I Am Not OKAY As Well!

Originally written and published for a prompt on Momspresso platform (which shut down in 2023. Hence creating this article here to address a broken link on this blog)

Since the outbreak of COVID19 virus, the knot feeling in my stomach has become a permanent feature. As a practice, I do not share my thoughts that seem like a rant, till I have processed my emotions completely and am able to address what is the trigger, and how to deal with it to ensure my mental peace and that of my family too. That way, the post I put out there does not add to the overwhelming negativity that is already there in abundance but adds some value either with life lessons that I learned from the exercise or tips on how to deal with such situations, some helpful practical takeaways to those who land up on my page.

The first lockdown in India was in March 2020 and many suffered. I was among the privileged who could afford to stay home, choose to stop following the TV news channels that callously reported in a way to increase the channel TRP rather than focus on empathy and compassion, or project the way to address the issue that they were highlighting. I was grateful that I and my family could hole up indoors till we need our food to be restocked once a week.

The news of migrant workers moving on foot, their images showing their suffering along the way was quite disturbing and painful. I am sure it had the power to even move an unempathetic person into action. With mindfulness as a way of life for me, this incident pushed me to a more conscious zone where my choices were driven with even more care and concern to bring minimalism as a way of life. Giving back to the community also was a part of my everyday life and this only made this resolve to give back with gratitude even stronger, not because we could, but because we should. As part of this resolve, I decided to share my life lessons beyond my family through my writing on various platforms, as well as through a life skills colloquium for teens and young adults. Yet, this did not help to release this “knot feeling” in my stomach.

The First Covid wave peaked and fell. The lockdown lifted and people were back to their old normal. This “knot feeling” became even more profound and uncomfortable. My younger one decided that the mask wasn’t needed anymore when he went to the community playground and thus started my everyday tug of war with him on the importance of COVID protocols. This war did not seem to have an end in sight.

That is when I started hearing statements like:

‘We Indians were immunologically stronger’

‘Humaare DNA mein hi Corona ko baghane ka dum hai’

‘Heat in India can kill us all, then what chance does this virus stand?’

‘Our natural herbs give us natural immunity boosts. No Corona can affect us’

And thus, overconfidence sowed the downfall of all of us. Public behaviour was at its worst. People did not want schools and colleges to open, but they freely moved in throngs to shopping malls, movie theaters, tourist spots, temples, and big political rallies and social events, breaking COVID protocols – no masks and no social distancing and with their children. Starting this January, we had hoards of religious gatherings, political rallies, family functions that were kept on hold for one year in full effect with thousands of people standing and sitting so close that even wind could not have passed, leave alone the virus. Yet, you kept hearing that COVID safety measures were undertaken. The hypocrisy of following double standards of collecting fine for breaking COVID protocols from people who commute to work every day, while letting thousands and lakhs of people throng in one place where you can evidently notice that protocols cannot be followed at all wasn’t lost on many of us.

Online classes for students kept happening as usual as though this is something here to stay. WFH was celebrated as an innovation that helped reduce asset costs for companies. What many failed to notice was, home stopped being a place to unwind and spend quality time with family. It is now a nook office, an online school, and a browsing centre. These lines of differentiation completely vanished. We now started hearing new terminologies like Zoom fatigue, lockdown fatigue, and emotional numbing. Mental health garnered newfound attention.

Vacationing and visiting family & friends started off again as though there was no 2020. The explanation given was to overcome these fatigues, start a new normal by embracing to live with COVID19 as it is here to stay. Vaccine availability gave new hope and along with it a sense of lethargy that we have won COVID. Geographical boundaries that were temporarily closed were opened again with a bit of restriction in place.

That is when all hell broke loose. The second wave that was happening somewhere else in the world now started rearing its head here close to home. Disturbing images of COVID deaths were no more in some distant part of the world, it was very near, just around the corner. What was statistics, now became a name. The blame game began.

While I do not deny the accountability and responsibility of the government in better implementation of COVID protocols and preparation for the second wave when they had the time to do so, the individual responsibility of a common person is not even spoken about.

The recent news of two doctors hitting each other was quite unnerving. The newsreader claimed that this was due to exhaustion which is possible. They have been on the edge since last year. If not for their efforts, we all wouldn’t be able to even have the little bit of hope that there is someone to care for us if we get sick. And what do we do in return, put ourselves in harm's way and increase their load multiple times that they succumb to stress, anxiety, and eventually to COVID and are there no more! Yet, we have the audacity to question the integrity of the doctors but would not speak of our contribution in putting ourselves in harm’s way by participating in the super spreader events.

Picture Curtesy: Canva Template

Oh… my tummy “knot feeling” was having a field day. It decided that it would like to explore the rest of my anatomy as well. My body pain, headache, and a queasy feeling in the stomach were a constant, most days. All my coping mechanisms to deal with emotional ups & downs, anxiety, and stress now only provide temporary relief. I wish I could lock myself in a dark cave where nothing else can exist but, me and myself.

In these uncertain times, no one person can provide a solution or give an answer to this difficult problem that we all are facing. It has to be a collective effort. Unfortunately, we are either busy actively attending to the sick or shouting activism and spreading hate & angst.

No therapy or counselling might be enough. Even mindfulness practices may not be able to help. Mass numbness as a phenomenon is there. Grieving for the departed or the affected isn’t happening at all either because of the sheer number of people who are getting affected or dying, or fear and shock have immobilised other emotions. Even when the thought of those who lost their lives comes, we consciously push it away fearing our personal emotional breakdown.

We fail to realise that such feelings have a way of catching up unawares. Some are crying and breaking down but are not sure why while some do know the reason. And there are some like me who end up ranting all that is going through in their head – another form of breakdown.

Why am I calling all that I have put here as a rant? Because I have no probable solution or comforting words to give to anyone reading (as I usually believe in giving through my writings). I can only hope that somewhere in this rant I have made enough sense for people to take away these things (and maybe more):

• Find your own method to process emotions.
• Be cognizant and do your best not to be part of the problem.
• Try to see if you can be part of the solution, or at least do what you can even if it means staying indoors if you are privileged enough to be able to do that.
• Be available for your loved one. Technology has made it easy to stay in touch. Make a 5-minute call and speak about nothing or everything or just listen to them vent or you vent out.

It is okay if you are not okay.

It is okay to want to have some downtime. Take a few days off from whatever work/routine you are having. Nothing else is more important than your mental peace and your safety.

I am not okay, and I need my downtime and I am taking it. I have slowed down. I am not bothered anymore about strict routines, adhering to deadlines if they are stressing me out to the brink of palpitations. I have a couple of notebooks to write what comes to my mind. I have become a learner, learning a new language. I am also a facilitator sharing my knowledge, hopeful that in this collaborative effort someone somewhere might come up with a resolution for this pandemic that seems to become worse every time we think we have a read on it.

If you are also not okay, please do acknowledge it. Speak to someone close to you. Call a therapist, counselor, a helpline…. Speak out your mind, vent out, unburden your heaviness to start fresh and tackle what still lies ahead of us.

I first wrote all this down in my notebook from 8-8:45 this morning (And yes I still use a pen and notebook – my favourite mode to write). Coincidence or call it divine intervention, Momspresso comes up with a topic ‘I am not okay’ for today’s challenge, and here I am sharing what I wrote, for all of you to read. Raw with no filters and no clear discerning direction.

BITS 1997 Batch Silver Jubilee Reunion (21st – 24th December 2023)

I am still not ready to let go of 2023 especially because it had been a perfect yin-yang kind of year for me. What better way to ring the year end festive season than to spend an extended weekend with friends from 25 years ago and relive the magic of the place named BITS, Pilani.

21^st – 24^th December marked the silver jubilee reunion for the 1997 Batch of BITS Pilani and I am still revelling in the magic of those four days. The most amazing end-of-the-year experience one could have, and hold it beyond the turn of the year as well – time with friends to reminiscence in the nostalgia of yester years, by visiting the campus that shaped us during our late teens, make new memories in the same place by giving back, take in the changes that the campus has gone through, and still see the remnants from the years that we spent on campus and more.

Penning this note was an exercise to organise the flood of emotions and memories I have been experiencing, and in the process have a memoire to look back upon fondly for years to come. There is another personal reason for wanting to hold on to those wonderful moments. This was my first outing (on my own) in the last s6 months. I was (and still am) recovering from a surgery (two if you consider the minor surgery for addressing an infected incision site) that was a result of a freak road accident in May 2023. Only around mid-November did I start walking without support. My surgeon and physiotherapist approved me for this travel only on 19^th December 2023 (based on the progress of my recovery), after clearly explaining the dos and don’ts, and a knee-brace to be worn all the time I was on my foot and amidst crowd. Of course, I was scared, yet I wanted to be part of this once-in-a-lifetime event, which is why I hadn’t cancelled my travel bookings, that I made before my accident. I packed light and only for the mandatory dress code activities. The rest was to be winged (repeat, pile-on, or…) as any student did while on campus.

21^st December 2023

Come 21^st December, my heart rate increased in anticipation as well as anxiety and I know I was not alone in the anxiety part, yet my mom, spouse and children who have been caring for me the last 6 months happily sent me on my merry way with encouraging words and words of caution to not overdo (knowing that I tend to do exactly that). I thought I would be the only BITSian on that flight to Delhi from Chennai. I was pleasantly surprised to have another BITSian, Foodking Sarathbabu as my travel companion and he willingly helped me with luggage until we checked into Hotel Taj, Gurugram. Some of my batchmates were already there and some trickled in behind me at the check-in counter. My fogged memory had difficulty with names though many faces were familiar. Thankfully quite a few were having similar issues and we decided to blame it on our age, mommy brain and what not and started re-introducing ourselves. There was a hi-tea icebreaker session a couple of hours before dinner. The dinner was set up in the 1990s Bollywood theme with red carpet and arches at the entry of the banquet hall, photo booth with props, and drinks of choice. The usual gratitude to the OC (Organising Committee) & Rec n Acc (Recreation and Accommodation) team that made this event memorable sharing the journey leading up to the event followed by a pop-trivia quiz about BITS and our favourite hangout spots set the competitive edge rolling and the energy levels high to start off the music night by music clubbers after we finished our dinner.

The peppy numbers by music clubbers saw many people on the dance floor. Except for the difference in venue (from BITS), the energy levels were the same, and I felt that all of us were back to the teens that we were in 1997. Even if my foot was alright, I had two left feet when it came to dancing, so I was happily watching the others dance, while I sang along. When Marline dedicated a song for the first loves and started signing Zara Zara Behekta Hai from Rehana Hai Tere Dil Mein, I was missing my BITSian life partner, as the Tamizh version of this song was our all-time favourite (Vaseegara from the movie Minnale). She transitioned to the Tamizh version halfway through the song and the sing along became more personal. After a couple of songs, I headed to my room, ensuring that I followed the instructions of my surgeon & physiotherapist, preserving my strength and energy for the remaining three days.

22^nd December 2023

On reaching the Pilani campus after a 4-hour long drive from Gurugram in a fun-filled bus ride with my friends, the first thing I did was to get ready for the Saraswati Mandir visit in traditional wear for a batch photo. After a while in the mandir, I went back to Vfast hostel (the on-campus stay for visitors) for the bonfire night and dinner. The rooms did not have heater which brought back memories of the shivering nights & early mornings of our initial winter in Pilani, especially for those of us who came from warm and humid tropical climate like Chennai (then Madras). It took a couple of semesters to get used to this weather and learn about layering to stay warm. Thankfully the water heaters at VFast were functional, which spared us from recreating the no-bath experience of our student days in winter.

23^rd December 2023

The morning began with a walk/run on campus. I did not join this for obvious reason 😊 After breakfast, it was the department visits and stroll around the institute on the agenda, before the Leadership faculty interaction. I decided to start my day by visiting BITS Library. For someone who was (and is) always seen with a book in hand no other place could have been a starting point. As I entered the library, I was thrilled to find my debut book featured on the display table marked as MUST READ. I had to get a picture clicked here with the Deputy Librarian Mr. Ghosh. I also handed over a few more paperback copies of my book Imperfect Parenting: Honest Stories from Global Parents (for the library of the other BITS Pilani campuses). A BITSian author friend of mine Ramya Srinivasan (FD97A3PSXXX) had entrusted me with the responsibility of passing on copies of her book, The Write Way, to be added to the special display shelf exclusively showcasing works by BITSian authors in BITS Library, and for the library of other campuses of BITS (Hyderabad, Goa). From here I walked to the Rotunda just opposite to the iconic clock tower of BITS for our batch photos.

This Rotunda connected to the New Academic Block (NAB), an underground new block with lecture rooms and auditorium which ensures that the view of the institute and Saraswati Mandir remains unobstructed, and the greenery is also retained as ceiling of the buildings.

We had a Leadership Faculty Interaction at the J C Choudary NAB Auditorium. I found myself pleasantly overwhelmed when the current Director of BITS Pilani, Pilani campus, Dr. Sudhirkumar V Barai, recognised me by my name and initiated a conversation. The conversation itself is a haze because of the flood of emotions that was experiencing. His appreciation on my published book and this interaction will be a memory that will be etched in my memory for life, in addition to the one-on-one conversation with Dr. Arya Kumar, Dean Alumni Relations. Never in my wildest dream did I, an introvert, ever imagine that I would be in the presence of such esteemed visionaries, thought leaders, and vibrant personalities.

Next on the agenda was lunch organised by the Director for our batch at the RB (Ram Budh) mess. The scheduled itinerary of events had a break of 2.5 hours after this, letting each of us do what we wished. I decided to visit my hostel (MB – Meera Bhawan) rooms and managed to see a couple from the outside as they were locked by its current inhabitants who had gone home for their semester break. Having the campus all to ourselves was a huge plus, letting us become the teenagers without having worry about acting our age.

I am still amazed at how I managed to be on my foot all through the morning and afternoon until 3 p.m., the time retired to my room and to wait for my family (spouse and 2 kids) who were enroute from Chennai. They arrived at 4:30 p.m. They were welcomed by my batchmates as well and we made a visit to Saraswati Mandir. From there we went to Sky Lab, said hello to Pappu and had his special chai, which was a regular part of our lives when we (me and my spouse) were students. From there we joined the rest of the gang for the hi-tea in IC (Institute Cafeteria). After hi-tea we walked down to FD II to the spot where I had proposed (to my current spouse - Kaaba), before heading to C’Not place (no less than a similar named place in Delhi).

I finished my dinner with my batchmates while my family went to Blue Moon restaurant, to enjoy the signature dish of Fried Paneer Maggi. After dinner, I joined my family and shared a plate of fried Maggi with Kaaba, while my kids enjoyed plain Maggi – which they felt was more delicious (maybe the cold weather) than the one we eat in Chennai. My family dropped me at the main Audi (Auditorium) for the Music Nite organised by the music clubbers of our batch. I was tired and ready to retire for the day but wanted to enjoy this experience. So I stayed for a couple of song while my family checked in to their room in an accommodation just outside the campus, off-loaded their luggage and came back to pick me up from the Audi and dropped me back in my room, before they went to theirs.

24 December 2023

It was time to bid goodbye to the campus (for now). I was happy that I was able to make it to this reunion with my limited mobility and managed to cover as many events as possible and quite a few places to visit, relive old memories and make new ones, until my next visit. On this last day we also got to experience the morning fog (Kohara), which is a usual occurrence in the month of December and January. It is such a beautiful one to enjoy watching, if you are not driving through it. I was on the last bus out of Pilani. The day before was a full day on my feet, and I still am wondering how I managed to be on my feet for almost 2/3^rd of my waking time, but it did take a toll on my weak muscles. The pain was pronounced, and my recovering leg felt stiff.

From the time I checked into Taj, there was always someone close by to ask if I was okay and always ready to help with anything that I wanted - drink, plate refills, water or to ensure that I could safely get back to my room. Even on the bus ride to and from Pilani, I had people getting me chai because I could not (and did not want to) get on and off the bus multiple times. This willingness to be there for each other, pitch-in without being asked for, go the extra mile to ensure that everyone had fun, and a place where formalities take a back seat is how the magic happens here and stays with us through our life. This is one place where masks come off, and we all laugh, talk, and enjoy with no barriers (gender, language, religion, economic/social status) blocking our interaction and fun. We are peers and we all are bound by the camaraderie of bringing that magical spirit for everyone to experience. During my recovery, I joined the Yearbook team as a volunteer to ensure that I was a small part of the reunion, even if I was unable to make it in person to the campus if my mobility did not improve, but I am so grateful that I was able to make it and the yearbook became an additional colour to the beautiful memories that I am taking with me from these 4 days of unadulterated fun and magic with friends in a place that was pivotal in shaping me to who I am today.

In 1997 when I got me admission letter to BITS, my dream college, and yet I started faltering because I had already joined B.Sc Mathematics in Ethiraj College, Chennai, my mom and maternal uncle sat me down and convinced me to go with this advice “You are going to BITS to experience life. Studies can happen anywhere. So go to BITS for its experience and exposure.” I am so glad I heeded to their advice. Even when I started for this trip, this uncle of mine messaged me “Go and bask in friendly adulation” and how so right he was. The friendly adulation was so authentic and warm that even after a week, I am still basking in it, and I doubt if it will wane at all soon! Maybe this was the driving energy that provided me with the strength to be able to visit as many places on campus as I did as well.

Many of us had lost touch with each other after graduating. This reunion and the technology of today has helped us to stay connected with each other from here on. Hoping for more gatherings in the future (small or big) to keep the spirit of BITS Pilani and its magic alive all through our lifetime. Ever grateful for the opportunity that I had to be a BITSian forever!

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2024!

Book Review - Lost Edges by Salini Vineeth

Disclaimer: There may be a few spoilers and if you would like to read the book without being influenced by the review, please come back here after reading the book.

As reviews started coming in about the book, touching upon mental health and its importance, I decided to order the book. I placed the amazon order on 28 May 2023 and the book was due to be delivered on 30 May 2023. While I was eagerly awaiting to receive my book, Life had a different plan for me though. On 29 May 2023, I was injured in a freak road accident, admitted in the hospital for compound fracture in my right tibia & fibula which resulted in a surgery and put a long road of recovery. The book arrived on 30 May 2023 and my family brought it to the hospital the next day.

I started reading the book during my hospital stay. It helped me navigate through my own emotional journey during my recovery as I was reading about the life journeys of Geetanjali & Ravi. 

The very first chapter caught my attention specifically because of the aspect of how well it dwelled on the internal conundrum of Ravi in the waiting room of a mental health professional and the myriad of irrational thoughts that keep popping in his consciousness asserting the Tamil idiom “மனம் ஒரு குரங்கு” (Manam oru Kurangu - meaning our mind is a monkey – or more elaborately, our mind jumps around like a monkey with no rhyme or reason). As his mind jumps around, we also a get a glimpse of Geetu (Geetanjali) from his perspective. As the story progresses, it was a pleasure reading the inferences of events from both Ravi & Geetanjali’s perspectives. This is the reality of life. Every incident has multiple perspectives. These perspectives are from the biased views of the specific individuals who view them through their biased lenses that are a result of their lived experiences from childhood that shape their values systems and learning as a result of navigating situations & circumstances.

Amit, the friend who is the first point of contact for Geetanjali to seek out for professional relationship counselling, does justice to both his personal and professional relationship, by making sure that he just serves as a first point of contact guiding them towards the appropriate support systems either of them need and not letting the conflict of interest of the personal relationship cloud over the professional services that he could be providing. The hand off has been dealt very well.

The research for the book for addressing the sensitive topic of mental health care, childhood trauma and its long-lasting impact including the shaping of one’s persona, importance of therapy, the Indian context of the associated taboo & inhibition is evident in the way the plot unfolds. Both the lead characters have their fair share of childhood trauma and experiences that have been instrumental in shaping their coping mechanisms, which travels with them well into adulthood. 

Though Arnav as a character is very short lived in the plot, he still managed to make a place in my mind as I saw him to be an individual with a deeper character who could be largely misunderstood by most, as he does not care to fit into the societal mould of expectations. He is his own master and slave to none. 

I loved how the story ventured into the different relationships & their quality, that each of the lead roles have in their life – parental, sibling, and friends. And in doing so, the plot touches upon the way they perceive every challenge that life throws at them. Without mentioning the technical terms, the plot touches upon temperament, lived experiences, resilience, trauma, PTSD, self-medication (and its harm), and more. 

Kudos to the author, Salini Vineeth, for being verbal about the need for regular follow ups for prescribed medication and its adjustment for better mental health. She also highlights the need for the psychiatric treatment and therapeutic intervention to go hand in hand and overlap with each other for the intervention to be effective for the individual seeking these services and support. 

As a person who has been passionate about human behaviour and its drivers, I have consciously pursued to qualify myself to understand this from a holistic perspective in both educational context as well as in reading up about current research including interdisciplinary research in biology, sociology, & psychology that shed light on the interplay of these fields in driving human behaviour. From this position, I would say the Salini Vineeth has done a fabulous job of bringing the interplay of emotions, relationships, and environment on an individual’s behaviour shaping beautifully. The importance of appropriate support systems and the complexity of its availability in the Indian context is also well highlighted. 

I would recommend that this book be read by mental health professionals too for them to understand the client’s world with its multiple layers and their complex interplay on the client’s cognition, behaviour, and everyday choices. This will enrich the therapeutic intervention for the client, as it will be an approach that is holistic. It might also motivate the therapist/professional to explore & understand areas outside their specific area of expertise, thereby making eclectic intervention a norm in therapeutic strategy! 

Salini Vineeth – also an alumnus like me from BITS, Pilani, has also authored other books: 

1. Everyday People: Tales of People you know, a collection of short stories. This was the first book that I read. What pulled me to read this was her Tiny Tales. I have been a fan of her writing long before this book because of Tiny Tales. She has a way with words in expressing the layers in the fabric of human emotions and interaction.
2. Magic Square, a novella. This is on my TBR (To Be Read) list.
3. Travel Guides for Hampi and Badami.

In addition to the above self-published books, she has also been part of a few anthologies. Her stories have also been published in various magazines. You can find the links to these on her website.

This post is also part of Blogchatter’s #TBRChallenge 2023. This blog is also part of #CauseAChatter challenge, as this book focuses on individual mental health and its long standing impact on relationships through its various characters. 

This is not a sponsored review.