My Recovery and Mental Health

Today is World Mental Health Day and this year’s theme is, “Prioritise Mental Health in the Workplace”. The theme seems simple enough, yet when we bring in intersectionality (a key concept in DEI – Diversity, Equity and Inclusion) into the interpretation of the theme to execute it, there are layers that start stacking up. This year and a half have been quite a ride, as I experienced these layers in action through my journey of self-discovery, post recovering from a surgery.

The Accident, Surgery & Post-op recovery

I do not think I would be able to forget the date of the accident. It was 11 a.m. on a Monday morning 29th May, 2023. My spouse was on a flight enroute to Mumbai for a business trip and I was running a couple of errands on my Activa (a two-wheeler – auto geared scooter). As I was getting off the road, to park my scooter, a speeding bike hit the rear wheel of my scooter. I lost balance and control of my vehicle. Thankfully my vehicle was less than 10km/hr acceleration and one of my legs was on the ground to balance the vehicle. Probably this was a boon in disguise, that the impact pushed the vehicle away from under me to my left, and I kind of staggered a bit to my right, trying to regain my balance. Somewhere in this fraction of a second, I realised that I might end up in trouble if I tried to hold on to the vehicle, so I let it go (all unconsciously), and then I fell on my right, with a twist in my right leg which was on the ground for balancing the vehicle as I was getting ready to stop. Some of these actions I mention, I do not remember from the incident, the doctor and my physiotherapist later explained that this could have been the case as there were no external injuries and there was absolutely no damage to my vehicle. In this moment, my femur (thigh bone) came down hard on my tibia and fibula shattering them into multiple fragments, leading to a complex proximal tibial fracture.

Thankfully a few people from the nearby shops and a passer-by came to my help. The pain was blinding when I tried to, and mind you, this is coming from a person with high pain tolerance. One of them helped me make a phone call to inform my family about my fall and call for help, when I reached the nearby hospital in an ambulance. While I was conscious after the fall, despite the pain, my vision was not. My domestic help came to the rescue as she lived nearby the accident spot. The hospital with the trauma care unit was less than a kilometre away, and the Ortho surgeon was someone whom I had consulted in the past for my family members.

As I was wheeled into the hospital from the ambulance, few family members also arrived to support me. My two children were on their summer break and this news hit them with a shock, especially considering that one parent was travelling and the other parent who was caring for them is in the hospital, and the prognosis of the injury was still unclear. After a 6-hour investigation with X-ray, CT, and MRI, it was determined that I had to undergo a surgery and at the earliest possible time to avoid the small fragments of my broken bones being drifted into the blood stream, which could cause more damage and probably risky for my health.

The surgery happened on 30th May 2024 early morning (5 a.m. IST). I was in the OT for almost 3 hours before being moved to recovery and then an X-ray and then to my room. My spouse and my mom who were outside the city, both came back on Wednesday, 31st May 2024. I was hoping to get discharged by end of the week. And then my vitals become erratic. BP went up the roof. A Cardiologist was also brought in, and thankfully, he insisted that this was normal considering that I have gone through a major surgery. He just instructed the team to check back after 6 months to a year later once my recovery period is almost complete.

I was discharged on Monday the next week and with instructions to come in person for a dressing change in a week’s time, when the staplers (yes, my wound was stappled) removal can be decided. In this one week, a nurse would visit me at home every two days to clean the incision wounds and change the dressing. When it was time to visit the hospital, one of the three incision wounds decided to not heal well and I was readmitted for a “minor” intervention of wound cleaning and re-suturing. So, a second visit to the OT, but this time it was for an hour maybe. For a person who went through 2 C-sections without any fear, this experience gave me a sense of fear to the extent of feeling anxiety, even with the thought of having to go back to the hospital for a review for the second surgical incisions & sutures (this time it was sutures the old-fashioned way). Thankfully, this wound healed without any infection, but the regrowth of tissues was very slow. I was given medications to supplement the food recommendations that would help in the regrowth of the bone, muscles tissues, nerves, and skin. All this was the journey in one month – June 2023. I was instructed to be off my feet, until end of August, initially, which got extended till end of September 2023 due to the re-suturing intervention. From October 2023, began my rehabilitation journey, which started with me re-learning to walk. Oh boy! When I think back, the pain sends shivers down my spine even now. Yet, I persevered. I started with partial weight bearing, then full weight bearing exercises, all on flat surfaces. And with the progress I made, and the support from my spouse, I even managed to write my third semester exams for the M.Sc Counselling Psychology that I had started in 2022 in University of Madras.

The Rehab Journey

All through the tough part of my rehab journey, the distraction from wallowing in self-pity and pain were:

• The support from my family: My mom stepped in to manage the kids and their school, while my spouse stopped all his official travels (which his position & role demand quite often) to stay by my side. Though the children were quite shaken, they were also very understanding and were at my side giving me the comfort and laughter that I needed to recover. My sister-in-law and a family friend were the ones who were there with me in the hospital the day of the accident and the surgery when my spouse and mom were heading back to Chennai.

  

  Virtual book launch on 17 November 2023

  
  
• Imperfect Parenting: Honest Stories from Global Parents: In August 2022, I had committed to a collaborative book authoring project, which was in the stage of manuscript compilation and editing by June 2023.During my recovery, reviewing the manuscript with my co-lead author Jayne, kept me distracted from the pain and focussed on recovery as I was hoping to go for the book launch. While I did start taking baby steps (again) by November, a virtual book launch happened on November 17, 2023.
• M.Sc Counselling Psychology Exams: Preparing for the third semester exams, though it wasn’t to the fullest capacity to which I usually do, helped me keep my attention away from feeling despair, frustration & anxiety that seemed to be a frequent visitor in these times. As a menstruating woman, the monthly cycles were another pain point especially September end, when I was instructed to be off my feet.
• Anticipation to make it to the 25 Years Reunion of my BITS batch (1997): Once I started my rehab journey, the motivation driving efforts were the resolution to make to my batch reunion that was planned in December, in line with the Christmas break. I was also involved in the Yearbook compilation, which was a team effort. And I did make it to the reunion planned at New Delhi & BITS, Pilani campus. This made me understand that when you are extremely focused on achieving something, how your body works to get that done before it breaks for rest & recuperation. The importance of short achievable goals was something I saw work wonders all through my rehabilitation journey.

Third semester exams in October 2023, with walker.

Once I got back from my reunion, the last on my agendas of wish list was, attending my nephew’s wedding in Mumbai in Jan 2024. I saw the conflict between my mind and body in making this trip happen, yet did manage to get it done. Once back from this trip, I started experiencing burnout. Guess my body was giving me signs from a couple of years ago itself. People who know me, would probably agree that I am never seen sitting idle. So from Jan 2024, I started learning to sit and rest. My mind was learning that rest is also productive. This is when I also realised that my 40+ changes were happening along with all the other stuff that was going on. I acknowledged that I had stepped into my perimenopausal phase. I do not know how long this will be, but I do know that with my family history, if I do not give my body (and my mind) the pause it needs, I will probably end up repeating the cycle of hereditary life-style diseases.

Age related changes - Perimenopause

Now, I listen to my body and am trying to establish a routine that includes the continuation of my rehab exercises to strengthen my muscle, ligaments and tendons around my right knee, there by ensuring that posture disruption does not happen as time passes. I have also included some cardio and strength training and Yoga into my routine to deal with overall fitness and reduce my anxiety & stress which seems to be a 40+ perimenopausal symptom than anything else related to conscious or unconscious thoughts in my mind. The reason I say this is because the anxiety is a common occurrence in the week before my menstrual cycle (which also has a reduced duration in comparison to what it used to be in my 30s).

1997 BITS Pilani batch reunion with my walking stick

There are other perimenopausal symptoms that I am experiencing, which I do not want to enlist here for the entire world to know everything about my medical health. Suffice it to say, in the recent times there is enough talk about perimenopause and related symptoms, where it is mentioned that there are close to 100 symptoms that fall under this category but have the risk of being misdiagnosed as there has been no open discussion on this topic until recently.

What I read as part my Abnormal Psychology, under the category differential diagnosis, I have come to experience in reality, specific to my case that not all medical professionals or any other associated professionals (Physiotherapists, Counsellors) make a holistic evaluation before planning on the intervention. In many cases, active listening itself seems lacking, and the professionals rush to diagnosis and intervention based on just a few symptoms or markers. The mitigating circumstances, the chronic stress factor (especially in women and primary care givers, and those belonging to the sandwich generations including men who experience the pressure of sustaining the income as their household might be a single income household), and any other such factors that can contribute to the physical, physiological and mental symptoms that a diagnostic manual might describe.

Even today, a year and a quarter after the accident & surgery, it is a mental project plan for me, if I have to step out of my home to visit family, friends, or go to a mall or movie in a theatre. Any crowded place or navigating in peak traffic (even inside an auto or a cab) brings back the anxiety in full force. There are days I find myself feeling the strong urge to cry out loud. In the last 6 months, I have learned to let the tears flow out without suppressing them as it helps me feel better, less anxious, and less frustrated, there by less angry for the smallest of disruptions (like loud noise on TV or sudden banging of door because my child was excited to go out or the gust of wind unhooked the door from the magnet holding it in place). I openly talk about my vulnerable state to my family members – spouse & children, so that they understand me better and are able to hold a safe space for me to be vulnerable, there by breaking the toxic expectation that as a leader of home I have to stay strong, even if it is costing me my wellbeing.

Definition of Workplace & Mental Health Prioritisation

Coming back to the beginning of this article, specifically about the multiple layers that intersectionality brings in a workplace and the definition of workplace itself before we focus on prioritising mental health in workplaces.

My take on the definition of workplace is, not just the corporate workplaces. For the sandwich generation, home also is a workplace. For SAHM the workplace is home, and the relatives and family members constitute their work force structure (& hierarchy). The workplace culture here differs from the corporate workplace in the sense that there are relationships entwined with emotions, feelings, and sense of entitlement that is difficult to separate from the individuals in this workspace, the gender differences in roles and responsibility which is more implicit and hence unrecognisable, until a conscious effort is made. This creates a lot more complexity when prioritisation of mental health in this space is looked at. It needs a mindset shift starting from the aspect of looking at this space as a workplace, and then re-working on traditional value systems and role definitions, responsibility & load sharing and more.

Thank you Blogchatter! 

My effort in sharing my recovery & rehabilitation journey is to highlight these layers that unravel in my non-traditional role. What I have shared gives a mere glimpse at the complexity of this space. I can neither define myself as a traditional Stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) category, nor as a traditional working woman (outside home). Yet, I don both the hats. In addition to this I was and will be a primary care giver to the aged in my family, and I belong to the sandwich generation. And during my recovery, I also donned the student hat as well. I added the published author to my list of roles during my recovery. Finally, I am also a volunteer working towards a chosen cause. I also had to deal with the mom-guilt for scaring my children with my accident. Despite the accident not being my fault, but a chance happening, that could have happened anywhere if it was meant to, this mom-guilt refused to leave for a long time; even now it tries to rear its ugly head once a while. Intersectionality requires us to see all this and more when we cater to the needs of individuals and groups. It is time that we understood the importance of intersectionality in the DEI and in mental health, in fact in holistic wellbeing too. This is important for self-advocacy and speak confidently to the health professionals if we sense that there is a possible mismatch in their understanding of our mitigating circumstances that either exacerbates or interferes with the treatment plan that they chart out for a (mis)diagnosis that they arrived on with partial markers.

I am assuming that I signed up Blogchatter's CauseAChatter programme and this blog is my contribution towards my personal goal for the same. 

I Am Not OKAY As Well!

Originally written and published for a prompt on Momspresso platform (which shut down in 2023. Hence creating this article here to address a broken link on this blog)

Since the outbreak of COVID19 virus, the knot feeling in my stomach has become a permanent feature. As a practice, I do not share my thoughts that seem like a rant, till I have processed my emotions completely and am able to address what is the trigger, and how to deal with it to ensure my mental peace and that of my family too. That way, the post I put out there does not add to the overwhelming negativity that is already there in abundance but adds some value either with life lessons that I learned from the exercise or tips on how to deal with such situations, some helpful practical takeaways to those who land up on my page.

The first lockdown in India was in March 2020 and many suffered. I was among the privileged who could afford to stay home, choose to stop following the TV news channels that callously reported in a way to increase the channel TRP rather than focus on empathy and compassion, or project the way to address the issue that they were highlighting. I was grateful that I and my family could hole up indoors till we need our food to be restocked once a week.

The news of migrant workers moving on foot, their images showing their suffering along the way was quite disturbing and painful. I am sure it had the power to even move an unempathetic person into action. With mindfulness as a way of life for me, this incident pushed me to a more conscious zone where my choices were driven with even more care and concern to bring minimalism as a way of life. Giving back to the community also was a part of my everyday life and this only made this resolve to give back with gratitude even stronger, not because we could, but because we should. As part of this resolve, I decided to share my life lessons beyond my family through my writing on various platforms, as well as through a life skills colloquium for teens and young adults. Yet, this did not help to release this “knot feeling” in my stomach.

The First Covid wave peaked and fell. The lockdown lifted and people were back to their old normal. This “knot feeling” became even more profound and uncomfortable. My younger one decided that the mask wasn’t needed anymore when he went to the community playground and thus started my everyday tug of war with him on the importance of COVID protocols. This war did not seem to have an end in sight.

That is when I started hearing statements like:

‘We Indians were immunologically stronger’

‘Humaare DNA mein hi Corona ko baghane ka dum hai’

‘Heat in India can kill us all, then what chance does this virus stand?’

‘Our natural herbs give us natural immunity boosts. No Corona can affect us’

And thus, overconfidence sowed the downfall of all of us. Public behaviour was at its worst. People did not want schools and colleges to open, but they freely moved in throngs to shopping malls, movie theaters, tourist spots, temples, and big political rallies and social events, breaking COVID protocols – no masks and no social distancing and with their children. Starting this January, we had hoards of religious gatherings, political rallies, family functions that were kept on hold for one year in full effect with thousands of people standing and sitting so close that even wind could not have passed, leave alone the virus. Yet, you kept hearing that COVID safety measures were undertaken. The hypocrisy of following double standards of collecting fine for breaking COVID protocols from people who commute to work every day, while letting thousands and lakhs of people throng in one place where you can evidently notice that protocols cannot be followed at all wasn’t lost on many of us.

Online classes for students kept happening as usual as though this is something here to stay. WFH was celebrated as an innovation that helped reduce asset costs for companies. What many failed to notice was, home stopped being a place to unwind and spend quality time with family. It is now a nook office, an online school, and a browsing centre. These lines of differentiation completely vanished. We now started hearing new terminologies like Zoom fatigue, lockdown fatigue, and emotional numbing. Mental health garnered newfound attention.

Vacationing and visiting family & friends started off again as though there was no 2020. The explanation given was to overcome these fatigues, start a new normal by embracing to live with COVID19 as it is here to stay. Vaccine availability gave new hope and along with it a sense of lethargy that we have won COVID. Geographical boundaries that were temporarily closed were opened again with a bit of restriction in place.

That is when all hell broke loose. The second wave that was happening somewhere else in the world now started rearing its head here close to home. Disturbing images of COVID deaths were no more in some distant part of the world, it was very near, just around the corner. What was statistics, now became a name. The blame game began.

While I do not deny the accountability and responsibility of the government in better implementation of COVID protocols and preparation for the second wave when they had the time to do so, the individual responsibility of a common person is not even spoken about.

The recent news of two doctors hitting each other was quite unnerving. The newsreader claimed that this was due to exhaustion which is possible. They have been on the edge since last year. If not for their efforts, we all wouldn’t be able to even have the little bit of hope that there is someone to care for us if we get sick. And what do we do in return, put ourselves in harm's way and increase their load multiple times that they succumb to stress, anxiety, and eventually to COVID and are there no more! Yet, we have the audacity to question the integrity of the doctors but would not speak of our contribution in putting ourselves in harm’s way by participating in the super spreader events.

Picture Curtesy: Canva Template

Oh… my tummy “knot feeling” was having a field day. It decided that it would like to explore the rest of my anatomy as well. My body pain, headache, and a queasy feeling in the stomach were a constant, most days. All my coping mechanisms to deal with emotional ups & downs, anxiety, and stress now only provide temporary relief. I wish I could lock myself in a dark cave where nothing else can exist but, me and myself.

In these uncertain times, no one person can provide a solution or give an answer to this difficult problem that we all are facing. It has to be a collective effort. Unfortunately, we are either busy actively attending to the sick or shouting activism and spreading hate & angst.

No therapy or counselling might be enough. Even mindfulness practices may not be able to help. Mass numbness as a phenomenon is there. Grieving for the departed or the affected isn’t happening at all either because of the sheer number of people who are getting affected or dying, or fear and shock have immobilised other emotions. Even when the thought of those who lost their lives comes, we consciously push it away fearing our personal emotional breakdown.

We fail to realise that such feelings have a way of catching up unawares. Some are crying and breaking down but are not sure why while some do know the reason. And there are some like me who end up ranting all that is going through in their head – another form of breakdown.

Why am I calling all that I have put here as a rant? Because I have no probable solution or comforting words to give to anyone reading (as I usually believe in giving through my writings). I can only hope that somewhere in this rant I have made enough sense for people to take away these things (and maybe more):

• Find your own method to process emotions.
• Be cognizant and do your best not to be part of the problem.
• Try to see if you can be part of the solution, or at least do what you can even if it means staying indoors if you are privileged enough to be able to do that.
• Be available for your loved one. Technology has made it easy to stay in touch. Make a 5-minute call and speak about nothing or everything or just listen to them vent or you vent out.

It is okay if you are not okay.

It is okay to want to have some downtime. Take a few days off from whatever work/routine you are having. Nothing else is more important than your mental peace and your safety.

I am not okay, and I need my downtime and I am taking it. I have slowed down. I am not bothered anymore about strict routines, adhering to deadlines if they are stressing me out to the brink of palpitations. I have a couple of notebooks to write what comes to my mind. I have become a learner, learning a new language. I am also a facilitator sharing my knowledge, hopeful that in this collaborative effort someone somewhere might come up with a resolution for this pandemic that seems to become worse every time we think we have a read on it.

If you are also not okay, please do acknowledge it. Speak to someone close to you. Call a therapist, counselor, a helpline…. Speak out your mind, vent out, unburden your heaviness to start fresh and tackle what still lies ahead of us.

I first wrote all this down in my notebook from 8-8:45 this morning (And yes I still use a pen and notebook – my favourite mode to write). Coincidence or call it divine intervention, Momspresso comes up with a topic ‘I am not okay’ for today’s challenge, and here I am sharing what I wrote, for all of you to read. Raw with no filters and no clear discerning direction.