஒ‌ளவையா‌ர் அன்று சொன்னார். 

இன்று, தினம் ஒரு செய்தி - பெண், பெண் பிள்ளை மட்டும் அல்ல, பெண் குழந்தையின் பாலியல் பலாத்காரம். ஒரு பெண்ணின் உடை ஆபாசத்தை தூண்டுகிறது என்ற அபத்தமான குற்றச்சாட்டு வலுவிழந்தது. 

ஒரு மூதாட்டியின் நடையிலும் உடையிலும் என்ன ஆபாசம்? 

ஒரு நடைபழகாத அல்லது பழகும் குழந்தையின் உடையில் கூட ஆபாசம் இருக்கிறதோ?

ஒருவேளை அவர்களின் பாவங்கள் காமத்தை தூண்டுகிறதோ?

காதலை மறுத்தாலும் ஏற்றாலும் அவளின் உயிரை மாய்த்து விடும் இந்த சமுதாயம். வேலைக்கு சென்றால் குற்றம், படித்துவிட்டு வீட்டில் இருந்தால் குற்றம், அரசியல் மற்றும் பொதுநலம் பேசினால் குற்றம், சுயநலமாய் இருந்தால் குற்றம், நடந்தால் குற்றம், நின்றால் குற்றம், சிரித்தால் குற்றம் ... ஒரு பெண் இன்று சுவாசிப்பதே குற்றமாக கருதும் நிலை மனதை பாரமாக்குகிறது.

இனிமேலாவது ஆண்களுக்கு, பெண்களை எப்படி மதிப்பது என்பதை கற்றுத்தருவோம்.

(Translation of the above post

Title: The rarest gift of time is to be born as a Woman (The title is a quote from a poem of Auvaiyaar)

Auvaiyaar said a long time ago "The rarest gift is to be born as a Woman".

Today, rape & abuse of not just women, but girl child as young as few months old, and women as old as 80 years, is everyday news. In this context, the argument that the seductive dress that a woman wears is what instigates such crimes loses its value.

What sensuality does one see in the wrinkled ageing lady almost nearing the last stages of her life or in a newborn just crawling or learning to walk child wearing a cute skirt/frock/shorts/baby nappy? Maybe their facial reactions and smiles might induce feelings of sensuality for the perverted mind!

A society that doesn't let a girl live her life irrespective of whether she accepts or rejects a proposal of love extended to her. She is judged irrespective of whether she chooses to stay-at-home or to be a working woman after completing her graduation, has a political opinion, is selfish, is selfless. Anything she chooses to do it is always her fault when something goes south and this situation pains me.

At least from now, let us teach a boy/man to treat a girl/woman right and to respect her as a human being.)

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My ordeal with Chennai rains as a Non-Resident Chennaite !

It has been raining (pouring, to be apt) for more than a couple of weeks now in Chennai. My parents have had intermittent power supply (notice that I said power supply, not power failures) and live in Velachery - one of the most inundated parts of Chennai.

London November 30, 2015  4 pm, in my routine call to my Mom, she informed that it had stopped raining and that the Sun was out and she even went out to her Abacus class since last couple of days.

December 01, 2015 10:00 a.m. My Mom and she says that the rains have started again and is pouring heavily. There is water stagnated on the streets and there is no power since yesterday night. It is was not uncommon, when monsoons arrive for people in Chennai.

Rewind a couple of decades....I remember my school days when we used to carry our uniforms in plastic covers, wade through hip deep water, which essentially means your school wear completely drenched. So we could not leave our homes wearing the School uniform. We used to walk till our friends' home - which were closer to the main road & was at a higher level than where our home was at that time - and then change into our school uniforms and leave our wet clothes to dry in their house. While we returned from school we could do the reverse process and then return to our homes, again wading through the stagnant waters. This would be for a week or so every monsoon.

Then I remember campaigns started on rain water harvesting and the storm water drain projects which gave us hope that it might get better in future. But nothing changed much. We eventually started accepting the fact that we should be ready to brave hip-deep water, during the peak raining season. Almost every 10 years, there would be heavy floods which would fill the Adyar & Cooum Rivers to its brink, and the slum dwellers living in its banks would always get displaced due to floods and the excess water that is opened out from the neighbouring lakes and reservoirs. I specifically remember 1986 and 2005 monsoon. In 1986 (the year we moved into our own home after the construction completed), the place where we lived (Guindy) was flooded with hip deep waters for adults and they had to carry us (kids) and our great grandmother (lifted by chair) over their shoulders and walk all the way to the main road.

A picture of the Adyar river from
Saidapet Bridge in 2005 floods

In 2005, after celebrating our first Diwali after marriage in my parents' home in Guindy, we had to move to my apartment (near the Vijayanagar bus terminus), as the water levels were rising, as it was better located. But after 2 days of torrential rain and power failures, we had some more guests seeking asylum, and so we had over 8 people crammed up in my apartment. Adding to this, we were scared that the water would enter my apartment soon, as we were on the ground floor. We cleared out the bottom two shelves and decided to leave to "more" higher ground before it was too late and "migrated" to T.Nagar where my uncle lived. But thankfully the rain stopped in a couple of days and we went back to our respective homes, laughing over our experience. I remember the blog we wrote about it in 2005 with a few pictures that we took then, inside ourapartment complex and the view of Adyar river flowing in full spate under the Saidapet Bridge. There have been many in-between...

2005 Floods: Raft parked just at the
entry to my apartment building

Present day in London.... All these memories were going through my mind when my Mom told me about the consistent rain for more than 10 days in Chennai. As we have gone through this difficult situation very often, I assumed my Mom would have managed it well, stocked up enough food and water to last at least for a week if need be and the only major consequences are due to power failures.

December 2, 2015: I wake up on Wednesday morning,  and go on as usual to get my children to school. My husband was travelling to France. I come back home and try calling my Mom to check if she was OK. I could not reach her and thought maybe due to lack of power her phone battery drained out and then log in to Facebook to see a slew of messages and pictures about the bad situation in Chennai with some places under 6 feet of water !!! For a few seconds I lost all senses... I just sat there still. My fingers went cold and then adrenaline rushed in. I tried reaching out all my contacts in Chennai - family, friends, neighbours, maid, worried sick about their safety. I also tried calling their numbers directly through Viber, WhatsApp, land lines.. But none of them were reachable (later read in the media that cell phone towers were down as well)

December 3, 2015, I wake at 5:30 a.m. (half an hour before the alarm went off) and start calling again. Still the same, no land lines or mobiles reachable. Still no news from home. Facebook and Twitter are "flooded" with NRC's (Non-resident Chennaites) like me, posting messages with addresses of their loved ones and asking for some kind of information on them. None of my friends or family still reachable. But I just keep going through the daily chores as my young family is dependent on my sane condition, especially with my Husband away as well. My husband calls me back in his lunch time (after reading my SOS texts and tweets) and I still have not been able to contact my parents. After sharing my plight with him, I went back to calling  every Chennai number on my address book. Finally by end of the day, I was getting frantic. Meanwhile, my sister (currently in Dubai) seemed to have been lucky to have talked to my Mom (for a few seconds), where we came to know that they were safe, but then the call got disconnected before sharing any additional information. While this provided us with some relief, it did not alleviate our fears as TV channels continue to scare with predictions for rains to continue and intensify during the next 48 hours.

December 4, 2015,  After sleeping for just 5 hours, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. again to a message on WhatsApp from my sister that our parents were heading outside Chennai (to Coimbatore) with my Uncle's family. As their mobile phones were charged (seems they checked in to a hotel the previous night, after being rescued on boat), I was finally able to speak with them. By evening time, I was able to reach all my extended family and friends through WhatsApp or otherwise and learn about their safety and their experiences battling the rains.

The feeling of "helplessness" of not being able to do anything but to dial number after number, to be met with a message that kept saying that "This number is either switched off or not reachable", was so frustrating. The only solace at that time was social networking sites that kept updating more current information (than the TV News channels) and Google emergency response link that had grouped all the information and made it easy to search for.

On the positive side, the response of Chennaites across the world was so heartening. In addition to that, the spirit of the local people & volunteers on the ground was phenomenal. I am thankful to everyone, who directly helped (or indirectly involved in helping) my family and friends to stay safe through this ordeal. A special thanks to the NDRF for going beyond their call of duty to assist massive rescue operations across the city.

Proud to hail from such a city  - that is always ready to stretch a helping hand to anyone in need, without any kind of discrimination, facing adversity or criticism with a smile - shows real spirit & character!!

Words fall short to describe the gruelling experience of those 72 hours, till I could reach family and friends.  Reading my Mom's experience - published in Rediff.com News -  made me re-live the entire emotional roller coaster, worrying for their safety and the safe return of my Husband from France (due to the recent high alert situation post the unfortunate events in Paris during mid November).

In the current age, when lives are claimed so easily due to disasters (natural and man-made), Tamil Nadu and France's solidarity demonstrated during crisis should be a lesson to all of us to understand about Humanity and its strength. We should learn from this and strive consciously do our share (however small it is) to contribute to the betterment of the society as a whole (which is easily possible when we consider the whole world as our own family, or following the concepts "Do unto others what you want for yourself", "Be the change that you wish to see").